Natious on EPRHA again

[Natious]

I see your point and agree that it depends on the situation, especially if you try to read others, however I was commenting on Sarge's post to explain why I said that and I had already accounted all the other indicators from observing myself before I posted that, open/crossed legs were easy to spot as a difference between when I was feeling confident on ASC and now on EPRHA. Generally it's still a defensive body language gesture.

Hmm, I dunno man. I'm lounging on a couch right now as I type this with crossed legs (at the ankle) and a definite hunch. No one is in the house but me however.

day 50: I remember 2 dreams, one was incredibly awesome, other was incredibly gore.
First one was something about Emma Roberts, sadly can't remember much.
The second one was me and 2 guys were going to some deep Vietnam forest and traded something for gold with some family, one of the 2 guys started shouting and killed the father and kid. A bit later the mother held a knife to toward the killer and they both agreed that she'd saw off all of the killer's limbs and teeth, which I saw happening. Felt sick and horrified for 10 minutes after waking up.

That sounds crazy. :o

Are you using ultrasonic or masked btw?

Yeah the dream was crazy indeed, using masked at night, ultrasonic during the day.

[Natious]

Day 51: Resistance and depression seemed to have disappeared since yesterday evening. I did read "the power of now" and got a little frustrated, but now I'm feeling great!

Saw an odd dream again: I was working my old job and sprayed this girl by accident (adult) and she started crying, I didn't know what to do and felt incredibly guilty, trying to tell her I so did not mean to do that and it was an accident. She of course kept going and all of the sudden I fell asleep in a bed that was nearby. All of the co workers too, about 5 hours later I woke up and the boss was there. Again I was feeling very worried, guilty and trying to gain pity from my boss so I wouldn't get screamed at or fired, although the other co workers kept sleeping.
A little annoyed by the dream, can't wait for Shannon to release the new EPRHA!

[AfzalG]

when will the new ephra come out?

yeah i noticed that wm for example is sometime too much yang too while am and sm ist sometimes too much ying

[Natious]

when will the new ephra come out?

yeah i noticed that wm for example is sometime too much yang too while am and sm ist sometimes too much ying

I have no clue Afzal. Interesting observation about ying and yang.

Day 52: I slept incredibly well, I don't think I haven't slept this well in a long time. I can't give all credit to EPRHA, a glass of wine and a beer sure helped too. Normally I wake up 4-5 times a night and it takes me up to a half an hour to fall back asleep. Don't quite know what it is that wakes me up, might be anxiety related.

[Natious]

8 weeks: I have been less interested in video games lately and it's an odd feeling. I somehow feel desperate to search for new games, like a fear of letting go because I couldn't imagine what I would do for a whole day without playing games. Meanwhile I have indulged in Californication, someone mentioned the series in their journal so I gave it a go. It's odd how much you can pick up on the guy's vibe, he looks like he lives without any resistance, he doesn't constantly fight himself and is incredibly transparent in who he is. Something I want to achieve some day.

Noticed something about me today: when I see someone who's likeable die in a series or a movie, it makes me scared to shit and I get the most horrified feeling in my gut, it somehow just gets to me. Might have something to do with me seeing my grandpa die when I was 6 although I don't have any recollection of it. They said I was playing around and suddenly he collapsed in front of me. Apparently it didn't phase me one bit, I guess I just didn't understand it. I do remember the funeral, I didn't seem to care about that either. Everyone was crying and even I tried to cry, but nothing happened, there was no emotion.
Then there's another memory of being left back when everyone went to the beach and when they got back they said I was sleeping so they didn't want to wake me up, made me feel incredibly abandoned. Actually I still feel the abandonment when I try to remember what happened.

EPRHA has brought up some weird sexual fantasies, which I don't approve of, but I have less shame about them. I wonder what made them appear, must be all the fucked up brainwashing from the internet and childhood. Some of them I would just like to delete, since they don't seem like a part of me, but they keep appearing out of the blue as images and dreams. On one hand I don't approve of them and want them gone, but I don't want to put myself down for having them, that would be a step backwards.
-I wonder if anyone else has had that and if any sub helped them with that issue.

