OFv3 - Only I will Remain...Reloaded

[NOMAD]

Day 17

Other than an issue where my dad pissed me off, I've been pretty relaxed this week. I had two nights where I didn't sleep well, but surpisingly I never found myself dragging the next day. The only time I can recall being fatigued with OFv3 is when I upped the loops (3+1). Other than that, there really hasn't been much mental drag at all. I craved alcohol a couple of nights this week, but tonight that craving is gone.

At work, I had a brief conversation with the top dog (my boss's, boss's, boss's boss). My frankness and total lack of intimidation seemed to confuse this individual. I suppose that a certain level of professional status typically commands a bit of of butt-kissery to the point that it becomes normalized. So when it doesn't happen, there's probably a sense of getting shorted in the exchange. But they'd best not be a shit about it lest the DRS open a can of whoop-ass. I didn't realize any of this until I reflected on the conversation. In hindsight, it's pretty amusing. 

I've had a two day break, so I'll start my on days tonight at 1 loop. I haven't had any cravings for extra input since the 3+1 round. Maybe the extra loops are what I needed to get through a rough patch and now I'm moving on smooth ground.

[Shannon]

If you ever get craving for alcohol again, see what running a loop instead of indulging does. Whether or not you would normally indulge those cravings.

[NOMAD]

If you ever get craving for alcohol again, see what running a loop instead of indulging does.  Whether or not you would normally indulge those cravings.

10-4. Will do.

[NOMAD]

Day 21

I was extremely anti-social today at work. I wanted to be left alone, so I mostly kept to myself. During the drive home, I passed an old man whose car appeared to have broken down on the side of the road. I felt the emotional pull toward him, but kept driving. I watched in my rear view mirror as vehicle after vehicle passed him. No one stopped. So, as soon as I was able, I looped around to check on him. He thought he had run out of gas, but didn't know for sure because the gauge was broken. He wasn't even sure if he had enough money on his debit card to buy gas. I told him I would go to the auto parts store (just up the road), get a small gas can, and put some gas in his tank to help him get to the gas station. After putting the gas in his car, it still wouldn't crank. Another couple of guys showed up to help get the car started, but nothing worked. In the end, I gave him a ride to his home. He was a Navy vet. He's 70 years old and was the youngest of 7 kids. This is the first car he'd had in a while.Hhe had just made his 2nd payment on it. He had been homeless not long ago. He had a bad hip and shoulder. I also suspect that he might've had a terminal illness based on the bruises and sub-dermal bleeding I saw on his arms. As I type this, I really feel for this man. During the drive, I was more concerned about watching his hands and his movements. He could've been a total nut. But reflecting in this, I believe it has some deeper meaning, although I'm not sure what. When I say I felt an emotional pull, I mean that in a very literal sense. (P.S. I'm tired and I'm not proofreading. Please forgive any spelling/grammar errors and any incoherent babbling).

[NOMAD]

Day 25

I find that I'm pretty disinterested in most things other than what I perceive to be of benefit to me. I don't think this is anything new. I think I'm being more honest with myself as fear diminishes. I'm becoming less concerned about facades and more in tune with my inner self. The truth is that I'm pretty selfish. Throughout my DMSi run, I experienced an outward focus. I was more social and charismatic. With OFv3, I'm focused totally inward. I don't want to speak to anyone.

I've mentioned before that UMS has some level of appeal to me now. The same goes for DMSI, which I had pretty much given up on when I switched over to LTU5. There are two reasons for this: (1) the technology is either at or close the level it needs be to accomplish the goal(s) and (2) I'm selfish, as I stated above.

At this point, I'm less concerned about self improvement just for the sake of self improvement. Being honest, it's a means to an end for me. Bring on the $$$ and sex. But also, I realize that $$$ and sex are also a means to an end, which ultimately, is fulfilment.

[NOMAD]

Day 27

I've been self- conscious about my physique since my teenage years. Right now,  I'm out of shape but that didn't stop me from going shirtless at the pool this weekend. That's a pretty big hurdle that OFv3 has helped me to overcome.

I'm getting better at visualizing and 'feeling' desired outcomes. This seems to be a direct result of OFv3 dissolving neurotic tendencies.

[NOMAD]

Day 31

A major, high profile problem popped up at work this week. Nobody had the expertise to fix it. Nobody knew who to contact to fix it. I'd had some surface level involvement with it in the past, so I was approached about a solution. My immediate thought was, "Oh shit...did I misunderstand something when I was involved and inadvertently set us up for failure? Shit Shit Shit!". I was anxious, but it wasn't earth-shattering. In the end, I dug into the issue and offered several possible problem areas to the people troubleshooting the problem. One of those potential problem areas was indeed the problem. Now it's fixed and for at least a moment, I was the hero. There was a time that the stress of the situation would've destroyed my ability to think and methodically step through the issue. That wasn't the case this time. OFv3 pulled me (and the company) out of a bind...a big one.

I've joined the 2:2:2 club (2 loops, ASRB2 2:2). I started last night and I slept like a rock. It was tough to get out of bed this morning, but I felt good all day. I'm looking forward to another good night of sleep tonight.

[ncbeareatingman]

Day 31

A major, high profile problem popped up at work this week. Nobody had the expertise to fix it. Nobody knew who to contact to fix it. I'd had some surface level involvement with it in the past, so I was approached about a solution. My immediate thought was, "Oh shit...did I misunderstand something when I was involved and inadvertently set us up for failure? Shit Shit Shit!". I was anxious, but it wasn't earth-shattering. In the end, I dug into the issue and offered several possible problem areas to the people troubleshooting the problem. One of those potential problem areas was indeed the problem. Now it's fixed and for at least a moment, I was the hero. There was a time that the stress of the situation would've destroyed my ability to think and methodically step through the issue. That wasn't the case this time. OFv3 pulled me (and the company) out of a bind...a big one.

