10-16-2019, 02:03 PM
Day 40 (0)
I was bringing myself to write an update for some time now. I'd log in, even start writing just to scrap it and log out.
I don't know, things are weird. Good, or at least better, bu helluva weird. I'm really having problem to figure this crap out sometimes. So, if I were to explain everything and give you my interpretation and thoughts I'd be there for a day writing a masterpiece of contemporary prose. Instead I want to share one change and one event that I noticed.
So wake up sleepy one
I've always had problems with waking up early. If I had to I'd be able to do this with some pain, if I didn't I'd start to negotiate with my alarm clock. This, understandably, hurt me in many ways, especially my work. I'd have to dedicate a lot of my time back at home to work as I'd spend less time in my workplace simply because I woke up at 9 instead of 6. For the last 2 weeks however I've been able to consistently and effortlessly wake up every working day at 6.
It's similar thing to what I experiences during my weight loss extravaganza. Changes, at least in some areas, would come effortlessly. And no, I'm no longer losing weight but it has become very stable so I'm content I don't have yo-yo effect. Anyway it's not to say it's easy to wake up early, it is to say it's effortless. A bit like walking 20k way back when.
You're where the wild things are
Two strange things happened that lead to another strange thing. First of all I came upon the concept of "death of ego". I'm not interested in it as life without desire is no life at all but I'm surely interested in shaping my ego and understanding where my desires come from. So the read gave me a lot of food for thought. Secondly I stumbled upon (twice) my old sweetheart I was in love with 7 years ago (because of that girl I originally came to this forum something like 4 years ago). She pretty much disdains me but both time she said "hello" to me. Nothing more, not conversation, no longing sight, simple greetings.
Add to that my recent problems with episodes of anger which I was feeding at first to deal with underlying emotions but I started to suppress and redirect them instead. I did so because I recognized that I was blaming everything but myself for my failures and mistakes. Once you admit your own responsibility and forgive yourself that crap is getting easier.
Anyhow amidst all of this I decided it'd be a swell idea to meditate on the sweetheart. I went to bed at 11 and started meditation. Instead of calming myself though I have released all my emotions, I was visualizing her and talking with her avatar. It was intense, I got filled with such unrequited love it was beautiful. I managed to fall asleep at 1 and even then I woke up 2 more times during the night. Not once during this whole meditation did I long to be with her but I did long for her to be happy and to see her smile.
Beside small manifestation from another girl during the meditation what I got from this was incredible peace of mind. I don't think I've ever experiences such emotional cleaning. My body was shaking, my visualizations were clearer than ever before and I was 100% focused on the subject. I want to do something like that more, I'm not sure how sustainable that would be but it's worth a shot to see if this could be done consistently.
I was bringing myself to write an update for some time now. I'd log in, even start writing just to scrap it and log out.
I don't know, things are weird. Good, or at least better, bu helluva weird. I'm really having problem to figure this crap out sometimes. So, if I were to explain everything and give you my interpretation and thoughts I'd be there for a day writing a masterpiece of contemporary prose. Instead I want to share one change and one event that I noticed.
So wake up sleepy one
I've always had problems with waking up early. If I had to I'd be able to do this with some pain, if I didn't I'd start to negotiate with my alarm clock. This, understandably, hurt me in many ways, especially my work. I'd have to dedicate a lot of my time back at home to work as I'd spend less time in my workplace simply because I woke up at 9 instead of 6. For the last 2 weeks however I've been able to consistently and effortlessly wake up every working day at 6.
It's similar thing to what I experiences during my weight loss extravaganza. Changes, at least in some areas, would come effortlessly. And no, I'm no longer losing weight but it has become very stable so I'm content I don't have yo-yo effect. Anyway it's not to say it's easy to wake up early, it is to say it's effortless. A bit like walking 20k way back when.
You're where the wild things are
Two strange things happened that lead to another strange thing. First of all I came upon the concept of "death of ego". I'm not interested in it as life without desire is no life at all but I'm surely interested in shaping my ego and understanding where my desires come from. So the read gave me a lot of food for thought. Secondly I stumbled upon (twice) my old sweetheart I was in love with 7 years ago (because of that girl I originally came to this forum something like 4 years ago). She pretty much disdains me but both time she said "hello" to me. Nothing more, not conversation, no longing sight, simple greetings.
Add to that my recent problems with episodes of anger which I was feeding at first to deal with underlying emotions but I started to suppress and redirect them instead. I did so because I recognized that I was blaming everything but myself for my failures and mistakes. Once you admit your own responsibility and forgive yourself that crap is getting easier.
Anyhow amidst all of this I decided it'd be a swell idea to meditate on the sweetheart. I went to bed at 11 and started meditation. Instead of calming myself though I have released all my emotions, I was visualizing her and talking with her avatar. It was intense, I got filled with such unrequited love it was beautiful. I managed to fall asleep at 1 and even then I woke up 2 more times during the night. Not once during this whole meditation did I long to be with her but I did long for her to be happy and to see her smile.
Beside small manifestation from another girl during the meditation what I got from this was incredible peace of mind. I don't think I've ever experiences such emotional cleaning. My body was shaking, my visualizations were clearer than ever before and I was 100% focused on the subject. I want to do something like that more, I'm not sure how sustainable that would be but it's worth a shot to see if this could be done consistently.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
