OGSF 5.9G

[User_000]

I'm finally getting what I wanted, no more emotional dependence to other people, I'm starting to feel more free without that burden and I'm able to be the way I always wanted, no more craving for external validation or love or trust or whatever, I can subsist with just myself knowing I don't need anything else.

[User_000]

There is a big change going on, it started yesterday when I triggered perfectionism again and try to feel miserable for it, then there was a conflict in my mind about how my life isn't perfect and why should I care if I failed, then today I just accept I fail and continue until I started to consider lots of variables in life and reach the conclusion that I can no longer pretend to control it so I reach another conclusion that is "I don't need to follow any rules, not even mine" then my head started to feel overloaded, my failures no longer matter to me, being correct no longer matter to me, controlling my life no longer matter to me and I feel great.

[User_000]

Today I realized how much I look for and seek success, because if i don't have either success or the best i just feel miserable and worthless and keep trying but when i get something i'm already too tired from trying so i can't even enjoy it, this only show my beliefs of lack but keep trying because i don't have it just bolster the fact i don't have it and eventually i won't get it because in my beliefs i don't have anything and also bolster the fact i can't get it no matter how much i try, it is a cycle of lack and me feeling worthless which lead to frustration then giving up for the wrong reasons then depression and more.

Also related to perfectionism i think, i kind of remember as a kid when my parents or someone else expected me to do everything perfect and made a drama when i screwed up, then me craving for attention didn't help either, it became an obsession and the minimum failure is enough for me to give up and making dramas, this behavior is just stupid and nasty, i don't feel like trying anymore so i will just rest.

[User_000]

I'm facing lot of anger and frustration, nothing special just doing my stuff but some annoying people can't stop making noise, and i can't focus on my stuff as wanted, then i remember i don't have all the time of the world to do something else which makes feel more anger, then i remember many things which made me lose my time in the past and my anger increased but now because those things were normal to me, but in reality i just lost my time with that, this reminds me of the fact i can't control those aspects of my life and my anger increased again, one day i'm going to lose my mind but at the same time i feel as if i can perceive the present, the moment right now and everything else, is like a conflict between both, i get mad but then i get calm but doesn't change the fact i can't control it and losing my time, I'm being hasty just as always and getting a headache.

Some hours ago my throat was feeling as if i couldn't swallow, i wonder if is related to this, is like everything going wrong not just my time and has been like this for a few days now, I always measure the time's worth if i gained something or not, if i gain something is worthy but if not the answer is simple and right now i can't measure it, my mind is in chaos and get mad but then i calm myself.

[User_000]

Looks like my low self esteem and worth are being work on, i feel as if everything is going wrong and kind of feel anxiety but remain calm at the same time but also feel as if I'm losing my time which frustrate me even more.

[User_000]

The fearful subconscious is very stubborn, couldn't sleep that much because of the symptoms and my heart rate is high, overcoming fear of pain and death (which is associated wth pain) is awfully challenging.

Almost forgot to explain that was the fear that makes me pass out.

[User_000]

I think I'm getting to the root of the fear of death, lately I have constant thoughts about my death or worring too much about that which makes me hypervigilant of my heart rate or the pain I feel usually caused by anxiety, and today there were many chances for triggering an anxiety attack, my subconscious was assuming i was dying then my mind comes in to say everything is fine is just anxiety and somehow regressed when i was a kid (I mean i perceive that part of myself as when I was a kid and crack my skull open), somehow i calmed my child self but that's not enough so later happened again and started feeling very tired, i could have fall asleep every time i closed my eyes then I remember how I felt when attending the hospital as a kid after cracking my head, it was kind of similar how my consciuosness was fading and then returning, right now i still feel a bit tired but not that much, hopefully is working.

[Ampersnd]

Great work. It looks like you're making progress. Inner freedom is truly priceless and can make you a calm in any external storm.

[User_000]

Well, looks like I'm fucked up, if I use OGSF for many days I start feeling tired and some symptoms appear and if I take days off the symptoms get worse and I still feel tired, maybe not taking days off is better.

[User_000]

I once said before or maybe not that my parents especially my mother are overprotective, one can imagine the consequences derived from that but right now I'm going to focus on the internalized personalities I mimic from them, for what reason? for acceptance and to avoid shame and guilt when I didn't behave or act as they wanted which further lead to self hatred or rather hating their personalities but if I don't then I will feel ashamed and guilty for whatever reason which lead to fear of rejection, yet at the same time i can't stand that so I try to act like myself, triggering more fear, hatred and so on, also something nasty about the imitated personlities is punishment for going against them, for example trying to make me suffer when I do something they don't like for example using OF or OGSF and is already clear why, without the shame, guilt and fear they can't survive, for some time now my mind goes about how inauthentic I am and how I replicate their actions and behaviors that I dislike but what if I don't feel ashamed or guilty behaving as myself? I act more like myself and no longer trigger fear for doing it, the change will be progressive and those borrowed personalities will become nothing in the end, no use keeping phantoms within me.

[User_000]

Looks like I'm hitting the subconcious where it hurts the most, my tiredness is out of normal, and the resulting headaches for keeping me awake are worse, also the feeling of pain on my chest last longer and for some reason it looks like my subconcious tries to sabotage me to avoid running OGSF, now I have no idea what is being worked on so I have to wait until overcoming that issue to find out.

[User_000]

I wake up with diarrhea in the end, this reminds me when I was using MLS and then diarrhea came up for a few weeks followed of dizziness and after that I started using OFv3 since I didn't feel any better.

[User_000]

Interesting, don't feel like watching youtube that often which I use to forget about reality, looks like I'm becoming more of a person that act instead of watch, I still have the symptoms though maybe I 'll just have to wait.

[User_000]

I just realized something, in my subconscious I'm always the victim, stuff happens and in my mind is like I'm hopeless and can't do anything about it, not even worth trying it seems, is just I get paralyzed or maybe because of my relation with my family behaving submissive for avoiding troubles, also related to overprotection from them. Then suddenly while I'm doing my stuff along with some intrusive thoughts caused by fear about me getting harm or killed this thought came to me, a thought about me actually defending myself from harm or getting killed and believing it possible, why should I let something or someone to harm myself if I can protect myself and deal harm as well, is just stupid to allow myself or something else to crush myself, I'm starting to believe I'm no more victim of fate or myself, actually able to decide and act according to it being the execution the main issue.