11-20-2019, 02:04 PM
Day 75 (0)
Have you ever had this kind of day when you seem to hit rock bottom and all you can do is jump right back up?
That was today for yours truly.
It's funny really. I'm not miserable. Actually I'd say I'm quite happy. I have realized that this state I had today was my base line a couple of years ago. It's just that now it's such a low in comparison.
I feel like my body simply cannot produce dopamine. During today's 10k+ walk I saw a beautiful sight. I could objectively tell it was beautiful. I was walking down the river bank and strong breeze was carrying leaves from the alleyway above towards the river. It was pretty much leaf rain. Normally I would marvel at the sight. Normally I would tell you how in awe I was. However today when I saw it I felt despair. Just sheer, uncontrolled despair.
Again, I'm not unhappy. Somehow I'm in despair, unable to cherish small, beautiful things, but I'm not miserable.
Why is that? I don't know. Maybe I'm exhausted, I push myself too hard. Maybe it's the fault of stoic mindset I'm trying to develop. I find myself not being moved by negative things in life but anger stays, I just don't allow myself to express it - I kill it inside myself. But it stays and sours, turning into despair.
In stoicism there is a difference between apathy and apatheia. I think I'm more in the second direction but there is no fine line between these two. Apatheia is desirable, apathy is not as I view it as corrupted, misguided apatheia. Still, maybe the quantum of apathy I have developed down the line somehow poisons me.
I saw my friend some time ago and he pointed out a great thing. He says he's happy because he is not moved by others' actions and he is able to cherish small things. Now, it's easy for him to say. He's on medication and he has no commitments to speak of. But it's true, I have turned into this sad, tired adult and perhaps if I am to find solution for my despair I'll have to find the child in me. Gullible, naive, happy child in me.
If not for the fact I have only 2 weeks left on LTU I'd probably think of quitting. I feel like I'd use a reboot of sorts, stay back alone with myself and start fresh come new year. We'll see how it goes of course.
Have you ever had this kind of day when you seem to hit rock bottom and all you can do is jump right back up?
That was today for yours truly.
It's funny really. I'm not miserable. Actually I'd say I'm quite happy. I have realized that this state I had today was my base line a couple of years ago. It's just that now it's such a low in comparison.
I feel like my body simply cannot produce dopamine. During today's 10k+ walk I saw a beautiful sight. I could objectively tell it was beautiful. I was walking down the river bank and strong breeze was carrying leaves from the alleyway above towards the river. It was pretty much leaf rain. Normally I would marvel at the sight. Normally I would tell you how in awe I was. However today when I saw it I felt despair. Just sheer, uncontrolled despair.
Again, I'm not unhappy. Somehow I'm in despair, unable to cherish small, beautiful things, but I'm not miserable.
Why is that? I don't know. Maybe I'm exhausted, I push myself too hard. Maybe it's the fault of stoic mindset I'm trying to develop. I find myself not being moved by negative things in life but anger stays, I just don't allow myself to express it - I kill it inside myself. But it stays and sours, turning into despair.
In stoicism there is a difference between apathy and apatheia. I think I'm more in the second direction but there is no fine line between these two. Apatheia is desirable, apathy is not as I view it as corrupted, misguided apatheia. Still, maybe the quantum of apathy I have developed down the line somehow poisons me.
I saw my friend some time ago and he pointed out a great thing. He says he's happy because he is not moved by others' actions and he is able to cherish small things. Now, it's easy for him to say. He's on medication and he has no commitments to speak of. But it's true, I have turned into this sad, tired adult and perhaps if I am to find solution for my despair I'll have to find the child in me. Gullible, naive, happy child in me.
If not for the fact I have only 2 weeks left on LTU I'd probably think of quitting. I feel like I'd use a reboot of sorts, stay back alone with myself and start fresh come new year. We'll see how it goes of course.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
