07-28-2021, 11:51 PM
Day 28
Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated by indulging myself in laziness. My friend was supposed to come for some whisky but we decided to postpone it to Saturday - probably for the better as I don't have to treat my hangover now and I can get to work.
I was pretty bumped down as I indulged myself in thinking, something that I mentioned I'm trying to avoid these days. To the point where I play podcasts or let's plays as I fall asleep so that I don't uselessly fantasize in bed. It's funny how I consider this last year to be a total failure and one of my most successful years to date. Because on one hand I didn't achieve much this year and I feel like life was giving me blow after blow, but at the same time I made some of the most courageous decisions in my life and I will be reaping the fruits of them later down the line. I guess it come to show how I view myself. Perhaps I'm too harsh on myself or perhaps I'm not harsh enough. I don't know anymore.
As for the sub I feel disappointed while I wasn't expecting much. I don't feel fear leaving, if anything burden of the past is weighting heavy on me. I believe I read this in other journals as well but I have a lot of glimpses of the past. Practically daily I get reminded of something from my past that induced anxiety for a few seconds. It's like a headshot from an inch away from my skull. In general these kinds of memories seem more vivid. I can see myself clearly at a school desk even though it was a decade ago for example. Thankfully there are not frequent, happen mostly when I'm bored and daydreaming and pass quickly after focusing on something else.
I've heard somewhere on the internet that these kinds of memories are a subconscious telling us there is an unresolved issue we need to learn from. That it doesn't want to scare or hurt us, but instead telling us we need to take a look at this. However it doesn't tell us what we need to learn and the way it is presented is utmost unpleasant so we rather push it aside again that indulge in it. I have no idea if Shannon would agree but that makes sense to me.
Anyhow I feel like the sub is disappointing me or maybe I am disappointing the sub. There are some interesting results. I effortlessly cut down to zero my energy drink consumption, something that was not healthy and hurt my budget. I also, despite the fact that I don't go out often and when I do it's mostly for a walk or to a shop, started to take much better care of my hygiene. This might sound silly but COVID made me lazy and I washed only rarely or when I had to, now I was daily again and it just feels nice and not forced in any way. That being said I feel like maybe there is something I could do to execute better. I don't know what that is and it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for every damn bad thing that happens in my life.
Fear of not executing the sub, nice!
Every truth is half-truth. Everything's a paradox.
Yesterday was my birthday. I celebrated by indulging myself in laziness. My friend was supposed to come for some whisky but we decided to postpone it to Saturday - probably for the better as I don't have to treat my hangover now and I can get to work.
I was pretty bumped down as I indulged myself in thinking, something that I mentioned I'm trying to avoid these days. To the point where I play podcasts or let's plays as I fall asleep so that I don't uselessly fantasize in bed. It's funny how I consider this last year to be a total failure and one of my most successful years to date. Because on one hand I didn't achieve much this year and I feel like life was giving me blow after blow, but at the same time I made some of the most courageous decisions in my life and I will be reaping the fruits of them later down the line. I guess it come to show how I view myself. Perhaps I'm too harsh on myself or perhaps I'm not harsh enough. I don't know anymore.
As for the sub I feel disappointed while I wasn't expecting much. I don't feel fear leaving, if anything burden of the past is weighting heavy on me. I believe I read this in other journals as well but I have a lot of glimpses of the past. Practically daily I get reminded of something from my past that induced anxiety for a few seconds. It's like a headshot from an inch away from my skull. In general these kinds of memories seem more vivid. I can see myself clearly at a school desk even though it was a decade ago for example. Thankfully there are not frequent, happen mostly when I'm bored and daydreaming and pass quickly after focusing on something else.
I've heard somewhere on the internet that these kinds of memories are a subconscious telling us there is an unresolved issue we need to learn from. That it doesn't want to scare or hurt us, but instead telling us we need to take a look at this. However it doesn't tell us what we need to learn and the way it is presented is utmost unpleasant so we rather push it aside again that indulge in it. I have no idea if Shannon would agree but that makes sense to me.
Anyhow I feel like the sub is disappointing me or maybe I am disappointing the sub. There are some interesting results. I effortlessly cut down to zero my energy drink consumption, something that was not healthy and hurt my budget. I also, despite the fact that I don't go out often and when I do it's mostly for a walk or to a shop, started to take much better care of my hygiene. This might sound silly but COVID made me lazy and I washed only rarely or when I had to, now I was daily again and it just feels nice and not forced in any way. That being said I feel like maybe there is something I could do to execute better. I don't know what that is and it makes me feel guilty. I feel guilty for every damn bad thing that happens in my life.
Fear of not executing the sub, nice!
Every truth is half-truth. Everything's a paradox.
For not by numbers of men, nor by measure of body, but by valor of soul is war to be decided.
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
~Belisarius, the last Roman
Certitude is for the puzzle-box logicians and girls of white glamour [...]. I am a letter written in uncertainty.
~36 Lessons of Vivec, Sermon 4
