OF v3 Notebook

[Ruffian]

I ran my first loop of OF v3 Wednesday night when I went to bed. I was pretty relaxed when I laid down, and as I “listened” (ultrasonic, LOL!) the relaxation grew. I became totally immersed in my physical sensations.
 
As I relaxed more deeply, I became aware of a very fine vibration in my torso; specifically in the abdomen, stomach, and solar plexus. I just relaxed and basked in that energy. Then, out of the blue, a memory from many years ago surfaced. It was a memory of the person I had been involved with at that time, telling me in effect that things did not bode well for our relationship. On hearing that at the time, I felt as if somebody had punched me hard in the stomach. The memory was vivid, and visceral in every sense of the word.

The loop soon ended, and I fell asleep. The following day I felt fine, not overly tired, but perhaps with the sense of a barely perceptible 'shift' of some sort.

I ran my second loop Thursday, again as I went to bed. I was curious to see what would happen. And I fell asleep almost immediately. I never do that. It was like the flip of a switch. The day following loop two was uneventful, although after work, I did hit a patch of extreme fatigue that lasted maybe an hour.

In closing, it seems to me that that long-past breakup memory actually resided in a specific bodily location, and that it's theme of criticism/rejection/abandonment could only engender massive fear. Just one small step away from “and then I'll die!”

[Ruffian]

Today begins day three of my first ASRB2 cycle.  I've been feeling slightly 'off' since this cycle began.  It's as if something is being 'rewired,' but the job's not finished yet.  Which is not surprising, as fear is apparently able to interpenetrate every aspect of the psyche, hence its' prodigious regenerative capacity.

I've found that some stretching and light exercise seems to be helpful in breaking up 'crystalized' emotions/beliefs/attitudes in the body.  And continuing my long-term efforts to think in a new way, I've been reading Ingo Swann's Secrets of Power Volume 1.  Good stuff...

[Ruffian]

Today is my day to run another loop. I had been planning to run it when I went to bed, as I did before. But I had a miserable day at work. Now, let me be clear, most people were just doing their jobs (this is a business with hundreds of employees) and going about their business. But that small percentage of slacker stupidiots (in my department no less) just punched my buttons. Even though I know better, I was in a stew of anger and irritation.


So when I got home, I took a shower, and laid down and listened to a loop. Superficially, I'm feeling better, but I can still feel that undercurrent of anger lurking.

I've been respecting Shannon's request that we don't change anything in our listening regime for at least two weeks. But even before this, I was thinking I need more loops...

[Benjamin]

My first thought is that you may have had that anger/frustration at the other workers already but for some reason suppressed it because you were fearful at letting yourself feel or express it.

It makes me think of AM, where sometimes the anger got me to finally stand up to certain things from people who were manipulating or picking on me, where before it did annoy me but I couldn't really fully connect with that and stand up for myself.

[Shannon]

You most likely need more patience than more loops. This program is making major and important changes to you and these changes can't be rushed. No matter how much you listen, they will still take time. Feeling anger isn't a sign that you need more loops, it's a sign that something made you angry. And as Ben says, it's also likely that the program is dissolving the fears that kept your anger in check, but it was there already and is simply being allowed to express itself now.

Be patient with yourself.

[Ruffian]

Thanks for the input, guys.  I'm taking everything into consideration.

I'll post an update sometime in the next few days.

[Ruffian]

In pondering my way forward with OF v3, I've come up with these data points:


To begin, when I got up this morning and started considering what to post, I had a very strong sense of deja vu.

Next, from my first post in this thread:
“...I fell asleep almost immediately. I never do that. It was like the flip of a switch.“

Although I didn't post it at the time, I have now come around to acknowledging that this incident was more like “blacking out” than it was like falling asleep really quickly. So I'm going to say that when the loop of OF3 started playing, my subconscious 'cut the power' to my conscious mind.

Per my schedule, I ran one loop per night last Monday and Tuesday (24th and 25th.) At work Wednesday and Thursday, I had so much anger and rage, it was almost intolerable. Luckily, I remembered something that I had first become aware of maybe 8-10 years ago. But my conscious mind is so well-insulated from this realization, that it rarely enters my awareness. The realization is that some part of me is absolutely enraged that I “have to be here.” My assumption is that underneath this rage is the Mother of All Fears.

This next is a sort of an x factor, but I'm including it because my gut says it could be important. Story time:

A few years ago I attended a retreat. On the last evening, there were some celebratory toasts, a nice meal, and a few glasses of wine. I started chatting with the person next to me (who also happened to be a nurse.) Our talk rambled around from topic to topic, and at some point I began talking about an incident from my childhood which I remembered quite vividly. It was my first day of kindergarten, so I was six years old. My mother took me to the classroom (I of course was nervous/shy/uncertain) and my mother said, oh look, there's Bobby, there's Susie, you remember them. Apparently these were children I had met before, but I didn't remember any of them. (There were a couple more incidents like this from childhood that I remember, but this was the earliest.)

And then the nurse says in a very matter-of -fact manner “oh, that's face blindness.” I was dumbfounded. I had never even heard of that. It was apparent that this would have had a huge impact on my entire life. It does explain a lot of things. Even now I am very “context dependent” in remembering people. For example, if I see someone I know from work in a different environment, I may not recognize them, or if I do, I can't remember their name, or from where I know them.

So, of course I look it up online, and it mostly says that it's a brain disorder. My gut says that there is a possibility that it was caused by some trauma or abuse that occurred very early in my life, and that is why I am mentioning it here.

It's the weekend, and tonight and tomorrow are my days on, so I will run 1 loop of ultrasonic each night. After that, I will be approaching the 14-day mark, and I may have to re-evaluate my usage pattern. I simply cannot be getting all rage-y at work. I know there's something very deep that must go, I just need to find the best way forward.

[Ruffian]

OK, sticking to the plan, I started my third cycle yesterday (Saturday), and I ran 1 loop ultrasonic. So far I feel fine, but of course I'm at home, not at work. I'll run another loop tonight. Monday is a holiday, so I don't go to work. That gives me a “buffer day” for things to settle before I have to go back into that environment. That means my fourth cycle will begin next Thursday (June 3rd.)


The following week, I'm on vacation, so I won't be so concerned if I get reactive or whatnot.