06-15-2020, 11:48 AM
I have failed. I wanna write about this as long as it's all fresh and I don't have time to think about his in retrospect.
So, I have masturbated. After 15 days and 6 hours back to square one.
Why did I do this? But why, the same reason I do everything nowadays - to try and test myself. And I went too far, I got hungry like a wolf. And I went back and tried to relax but hour and two hours and it was getting harder and harder to resist - it's just easier to let it go, right? Ask every professional torturer
It's almost scary how your hormones can overcome you in times like that. It's not an excuse - I should learn how to overcome strong feeling like that but learning entails failure - this is why I'm disappointed, but I don't hate myself. I'm just...
I'm scared of this prospect of NoFap to be honest. I'm scared of this idea that I will be unable to do something, that unless someone gives me an orgasm I will never receive it again. Giving back control over something that is mine and for reasons that are clear when meditating but in the heat of a moment seam meaningless.
And I know I've lost little and gained much anyway. I've proven myself something and I will continue to strife in the coming weeks - I have no intention of masturbating daily now and I'm gonna break this record in July, mark my words. This pause is priceless and even if I were to get to masturbating biweekly instead of every other day - that would be huge on it's own. And I can do better than that, much better.
I'll use this reset to rethink everything, to once again get to the ideas why I wanna do NoFap. I still have this strange feeling in the back of my head that after 30 days something weird will start happening in my life - I'm not sure what and this might be just a justificating for trying myself - but I'd love to find out what it might be.
15 days and 7 hours from now I will want to come here and write about how I've succeeded
So, I have masturbated. After 15 days and 6 hours back to square one.
Why did I do this? But why, the same reason I do everything nowadays - to try and test myself. And I went too far, I got hungry like a wolf. And I went back and tried to relax but hour and two hours and it was getting harder and harder to resist - it's just easier to let it go, right? Ask every professional torturer
It's almost scary how your hormones can overcome you in times like that. It's not an excuse - I should learn how to overcome strong feeling like that but learning entails failure - this is why I'm disappointed, but I don't hate myself. I'm just...
I'm scared of this prospect of NoFap to be honest. I'm scared of this idea that I will be unable to do something, that unless someone gives me an orgasm I will never receive it again. Giving back control over something that is mine and for reasons that are clear when meditating but in the heat of a moment seam meaningless.
And I know I've lost little and gained much anyway. I've proven myself something and I will continue to strife in the coming weeks - I have no intention of masturbating daily now and I'm gonna break this record in July, mark my words. This pause is priceless and even if I were to get to masturbating biweekly instead of every other day - that would be huge on it's own. And I can do better than that, much better.
I'll use this reset to rethink everything, to once again get to the ideas why I wanna do NoFap. I still have this strange feeling in the back of my head that after 30 days something weird will start happening in my life - I'm not sure what and this might be just a justificating for trying myself - but I'd love to find out what it might be.
15 days and 7 hours from now I will want to come here and write about how I've succeeded
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
