OCF4-Road to Freedom 2: A New Beginning (SCUUD)

[Shannon]

Just try to avoid sources of what you internalize and interpret as others telling you that you're not good enough, etc. and things that further the negative beliefs and programming that hold you back.  For example, if you have a tendency to look at magazines that have lots of people who look the way you want to look, and you only use that as a way to judge yourself negatively, don't do that.  If social media makes you feel inferior, insecure, unworthy, then don't do that.  Whatever feeds the negative.

Got it, I will be carefull and make sure everything goes the way it should. 

because to be honest I feel pretty good,Heck even my gamers rage mellowed down, Yes I still curse but atleast I dont beat myself with the controler. 

For people with high levels of emotional personality components in their personality makeup, it's important to steer in the direction of self love, self acceptance, self forgiveness, self improvement.  It's very easy for such people to fall into the trap of taking things personally that may not even have anything to do with them, comparing thmselves to others, being self degrading, self hating, self judgemental, etc.

[MrGnome]

Just try to avoid sources of what you internalize and interpret as others telling you that you're not good enough, etc. and things that further the negative beliefs and programming that hold you back.  For example, if you have a tendency to look at magazines that have lots of people who look the way you want to look, and you only use that as a way to judge yourself negatively, don't do that.  If social media makes you feel inferior, insecure, unworthy, then don't do that.  Whatever feeds the negative.

Got it, I will be carefull and make sure everything goes the way it should. 

because to be honest I feel pretty good,Heck even my gamers rage mellowed down, Yes I still curse but atleast I dont beat myself with the controler. 

For people with high levels of emotional personality components in their personality makeup, it's important to steer in the direction of self love, self acceptance, self forgiveness, self improvement.  It's very easy for such people to fall into the trap of taking things personally that may not even have anything to do with them, comparing thmselves to others, being self degrading, self hating, self judgemental, etc.

Yeah that does describe me, I took a look on my facebook and youtube again and decided to just ditch facebook.. 

I loved keeping track of what my friends do and stuff but yeah sometimes it leads to that and the recommondation section doesn't help either...

Thats why I will also unsub myself from Political news channels.... Nothing but negativity anyway even more so since I seem to absorb other people's anger...

[MrGnome]

Day on 1:

Welp today is gonna be a busy day:

1st: a talk with my jobcoach about what to do next,Wich made me realize I'm stil unsure about how my working future will be because right now I'm at the basic but I also have to remember that I just Finished the first cycle of the first month so yeah... I pretty much need something to kill time at the moment.

2nd: D&D this time a hard fight but I'm sure we will get through it : )

3rd: I get to use OCF4 again , I have to say the first cycle wasn't that bad yes I still have some fear and things didn't go perfectly

(like buying something expensive while being financiale unstable or being unsure about my future because of the finance and my lack of succes of getting a job)

But I'm sure the rest of the 7 month's will fix it. For now all I have to do is avoid politics are anything else that does self harm. (I also wonder how the low point of the sub will effect my job searching adventure aswell but it's all worth it )

[MrGnome]

Day on 2:

Welp Yesterday sucked...

1st: So i had that talk with my jobcoach and imediatly came up for a job as a dinnerwasher just because I said it was not the worst job at the same time he also advised me to take a new education in a job that had the most change of me getting hired but I'm also stuck at taking care of our dog when my mom goes on vacation in september and I also have to help with the dog of my brother and sister in law in october and I told him about it however I start to doubt if he cares.. Also is it normale to update your job resume with a 2 month test trial?

In the end I think the true reason I got extremely pissed was because normally he would took a long while to find a job for me and now when I NEED the time to get OCF4 in my subconcious he got a new place to look at in the next 2 weeks..
not to mention that I still might not be able to work fast enough to stay there even if I wanted to..
and ofcourse the new education where yes the topic does interest me but I still lack the confidence to succeed at it..

and ofcourse because destiny said fuck you: my D&D session got cancelled at the last hour and I threw my frustration at them (even though it was not there fault that they got sick)

after explaining they luckly understood it and they even want to help me fix up my life aswell..

but yeah I spend the last evening living in self hate: Hate of my autism,Hate of the fact that I'm scared about working,Hate of the fact that I'm not a fast learner and things get complicated quickly,Hate that I dont have Quick reflexes and Hate that I dont have my life on track even though thats the entire reason I'm here in the first place but thats where the biggest one comes in

HATE: THAT I USED MY SUBS WRONG FOR 2 YEARS!!

