06-15-2020, 11:48 AM
I have failed. I wanna write about this as long as it's all fresh and I don't have time to think about his in retrospect.
So, I have masturbated. After 15 days and 6 hours back to square one.
Why did I do this? But why, the same reason I do everything nowadays - to try and test myself. And I went too far, I got hungry like a wolf. And I went back and tried to relax but hour and two hours and it was getting harder and harder to resist - it's just easier to let it go, right? Ask every professional torturer![Big Grin Big Grin](https://subliminal-talk.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif)
It's almost scary how your hormones can overcome you in times like that. It's not an excuse - I should learn how to overcome strong feeling like that but learning entails failure - this is why I'm disappointed, but I don't hate myself. I'm just...
I'm scared of this prospect of NoFap to be honest. I'm scared of this idea that I will be unable to do something, that unless someone gives me an orgasm I will never receive it again. Giving back control over something that is mine and for reasons that are clear when meditating but in the heat of a moment seam meaningless.
And I know I've lost little and gained much anyway. I've proven myself something and I will continue to strife in the coming weeks - I have no intention of masturbating daily now and I'm gonna break this record in July, mark my words. This pause is priceless and even if I were to get to masturbating biweekly instead of every other day - that would be huge on it's own. And I can do better than that, much better.
I'll use this reset to rethink everything, to once again get to the ideas why I wanna do NoFap. I still have this strange feeling in the back of my head that after 30 days something weird will start happening in my life - I'm not sure what and this might be just a justificating for trying myself - but I'd love to find out what it might be.
15 days and 7 hours from now I will want to come here and write about how I've succeeded
So, I have masturbated. After 15 days and 6 hours back to square one.
Why did I do this? But why, the same reason I do everything nowadays - to try and test myself. And I went too far, I got hungry like a wolf. And I went back and tried to relax but hour and two hours and it was getting harder and harder to resist - it's just easier to let it go, right? Ask every professional torturer
![Big Grin Big Grin](https://subliminal-talk.com/images/smilies/biggrin.gif)
It's almost scary how your hormones can overcome you in times like that. It's not an excuse - I should learn how to overcome strong feeling like that but learning entails failure - this is why I'm disappointed, but I don't hate myself. I'm just...
I'm scared of this prospect of NoFap to be honest. I'm scared of this idea that I will be unable to do something, that unless someone gives me an orgasm I will never receive it again. Giving back control over something that is mine and for reasons that are clear when meditating but in the heat of a moment seam meaningless.
And I know I've lost little and gained much anyway. I've proven myself something and I will continue to strife in the coming weeks - I have no intention of masturbating daily now and I'm gonna break this record in July, mark my words. This pause is priceless and even if I were to get to masturbating biweekly instead of every other day - that would be huge on it's own. And I can do better than that, much better.
I'll use this reset to rethink everything, to once again get to the ideas why I wanna do NoFap. I still have this strange feeling in the back of my head that after 30 days something weird will start happening in my life - I'm not sure what and this might be just a justificating for trying myself - but I'd love to find out what it might be.
15 days and 7 hours from now I will want to come here and write about how I've succeeded
![Smile Smile](https://subliminal-talk.com/images/smilies/smile.gif)
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4