My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

I have a bit of a dilemma, and I can't see clearly through it right now.

As I said, I can laugh with my dad. But at the same time he can really bug me. Like he can be so damn emotionally needy. He is insecure, and have a need to be in center in some sort of way, he often complain about stuff and other people, and he always think that he has right. He have big problems with listening to others, to be attentive, and often just follow his own stream of thoughts. That bugs me. And at the same time I know that he have humor and can be really funny. It's like his insecurities get the best of him and turn him into a emotionally needy asshole sometimes. You get me? He can't just be relaxed, that is the problem.

[findingme]

Sounds like he may possibly be both scared and envious of you Greenduck. I find insecure people hoping their manic speech will make them feel better, but on my side, I'm more annoyed--like you.

He may be jealous of you, hoping you'll "fill his emotional bucket". So he talks and talks and talks (he's scared of being vulnerable), and I've found one in my life constantly talking so he might be validated. That--is annoying as ****. Plus draining. It's made me tense and slightly irritated when around him due to his emotional blindness.

I'm on E2 too, and today I'm finding the more I accept myself, the less I'm bothered. They don't have access to my emotional tank now. I can't fill them anyway. I'm learning to take care of me when I'm being given old messages to "feed them".

You'll know what to do or say, when it's time to do so. Take that from me, someone who didn't believe or trust himself much at all. E2 is a real lifeline

If I'm off concerning your dad, I do apologize. I only read the one paragraph above mine. Not the posts before.

[Greenduck]

Sounds like he may possibly be both scared and envious of you Greenduck. I find insecure people hoping their manic speech will make them feel better, but on my side, I'm more annoyed--like you.

He may be jealous of you, hoping you'll "fill his emotional bucket". So he talks and talks and talks (he's scared of being vulnerable), and I've found one in my life constantly talking so he might be validated. That--is annoying as ****. Plus draining. It's made me tense and slightly irritated when around him due to his emotional blindness.

I'm on E2 too, and today I'm finding the more I accept myself, the less I'm bothered. They don't have access to my emotional tank now. I can't fill them anyway. I'm learning to take care of me when I'm being given old messages to "feed them".

journal entry
You'll know what to do or say, when it's time to do so. Take that from me, someone who didn't believe or trust himself much at all. E2 is a real lifeline

If I'm off concerning your dad, I do apologize. I only read the one paragraph above mine. Not the posts before.

Hi there findingme,

Thanks for your answer and taking your time to think about the issue. You may very well be right about it. The only thing I've learned is to stay put with yourself and learn not to be irritated by other peoples behavior. The only one you can change is yourself, and you will change other peoples way of treating you by changing yourself.

I went out this weekend, by myself can i add, which is something I haven't done. Ever. I was pretty cool about it, just going out to listen to some music, dance and have some drinks. No expectations. I met some random people who I talked to, and by coincidence met a friend later on. I had a really good time, really, could really dance and enjoy myself. Some other stuff.

• A saw two girls standing next to me, one clearly nervous trying to get the nerve to start talking to me, and the other one trying to motivate her to do it. Haha it was really funny, and touching to see this happening. I cheered with her with my drink trying to make her feel comfortable, but then my friend showed up and they dissapeared, but I was totally fine with this, just enjoying that it happened.
  
• I danced towards two girls, one I found a bit interested in, but her friend sort of took the opportunity to get in the way. I danced and really opened my up in the dancing, communicating my intentions with my emotions (don't really know how to explain it, but I somewhat got sexual with just my emotions..) and after a while the friend started to grinding my groin, twerking her ass really sexually to show her interest. Haha. It didn't last to long, the tension broke, but she came back after a while, but I was starting to get tired so I called it for the night.
  

Some interesting observations. But the most important part was that I really enjoyed it. I felt kind of normal. Released some anger in the dancing which felt really good and primal. I just felt that I loved being alive again, and to be able to do that again, is probably bigger than I can grasp right now.

I also had an interesting dream tonight where I dreamed that I was going to war, it was super realistic. I really felt the fear that I guess I would in a real battle. I saw on TV later in the day where they talked about that dreaming can function as a "crisis preparation", and I guess this was something like that.

[Greenduck]

I'm starting to feel..grounded. It's hard to describe what it means, but it feels like I start to have somewhere to originate from. A place for my consciousness to take harbour, a place where my thoughts can land and take ground when after they are formulated and brought into awareness. No only floating around, constantly, taken away by the wind, but with some sort of purpose and ability to be real. This may sound abstract, I am aware of that, but it's the only way I can describe it right now. Being ungrounded is a horrible experience, and even more horrible experiencing for such a long time that I almost lost track of how things are when they are normal, but finally they are starting to become..more full of shapes and understandable.

I start to understand why I think the way I do, and can reason with myself again. I realize that the reason why I have so much problem with my mother is her reluctance to support herself emotionally. Her ability to make me feel like I am in the wrong all the time, just because she feel bad. And i KNOW that this is true. I don't doubt it anymore like I have been doing before, being swayed by her manipulative tricks and guilt-tripping. She feel like shit and she project it on me. That's it. And I had enough of it. My time spent in life is on my terms. No one will make me feel bad because they feel like shit without my consent.

[Greenduck]

Had some kind of episode where something was worked on, around 2 hours where I felt terrible. Fearful, confused, emotionally super-depressed, but feels like I am getting trough it...

[Greenduck]

I am less affected by my mother, which is really my main problem as I am living at home. I have underestimated the problem she has, and probably the effects that her behavior have had on me. I'm pretty sure that the depression I have gone through have been a cause of the relationship with her (or the lack of relationship with her more precisely).

