Mystic Life - LTU 5

[Mystic Pymp]

I was riding shotgun in our work truck today, and I pulled up your post.

I saw the beauty in your word pictures, me heading off to areas mentally which I've not visited often.  Your writing is beautiful.  Thank you so much for sharing that.  I could live there.

Thanks I'm glad I could help and someone appreciated my writing. As I said, this style is heavily influenced by Whitman and, as a derivative of that, Nightwish lyrics. I cannot help but find beauty in everything that surrounds us, it's just a shame so rarely I have a mind to look for it.

Day 50 (0)

Huge and important update, so much so I might bookmark it somewhere for myself. As such it will be hard to write but I'll do my best.

So, recently I've said that what I truly need is change of perspective, redefinition of my goals and of myself in general in the aftermath of settling down after the maelstrom of emotions that was my father's death. Well, I was indeed working on it and this Friday and Saturday was an interesting case study.

What I was focusing on these past few weeks was my work. And I'm glad to admit I've exceeded my expectations on that field. However it came at a cost of my other commitments - workouts, meditation, NoFap, studies etc. I have made conscious decision to be "lazy" - to prioritize my work and loosen my other obligations. That works quite well but it doesn't make me fulfilled, in other words I would like to have a cake and eat it too.

On Thursday night while meditation I was trying, for lack of a better word, to "convince" myself to focus again on exercise and NoFap, things that were going so smooth for me in May-June. It kinda worked. Kinda. I couldn't sleep for the most of the night. Well, I was in half-sleep, my thoughts wondering in half-conscious state, so it was not insomnia. I got maybe 3 hours worth of proper sleep. In the morning I could not get up so I decided to skip on work today and do some work from home instead.

What happened on Friday was interesting. I went ahead and had a great workout, beating all my records as well as doing good long hike. Also, unlike last few weeks, I had no urge to masturbate whatsoever. What I tried to achieve, it worked. At the cost of my work.

Today I tried to synergize both frameworks. I've done my 15k walk, I did some exercises (despite being sore from Friday) and did some work. I worked, but not quite. Entire Friday I was happy, jovial. I managed to channel my May-June self and it was great. I could live like that everyday! But when it came to do me due work, well, I got angry. Tired. Not from or towards work. I like my work, I fell fulfilled by it. But it seems I cannot do both things at the same time.

I might not like to talk about this but in May-June time I was behind on my work. I was trying to do my best but it didn't work too well as I was focusing on other stuff. My successes from that time came at the cost of my work. And with my recent experiences (recent experiment, decision to let go of other commitments) I wonder if I truly cannot synergize these two. When I focus on work, my self-improvement tanks. When I self-improve, my work tanks.

I think there is a world where I could marry these two. 2 or 3 new habits, stricter work ethic (work harder but shorter), maybe setting my work environment better etc. It's important especially now that I feel like I have so little time - an illusion caused by short days and little sunlight. I think all of this is theoretically possible. Will I have enough strength and willpower to do this though?

However I'd like to put it, the 4 mentioned here pillars (work, workouts, NoFap, meditation) need not only to be included in my new framework, they need to be at the centerpiece. They need to reinforce each other, help and support entire project. Ultimately I cannot pick-and-choose.

This week I will try to keep focusing on workouts and NoFap. Now I know I can do it. I still need to figure out how to do it well, without sacrifices and excuses.

Wish me luck guys.