EPRHA isn't that easy to see working for me, yes I can write a lot about what's going on, but it's hard to say what is related to the sub. Most days it seems like maybe it's doing something, but at this rate I would need to run EPRHA for years to see any real results even at my 19h/day habit

[Natious]

Day 60: This is my last day on EPRHA, I will take a few days off to let the programming settle in and start EHPRA 2.0 when it comes out.

I have been feeling very low past couple of days and I just hate that state. It's a state filled with doubt, fear and worst of all EMOTIONS! If I could I would switch all that sensitive side of me off, it is so incredibly painful living like this. Sometimes it's so hard seeing the light at the end of the tunnel with this sub. I can't fully accept myself either, there are parts of me that I would never accept, but they are somewhere in the subconscious and keep appearing again and again.

[SargeMaximus]

I feel ya bro. EPRHA is taking me down into a dark abyss.

[Natious]

I feel ya bro. EPRHA is taking me down into a dark abyss.

Thank god for alcohol. Helps to nub the pain when it goes too bad.

[SargeMaximus]

I feel ya bro. EPRHA is taking me down into a dark abyss.

Thank god for alcohol. Helps to nub the pain when it goes too bad.

Seriously dude? How can you do such a thing?

I'm drug/alcohol free. Never done drugs, never been drunk. The answer isn't to RUN from your emotions.

My god, I think I'm in the wrong forum these days.

[eternity]

haha don't hate. just cause you've never experienced it, doesn't mean it doesn't serve its purpose for temporary comfort

as long as you don't pull an eternitys_child and become a full blown raging drunk, in need of detainment from the rest of society on multiple occasions, a drunk or two can be a miraculous stress reliever for some people...

plus i think natious was being lighthearted with his comment

[Benjamin]

I'm drug/alcohol free. Never done drugs, never been drunk.

Wow, I didn't realize.. i'm impressed. I have had alcohol in the past, but not a huge amount. I haven't drank for years. It's rare to find others you don't also. With the drinking culture here I get some shit for it but i'm so comfortable with it that it doesn't matter to me now. I'm not sure if it's the same where you are.

[SargeMaximus]

I'm drug/alcohol free. Never done drugs, never been drunk.

Wow, I didn't realize.. i'm impressed. I have had alcohol in the past, but not a huge amount. I haven't drank for years. It's rare to find others you don't also. With the drinking culture here I get some shit for it but i'm so comfortable with it that it doesn't matter to me now. I'm not sure if it's the same where you are.

I'm not part of any culture lol. Socially an anomaly. Seems people like hanging with me these days and conversing with me, but THEY always are the ones to try and impress ME with their "drinking habits" lol, even though I know they're lying.

One girl one time who gave me her number was like "yeah I was thinking of going to this casino for drinks" and I was like "I don't drink" she's immediately like "yeah me neither" lol whatever. Had that at work when I was in construction too. like everyone's keeping me from hearing about their "bad" sides. Kind of annoying actually, especially from girls who pretend to be "good" girls.

But yeah. Too valuable my mind is, to use drugs or alcohol and destroy it. Not to mention, like I said, running from emotions solves nothing. I enjoy wallowing. Helps me get in touch with myself, but these days, I just wish I knew how to properly deal with feelings, so I could be over them already.

[Natious]

I see your point sarge and I agree that drinking sucks. However you don't know the full picture, drinking comes with heavy genes in my family, 5/6 people in my close family are almost daily drinkers. Be as it may, it's a good comfort when shit goes to the fan and apparently I'm not ready to experience my full blown emotions yet.

[SargeMaximus]

I see your point sarge and I agree that drinking sucks. However you don't know the full picture, drinking comes with heavy genes in my family, 5/6 people in my close family are almost daily drinkers. Be as it may, it's a good comfort when shit goes to the fan and apparently I'm not ready to experience my full blown emotions yet.

My grandpa was an alcoholic and his son (my uncle) still is.

Maybe you need some help dude. Like counseling or AA. There's no shame in it. The REAL shame is wasting your life "not ready" to experience it yet.