07-12-2020, 03:40 PM
Day 42-43 (4-5)
I'm posting double day as it's after midnight of day 42 and so technically day 43 and while normally I wouldn't care and still dub it day 42 I feel like this is gonna be a long night for me and I'll be busy on day 43. So, double day I guess.
There past couple of days hasn't been kind to me due to, mostly, myself. I've told myself I'll be honest with myself and I mostly were, sadly though this means accepting facts better (easier?) left to ignorance as they are hard to accept. There are blames and I need to take a fall for and, worse of all, perhaps even apologize - the hardest thing of all if you're not certain that you should.
Having a lot of conflicting opinions ring in my head what I'm flirting is the idea of mind map. I hope that having all these conundrums plotted graphically might help me reconcile them and to find a remedy for my current issues.
My main problem right now is, of course, my mom and her illness. Again, it's nothing serious or life-threatening, but after I lost my dad I worry a lot. Maybe too much, but I wanna give her as much care as I can right now. I don't want her to feel alone. This pushes aside other issues like work and weight loss in the mean time, but it's fine. I can do that and I can afford to.
Second issue was the election. It's a minor one all things considered but as the race was close I feel strange sense of powerlessness. First election in my life (OK, not the first, but that one was practically won from the start so it doesn't count) I really cared about and we've lost it. It's a shame, but my stoicism works great for these occasions and I know that my life will be fine regardless of who's reigning. It's just a shame, that's all.
Third but possibly the most dangerous one is this whole date thing. What it did was showed me how much unfinished business I still have, how much dirt I've hidden in my closet and let it all rot there. What's worse, I fear I might have developed this stupid "pushing away those you love" kind of mechanism which is great for emotional self-defense, but terrible in the long run. The truth is that girl cared (cares?) about me and maybe I shouldn't push her away like that. Still, I'm scared that I'll let her come closer to me knowing full well I won't be ever able to give her what she's looking for just to make myself feel better. I need some more time to go through this, possibly when I don't have my mom on my mind.
BTW, @Shannon I've heard your working on LTU6 now. What do you recommend, ending this run prematurely in anticipation for LTU6 or completing this run and starting LTU6 only after I get this run done and 30 day break. Also what about pricing, will update from LTU5 to 6 be cheaper than simply buying LTU6?
I'm posting double day as it's after midnight of day 42 and so technically day 43 and while normally I wouldn't care and still dub it day 42 I feel like this is gonna be a long night for me and I'll be busy on day 43. So, double day I guess.
There past couple of days hasn't been kind to me due to, mostly, myself. I've told myself I'll be honest with myself and I mostly were, sadly though this means accepting facts better (easier?) left to ignorance as they are hard to accept. There are blames and I need to take a fall for and, worse of all, perhaps even apologize - the hardest thing of all if you're not certain that you should.
Having a lot of conflicting opinions ring in my head what I'm flirting is the idea of mind map. I hope that having all these conundrums plotted graphically might help me reconcile them and to find a remedy for my current issues.
My main problem right now is, of course, my mom and her illness. Again, it's nothing serious or life-threatening, but after I lost my dad I worry a lot. Maybe too much, but I wanna give her as much care as I can right now. I don't want her to feel alone. This pushes aside other issues like work and weight loss in the mean time, but it's fine. I can do that and I can afford to.
Second issue was the election. It's a minor one all things considered but as the race was close I feel strange sense of powerlessness. First election in my life (OK, not the first, but that one was practically won from the start so it doesn't count) I really cared about and we've lost it. It's a shame, but my stoicism works great for these occasions and I know that my life will be fine regardless of who's reigning. It's just a shame, that's all.
Third but possibly the most dangerous one is this whole date thing. What it did was showed me how much unfinished business I still have, how much dirt I've hidden in my closet and let it all rot there. What's worse, I fear I might have developed this stupid "pushing away those you love" kind of mechanism which is great for emotional self-defense, but terrible in the long run. The truth is that girl cared (cares?) about me and maybe I shouldn't push her away like that. Still, I'm scared that I'll let her come closer to me knowing full well I won't be ever able to give her what she's looking for just to make myself feel better. I need some more time to go through this, possibly when I don't have my mom on my mind.
BTW, @Shannon I've heard your working on LTU6 now. What do you recommend, ending this run prematurely in anticipation for LTU6 or completing this run and starting LTU6 only after I get this run done and 30 day break. Also what about pricing, will update from LTU5 to 6 be cheaper than simply buying LTU6?
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
