10-07-2019, 10:06 AM
Day 31 (0)
This is bad. I don't remember the last time I've had such mood swings.
I feel terrible. For the first time in a long, long time I felt so angry and powerless today. During today's walk, when I was drowning in these thoughts, I had a strange sense of self-realization. Something like "man, why do you think like this?", felt almost like waking up in a dream. These thoughts returned though and stayed with me.
I said many times that I have great imagination and one thing it gives me is that every period of my like is connected a feeling or some sensory stimuli. This today reminded me of beer. I might feel weird and terrible right now but that was my every day life not that long ago, a year or so, when I'd look for closure in alcohol. I don't want to use it as a way out right now but hell, it's one tempting preposition.
These shorter days, cold weather and routine are really killing me. Days just seem to pass me by and part of me just hopes for spring already. The idea that it will only get worse and winter approaches is not helping in the slightest.
I think I know what I must do as I long for this blissful state from last summer. But I start to wonder if this can actually help. I have my doubts. At the same time though I'm stubborn and I don't want to pass up. Whatever I am to do seems either not to work or clearly to be a bad idea. In this situation it seems like I can only brave through this.
Well, I can also let myself hit rock bottom, then the only way is up, right?
This is bad. I don't remember the last time I've had such mood swings.
I feel terrible. For the first time in a long, long time I felt so angry and powerless today. During today's walk, when I was drowning in these thoughts, I had a strange sense of self-realization. Something like "man, why do you think like this?", felt almost like waking up in a dream. These thoughts returned though and stayed with me.
I said many times that I have great imagination and one thing it gives me is that every period of my like is connected a feeling or some sensory stimuli. This today reminded me of beer. I might feel weird and terrible right now but that was my every day life not that long ago, a year or so, when I'd look for closure in alcohol. I don't want to use it as a way out right now but hell, it's one tempting preposition.
These shorter days, cold weather and routine are really killing me. Days just seem to pass me by and part of me just hopes for spring already. The idea that it will only get worse and winter approaches is not helping in the slightest.
I think I know what I must do as I long for this blissful state from last summer. But I start to wonder if this can actually help. I have my doubts. At the same time though I'm stubborn and I don't want to pass up. Whatever I am to do seems either not to work or clearly to be a bad idea. In this situation it seems like I can only brave through this.
Well, I can also let myself hit rock bottom, then the only way is up, right?
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