I've joined the 2:2:2 club (2 loops, ASRB2 2:2). I started last night and I slept like a rock. It was tough to get out of bed this morning, but I felt good all day. I'm looking forward to another good night of sleep tonight.

NOMAD You,Rock Man!!

[NOMAD]

Day 31

A major, high profile problem popped up at work this week. Nobody had the expertise to fix it. Nobody knew who to contact to fix it. I'd had some surface level involvement with it in the past, so I was approached about a solution. My immediate thought was, "Oh shit...did I misunderstand something when I was involved and inadvertently set us up for failure? Shit Shit Shit!". I was anxious, but it wasn't earth-shattering. In the end, I dug into the issue and offered several possible problem areas to the people troubleshooting the problem. One of those potential problem areas was indeed the problem. Now it's fixed and for at least a moment, I was the hero. There was a time that the stress of the situation would've destroyed my ability to think and methodically step through the issue. That wasn't the case this time. OFv3 pulled me (and the company) out of a bind...a big one.

I've joined the 2:2:2 club (2 loops, ASRB2 2:2). I started last night and I slept like a rock. It was tough to get out of bed this morning, but I felt good all day. I'm looking forward to another good night of sleep tonight.

NOMAD You,Rock Man!!

I appreciate the support, man!

[NOMAD]

Day 32

I planned on listening to two loops last night, but as I was crawling in bed, three loops called to me. That's what I did.

I dreamed that I was in two-story building with a square hole in the floor that connected to the floor beneath by a ladder. While standing near the hole in the floor, something beneath exploded. A little girl was frantically trying to climb up the ladder to get away. Her skin had already been charred. I grabbed her, pulled her up to me and jumped into a nearby room in attempt to shield us from the intense heat. At that point, a narrator began describing our imminent doom as the heat consumed us. I remember feeling fear and sadness as I realized that I was too helpless to protect this frightened, hurt little girl. Then I woke up.

After falling asleep again, my next dream was of me hanging out at a laid back shopping center in a beach town while I was supposed to be at work. I was concerned about how I was going to explain it to my boss, but that didn't deter me from opting to play over working.

I had a long, solid night of sleep. Today I feel free. It's a beautiful day and I want to do something fun. I'm considering making a purchase that I decided not to make in the past. It's something I would only use temporarily until I upgrade. In the past, I've typically exercised an all or nothing mentality. Today, I feel more willing to settle for something less than the ultimate goal so my family and I can have some immediate enjoyment.

In my adult life, I've struggled to stop and smell the roses. Today, it feels like I might've released whatever has tethered me to that mindest. I feel really good right now. Emotionally, I feel like an optimistic pre-teen kid. Hopefully this continues.

Although tonight would be my ASRB2 break, I'm considering another night of listening. As usual, I'll get a better sense of what to do as the day progresses.

[Shannon]

I am really pleased that AutoConfig is working as well as it is. Now I need to make it work better for more people.

[NOMAD]

I am really pleased that AutoConfig is working as well as it is.  Now I need to make it work better for more people.

I'm pleased with it too. The vivid dreams and the way I feel today are clearly a result of upping the loops. The last time I ran three loops, I was exhausted. Today, that's not the case.

[NOMAD]

Day 34

Last night was my 4th night of listening with no ASRB2 break. The first night was 2 loops worth of listening.  The other three nights were 3 loops worth of listening. The sub must have been touching on something deep because I had a hard time falling asleep. That was common with OFv2, but has been rare on OFv3. But, I still got a good 10 hours worth of sleep and I feel great. I even walked in the kitchen this morning lit up with joy. It seemed to spread to everyone else in the room.

With all that said,  my hands are trembling. I'm even having a hard time typing this. Trembling usually occurs when I'm having trouble executing a sub, presumably because of fear. But, although I'm trembling I don't 'feel' fear on an emotional level. I did feel fear last night as I was trying to fall asleep,  but I feel really good today. That tells me that the script which prevents my conscious mind from feeling the effects of processing deep fear is being executed. I can feel it in my body (trembling), but not in my emotions (joy).

I might keep going with the loops tonight. I'm not exhausted yet and I seem to be making headway. Of course exhaustion levels could change when I'm not able to sleep so late because of work. Tentatively, I'm planning on a 5th night on then taking a 2 day break.

[NOMAD]

Day 35

I've just undergone 5 nights on. As I lied down for sleep, I turned my 3 loops on. When I woke up a few hours later, I felt anxiety in my chest area and I craved more input. So, I turned on 3 more loops. I haven't been able to fall back asleep, but I feel pretty energized. After six loops in one night, I'm pretty sure that tonight will be the start of my ASRB2 break. But, I've surprised myself with the desire to have this many "on" days, so we'll see. I've been feeling really good lately.

This next part might be of particular interest to @Shannon . It might offer some perspective on why I'm requiring/craving so much input.

Here goes:

When I was a baby, I came down with a form of strep that was killing a lot of babies at the time. I was kept in the hospital for a couple of weeks and obviously, I survived. But surviving doesn't change the fact that I was fighting for my life while I was less than a year old. Being a super sensitive, very emotional child, my grandmother always swore that this event had a significant impact on my emotional well-being. After a deep-dive "core wound" meditation I did a few years ago, I've concluded that she was right. I believe this event instilled a tremendous, fear-based worldview into my subconscious and that's what OFv3 (and beyond) is ultimately up against. That's an entire  lifetime of fear to overcome. I suspect this is why I'm probably a huge outlier when it comes to input requirements.