The narcissistic traits fit well into her, as I am able to see through her behavior and not just get sucked into the guilty feeling of being the person that she want me to be. She is unable to tolerate when my dad and I have a good moment together at dinner and having a laugh, she is unable to relate to something that you are saying, always jumping in with "what she thinks about it", you can't really have some kind of understanding with each other, and you can't really be intimate with her as you can be with a parent, and feel a connection with her, it's just feels wrong (I have gone against my instincts and tried), she is like a bottomless well and trying to satisfy her needs is a BIG NO, I have come to realize, because she will suck the living energy out of you.

Me having problems with setting boundaries (being able to say no in any way) have made it really hard to distance myself from her energy-sucking behavior, but as I am starting to be able to do so, I feel I can hold my energy and life-force inside of me.

I have though that this was just a "problematic mother-son relationship" but no I am, almost fully certain, that she really is suffering from narcissism, and that it's not MY FAULT. I have gone so long and feeling like it's my fault, it's my responsibility. And I have had such a hard time to describe it to anyone else. But now I am starting to see it more and more clear, I am not faulty as a human being, because that is really how I have felt, or how she have made me feel by constantly being unable to give something, but only take and not showing me any kind of love back. I have NEVER felt loved by her. I have felt loved by my dad, but by her, never, it's like she is never satisfied and can just like someone, if she gets the chance, she will try to steer it into a way that you need to do something to be looked as OK. That is what I am breaking loose from. Around her I have felt like I need to satisfy her needs in some way (impossible as she always is upset about something) and that shit sucks the soul out of you.

I have felt so frustrated about this thing, because I didn't understood what happened when I was around her, but things are slowly starting to become clearer and I am growing some kind of strenght and boundarie-setting ability inside of myself. Feel good.

[Greenduck]

I think that E2 is giving me the opportunity to learn the unconditional love that I need to have towards myself, that I never learned how to do from my mother. I realize how critical I have been toward myself, and how many roadblocks there have between me and what I really want with life. E2 is showing me that it's OK to listen to myself and what I want, that I deserve the be heard by myself, and listened to. I really believe that will E2 (and maybe E3 further along the road) I will be able to like myself in a way I always wanted but never knew how to do, and that I will allow myself to find a life that I will be happy living, for myself (which is still a pretty strange concept to me).

[Greenduck]

My whole body is hurting as hell. Like when you have a fever. I had this before and always feel better off afterwards so I guess it’s healing happening. Anyone else experienced his?

[Greenduck]

I tried a little puff of ketamine from a friend at a pre party yesterday, and first of all - it was awesome. I just was really relaxed, we all were, just chilling and cuddling for a bit and were very relaxed. And today I'm in a significantly better mood than I use to, I feel more grounded, more relaxed, less anxious, more like myself. I've seen some documentaries how ketamine is used to treat depression in the US among another, so it's interesting to see that the I could feel the effects too.

[RTBoss]

I tried a little puff of ketamine from a friend at a pre party yesterday, and first of all - it was awesome. I just was really relaxed, we all were, just chilling and cuddling for a bit and were very relaxed. And today I'm in a significantly better mood than I use to, I feel more grounded, more relaxed, less anxious, more like myself. I've seen some documentaries how ketamine is used to treat depression in the US among another, so it's interesting to see that the I could feel the effects too.

This was a surprise to me, and wasn't aware, so I looked it up. Seems there's research being done that shows how G proteins are affected, thus lifting the symptoms of depression. Pretty interesting.

[whome]

I've used ketamine for the treatment of depression before, though under the careful supervision of a doctor in an office. If you have questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

[Greenduck]

I've used ketamine for the treatment of depression before, though under the careful supervision of a doctor in an office. If you have questions, I'd be happy to answer them.

Interesting, we don’t have that offered in my country yet, however studies are being made as we speak. How many infusions did you take? Did you had any long lasting effects?

[whome]

Interesting, we don’t have that offered in my country yet, however studies are being made as we speak. How many infusions did you take? Did you had any long lasting effects?

Depends on the country. It's funny, as its effects are well-known, but because it doesn't fit into the orthodoxy, it's not done much. Also, different countries have different laws. I don't think it's an approved treatment for depression anywhere, but in the US you can use almost any medicine for off-label purposes, and this is rather off-label

The startup is six infusions within two weeks, and then an infusion every six weeks or so. It wore off for me usually within the 4-5 week range, so that's the frequency I went back. Overall, I did it for about a year.

I'm not sure what you mean by "long-lasting". Each infusion (50mg) lasted over a month, but nothing permanent.

During that time I started working with an energy healer and got to the point where I didn't feel I needed it any more. But I still would highly recommend ketamine treatments if you can get them under medical supervision where you live.

[Greenduck]

Interesting, we don’t have that offered in my country yet, however studies are being made as we speak. How many infusions did you take? Did you had any long lasting effects?

Depends on the country. It's funny, as its effects are well-known, but because it doesn't fit into the orthodoxy, it's not done much. Also, different countries have different laws. I don't think it's an approved treatment for depression anywhere, but in the US you can use almost any medicine for off-label purposes, and this is rather off-label

The startup is six infusions within two weeks, and then an infusion every six weeks or so. It wore off for me usually within the 4-5 week range, so that's the frequency I went back. Overall, I did it for about a year.

I'm not sure what you mean by "long-lasting". Each infusion (50mg) lasted over a month, but nothing permanent.

During that time I started working with an energy healer and got to the point where I didn't feel I needed it any more. But I still would highly recommend ketamine treatments if you can get them under medical supervision where you live.

Ok, thanks for sharing! Maybe it will be available in a couple of years, but until then I’ll maybe try it by myself some other time.

Have the energy healer helped? Would you like to describe more?