Alright, my introductory post...
I've given a lot of thought towards my life recently, especially my earlier life - going all the way back to high school, elementary, and early childhood - and trying to find events or patterns which might have created the fear that I'm in now.
In so doing, I've uncovered my primary fears. They are as follows:
1. Fear of attention, especially negative attention such as criticism and cynicism.
I've have a number of experiences through elementary and high school where my parents have violated my privacy or simply never had a positive comment to make about my behavior (especially my mother), and so when someone starts talking about me or my performance on any topic, I get put on guard.
I've since internalized some fears of getting the attention of powerful people.
Though I've mentally picked apart the positions of those in authority, I instinctually defer to their demands, almost without thinking.
I can be witty and edgy, but I don't push the envelope, especially in the area of persuasion (dating/sales), because I don't want to push too hard and upset them; I really don't want them to go agro and let it out on me.
I've had a series of bad bosses, many of whom screamed at me or gave me harsh negativity, or were straight up unpredictable and manipulative; this made me fear what they would do next. I also think that they traumatized me in some way, as my confidence waned after those bosses.
2. Fear of sudden and harsh violence
Whether it's a home invasion or a bear mauling, I'm kept up late thinking about the "what if?" and how I would fare in a do-or-die situation.
I have fantasies about government conspiracies against me specifically, and how I would react in x/y/z situation, even if it required me living in a place I wouldn't really want to live, or learning a skill I'm not wild about.
3. Fear of being stranded without a lifeline
For example, getting mugged in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and not being able to get back to my rental, or have money to buy food or return home.
I've gone back 18 months and thought to "what if" while I was in Germany, even though everything was fine.
Or, I'm locked out of my car on a desolate highway, without my coat, in freezing weather. Or I dropped the keys and couldn't find it. Or I'm dangling off the side of a building.
I've been working on relaxing my body this past week, I've been noticing just how bunched up my energy is in my torso, especially while I'm at work. This has an impact on my facial expressions, my voice, my posture, and my reactions.
My Life
I've realized that I've spent the last few years cornering myself into a position where I don't have to face these fears. I'm still in a small town (different from where I live) not fully suited to my personality, cooped up in an office, shuffling minor details around for a set of clients who are declining anyways (long term care). The job is low impact because, deep down, I'm likely worried that being 'high impact' means risking 'large ruin'.
I still struggle with dating; I generally know what do say and what to do, sequence-wise, but I still get bunched up when I do approach; and, as I get older (I'm 29 now), the consideration of being the creepy old guy is coming in.
My career started off well at 25, and I'm taking action to change careers and increase my earning potential, but I've dealt with years of imposter syndrome and the fear of being, in one fell swoop, called out for my "bad performance" and exposed for the fraud I really am. The barriers to a tech job - my new career - such as interviews, will act as a new fear-based barrier to my goal.
Yes, I know my most blatant fears and can face those decently regularly.
I've approached hundreds of women (and have had limited success). I've sung and played guitar publicly and in front of crowds of hundreds. I'm given public speeches. But when I do those things, there's still a bungie cord, pulling from behind, stringing me back to the comfort zone.
Massive action, without addressing the root fear, simply leads to actions which are acceptable to your unconscious fears. That's why I've become fixated on OF. I used to think that I was confident and in control. But my life is becoming evidence that this is not the case. And underneath it all, I realized that I'm afraid of people; this brings about a fear of being vulnerable in front of people, a preference for one-on-one, a tendency towards introversion, a fear of men's violence and of women's rejection, even when those elements aren't really there, and a fear of the boss' attention. Let's change that.
In any case, let's jump into the first night and go from there.
I've given a lot of thought towards my life recently, especially my earlier life - going all the way back to high school, elementary, and early childhood - and trying to find events or patterns which might have created the fear that I'm in now.
In so doing, I've uncovered my primary fears. They are as follows:
1. Fear of attention, especially negative attention such as criticism and cynicism.
I've have a number of experiences through elementary and high school where my parents have violated my privacy or simply never had a positive comment to make about my behavior (especially my mother), and so when someone starts talking about me or my performance on any topic, I get put on guard.
I've since internalized some fears of getting the attention of powerful people.
Though I've mentally picked apart the positions of those in authority, I instinctually defer to their demands, almost without thinking.
I can be witty and edgy, but I don't push the envelope, especially in the area of persuasion (dating/sales), because I don't want to push too hard and upset them; I really don't want them to go agro and let it out on me.
I've had a series of bad bosses, many of whom screamed at me or gave me harsh negativity, or were straight up unpredictable and manipulative; this made me fear what they would do next. I also think that they traumatized me in some way, as my confidence waned after those bosses.
2. Fear of sudden and harsh violence
Whether it's a home invasion or a bear mauling, I'm kept up late thinking about the "what if?" and how I would fare in a do-or-die situation.
I have fantasies about government conspiracies against me specifically, and how I would react in x/y/z situation, even if it required me living in a place I wouldn't really want to live, or learning a skill I'm not wild about.
3. Fear of being stranded without a lifeline
For example, getting mugged in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and not being able to get back to my rental, or have money to buy food or return home.
I've gone back 18 months and thought to "what if" while I was in Germany, even though everything was fine.
Or, I'm locked out of my car on a desolate highway, without my coat, in freezing weather. Or I dropped the keys and couldn't find it. Or I'm dangling off the side of a building.
I've been working on relaxing my body this past week, I've been noticing just how bunched up my energy is in my torso, especially while I'm at work. This has an impact on my facial expressions, my voice, my posture, and my reactions.
My Life
I've realized that I've spent the last few years cornering myself into a position where I don't have to face these fears. I'm still in a small town (different from where I live) not fully suited to my personality, cooped up in an office, shuffling minor details around for a set of clients who are declining anyways (long term care). The job is low impact because, deep down, I'm likely worried that being 'high impact' means risking 'large ruin'.
I still struggle with dating; I generally know what do say and what to do, sequence-wise, but I still get bunched up when I do approach; and, as I get older (I'm 29 now), the consideration of being the creepy old guy is coming in.
My career started off well at 25, and I'm taking action to change careers and increase my earning potential, but I've dealt with years of imposter syndrome and the fear of being, in one fell swoop, called out for my "bad performance" and exposed for the fraud I really am. The barriers to a tech job - my new career - such as interviews, will act as a new fear-based barrier to my goal.
Yes, I know my most blatant fears and can face those decently regularly.
I've approached hundreds of women (and have had limited success). I've sung and played guitar publicly and in front of crowds of hundreds. I'm given public speeches. But when I do those things, there's still a bungie cord, pulling from behind, stringing me back to the comfort zone.
Massive action, without addressing the root fear, simply leads to actions which are acceptable to your unconscious fears. That's why I've become fixated on OF. I used to think that I was confident and in control. But my life is becoming evidence that this is not the case. And underneath it all, I realized that I'm afraid of people; this brings about a fear of being vulnerable in front of people, a preference for one-on-one, a tendency towards introversion, a fear of men's violence and of women's rejection, even when those elements aren't really there, and a fear of the boss' attention. Let's change that.
In any case, let's jump into the first night and go from there.
UMS v2 Journal (current) || Overcoming Fear 5.75G Journal