I know that I was supposed to avoid all that self hate stuff but I couldn't because it was an important part of my life that my jobcoach,my friends and I did online...

but Like I said I'm happy my friends want to help me out in the future and I know the subs will too it's just I start to lack time to get my live and track and I'm very fearfull about my future, I need to find a way to buy time so I can slowly get my life on track with the subs.

[MrGnome]

On the bright side the sub is still working getting the funny feeling on the left side of my body, Especially around my chest and later on the rest of my body.

I also dreamt about playing a very confusing board game,I lost it and I was okay with it.

Wich is interesting because I hate losing.

[MrGnome]

Day on 1:

I know I was supposed to avoid sociale media but so far I still have a hard time breaking my habbits
but I did notice that the things that used to piss me off only annoy me now. So thats a nice upgrade even though I start the 3rd cycle tonight.

Also I had a talk with my friends yesterday and they told me about a service I can use to learn the things my parents never did: Like saving money (and not in a dictator way so I can still buy subs in the future..)

Although I think that If I use the service I'm gonna use it to Learn how to spend Life outside the door and stop being stuck inside my own home, This way I could also tackle some other small things at the same time.

I was always scared of service folk because I was scared to be always stuck with them but thats not always the case so thats nice.

Still I have no idea what I'm gonna do with the potentiale new job but I still need to buy myself some time to remove all my fears in the next 7 month's but I have to say I'm on the right track already.

[MrGnome]

Day off 3, Cycle 3:

Funny Yesterday morning I was wondering if anything had happend, because I didn't had fear related dreams and stuff

But a few hours later,Out of nowhere decided to clean my house wich wasn't even that bad (even though I still haven't cleaned everything)

I also notice that I'm being impatient again and just want to get rid of my fears already and hop on to the next experience (sub) I know it's stupid because I'm only 3 cycles in, I think I just have this feeling of having to play catch up because I used my past experiences (subs) the wrong way..

I think I'm still beating myself up over that,So I was really glad I put more effort in cleaning up my house and becomming slightly less lazy..

I just have to let go of my Perfectionism and forgive myself for it...

I also noticed I'm more open to share my opinions with my friends..

Opinions that aren't possitive...

So Yeah I really need to continue learning to love my self and stop comparing myself to others (even to other forum members and wondering why I dont have such big noticeble results yet) (even though most of them are further in the experience to begin with)

Everyone is different to begin with and as long as I get results no matter how small I should be happy.

I really should learn to become more patient and remove the feeling of needing to play catchup..

Oh well it's only the 3rd cycle and we got 7 month's of this adventure I'm sure things will get better.

[Shannon]

First, you are unique and only you are a valid comparison to yourself.

Second, perfectionism is a fear that you (or your work) is not good enough, and you will be judged negatively by others. Let go of that fear. You do you, and do things your way.

Third, you don't need to "play catch up". You learned that your subconscious was trying to hide from its fears by causing you to use the experiences in ways that weren't helpful, and now you've corrected that, KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE IS THE SINGLE MOST EXPENSIVE THING YOU WILL EVER PAY FOR, and paying for it comes in a variety of ways. Sometimes, it is time. Sometimes, it is bitter experience. But you don't need to "play catch up". You're making progress, and that's good.

Last, trying to push yourself to "go faster" is only going to work against you and make OF4 take longer. Your fearful parts need to go at the right pace for them. Let them. It's not a race. There's no goal except progress. If you're better today than you were yesterday, that's progress, and success.

[MrGnome]

First, you are unique and only you are a valid comparison to yourself.  

Second, perfectionism is a fear that you (or your work) is not good enough, and you will be judged negatively by others.  Let go of that fear.  You do you, and do things your way.  

Third, you don't need to "play catch up".  You learned that your subconscious was trying to hide from its fears by causing you to use the experiences in ways that weren't helpful, and now you've corrected that,  KNOWLEDGE AND EXPERIENCE IS THE SINGLE MOST EXPENSIVE THING YOU WILL EVER PAY FOR, and paying for it comes in a variety of ways.  Sometimes, it is time.  Sometimes, it is bitter experience.  But you don't need to "play catch up".  You're making progress, and that's good.

Last, trying to push yourself to "go faster" is only going to work against you and make OF4 take longer.  Your fearful parts need to go at the right pace for them.  Let them.  It's not a race.  There's no goal except progress.  If you're better today than you were yesterday, that's progress, and success.

Thanks Shannon I really needed that.

Day on 2, cycle 4: 

I got curious about hybrid format yesterday (without headphone speakers this time haha xD) and hoped it would make things go faster,So I did use it and I have to say for some reason I feel less tired then I do with Ultrasonic.

I dont know if this mean I less resistant to hybrid then ultra sonic? it's also the first run with hybrid so I guess I will truely know tomorrow. 

If it makes me end up worse I will just go back to Ultrasonic, After all Live is all about trial and error.

(Just needed a reminder of that fact. )

[MrGnome]

Day off 1, cycle 4:

Yeah I really feel less tired with the hybrid version, dont know if that's a good thing.

Last night I also got a dream about dead (forest) animals in my old home.

wonder what that means.

[Shannon]

Day off 1, cycle 4:

Yeah I really feel less tired with the hybrid version, dont know if that's a good thing.

Last night I also got a dream about dead (forest) animals in my old home.

wonder what that means.

Less tired means that the program is powerful enough to override the resistance.  There's less ability to fight it, so there's less fighting between cooperative and uncooperative, making for less energy wasted and less tiredness.  That means Hybrid is the right choice for you.

Dead animals in an old home is suggestive of things either no longer being able to affect you from your past, or changes concerning your past that are allowing you to move forward.

[MrGnome]

Day off 1, cycle 4:

Yeah I really feel less tired with the hybrid version, dont know if that's a good thing.

Last night I also got a dream about dead (forest) animals in my old home.

wonder what that means.

Less tired means that the program is powerful enough to override the resistance.  There's less ability to fight it, so there's less fighting between cooperative and uncooperative, making for less energy wasted and less tiredness.  That means Hybrid is the right choice for you.

Dead animals in an old home is suggestive of things either no longer being able to affect you from your past, or changes concerning your past that are allowing you to move forward.

Awesome!  

I'm Glad that I found the perfect format so fast already, Now it's time for succes!

Speaking of Succes, Day off 2, Cycle 4: 

I went to an job interview yesterday and I noticed on my trip that I stopped caring about what people would think about my music taste in the bus.  

I was also more honest about my feelings about certain days (I dont like working in the weekends) 

In the past I would be a people pleaser and just do whatever people asked of me whethere I liked it or not,But now I just told him no I dont want to work in the weekends.

I now got a trial job again this october, where I will work 2 days a week for 2 month's to see whethere we both agree on me taking the full job there. 

I also feel more confident but that may also be because yesterday was a lucky day haha xD

I also noticed I have less brain fog so that was nice. 

Considering the fact the first month isn't even over yet,I'm really curious to see what the rest of the 7 month's
will bring,Even more so now that I know that Hybrid is my perfect format.

[MrGnome]

Day on 1,Cycle 5:

Not much happening at the moment but I got 2 dreams about saving a familly member:

First it was my older brother and the second one was about saving my mother (although the last one make sense considering the fact I'm sometimes playing with the idea of buying a sub for her but I know she would only be more worried about my spending habbits instead...)

(the 2 dreams were spread over 2 days though)

[MrGnome]

Day Off 1,Cycle 5:

My mind is weird, First it wants me to increase my loop by 1 and now it shows signs that it dislikes it...

I also cant stop worrying about my subs mayby annoying my neighbors, It could be fear based because thinking of my neighbors was always ingrained but still.

I'm only using it at 7/15, hope it wont become a problem at 12/15 with later subs.

I also dreamt about being bullied and accepting the bullying. I'm not sure but it might be based on my subconcious still trying to fight the sub and has a hard time beating the hybrid format.

(to be more specifiek I dreamt about being in a colloseum and getting boo'd at and getting things thrown at me and I accepted that while still being sad about it.)