My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[whome]

The gauge I was using to decide whether to go back for a ketamine infusion was my emotional state; after I started working with my energy healer it never quite dipped so low as to make me want to go back.

It's hard to explain what the energy healer does. Sessions are all "place your hand on your shoulder; breathe. OK, now yawn and stretch and bring the energy in with your arms. Now hum."

I feel very mixed. He's helped me a lot, and continues to, but the emotional pain came up something fierce a month ago to the point where I was pondering going back to get some ketamine. That's why I started with USLM in order to get the FRM going and ripping out fears underlying it all. And it has seemed to work so far. On the third day things lifted and I've been doing pretty well.

USLM is weird in that I can't even keep focusing on what are nominally my goals. They really do seem so far out of sight that I can't keep them in mind, but apparently the FRM is still finding enough fears to chew through.

[Greenduck]

The gauge I was using to decide whether to go back for a ketamine infusion was my emotional state; after I started working with my energy healer it never quite dipped so low as to make me want to go back.

It's hard to explain what the energy healer does. Sessions are all "place your hand on your shoulder; breathe. OK, now yawn and stretch and bring the energy in with your arms. Now hum."

I feel very mixed. He's helped me a lot, and continues to, but the emotional pain came up something fierce a month ago to the point where I was pondering going back to get some ketamine. That's why I started with USLM in order to get the FRM going and ripping out fears underlying it all. And it has seemed to work so far. On the third day things lifted and I've been doing pretty well.

USLM is weird in that I can't even keep focusing on what are nominally my goals. They really do seem so far out of sight that I can't keep them in mind, but apparently the FRM is still finding enough fears to chew through.

Again, interesting. Would love to find someone like that in my city.

Nice to hear that USLM are working well for you! I have had great use of E2 and are feeling that my self esteem is growing, which have been much needed. I'm not sure what to do next, so I will be running E2 and possible E3 until that is more clear. I see it as as sign that I am not fully healed until I know what the next step is

[Greenduck]

I've had some insights that stems from an increased self-esteem and decreased levels of guilt (and fear I guess).

My mother often talk about that you (me) should show more empathy towards other people. And previously I have somewhat thought that she was right, saying that I didn't show her enough caring and empathy. But as my feelings of guilt decrease (I can still feel them writing this) I realize that my empathy is conditional. I'm not forced to be empathic towards her, and I have previously felt exactly this. Because if I didn't she would get all upset about that "she does everything, yadayada" and go full throttle on the victim mentality. Because she know that would work on me. Bottom line was that I had no personal power on how to act in my day to day. I had to adjust myself to her, not to make her upset, guided by feelings of guilt. That is fading now. And I'm realizing she act as a text-book narcissist, that need other people to give her energy and attention to her world view of being a victim, because she is afraid of taking the consequenses of taking responsibility for her own life and her emotional well-being.

Like when I have talked to her before, I have always felt like somewhat a looser. Someone who actually should feel guilty because he was flawed. But as this feeling of guilt starting to crawl back and somewhat, I think self-esteem, is taking it's place (I'm really not familiar with this feeling) I feel less affected by her, and have more power on how I think of myself and thus on how I can act and be. This feel really substantial and ground-breaking in some way. My interactions with an old friend have also started to change, as I'm not so much dependent on his view of me, but am slowly starting to define myself and how I want to be seen by others.

7 months E2 yesterday. I will keep on going with it until E3 comes out, and will probably go on with E3 after that. This things are deeply located within me and need to be fully overcome.

And yeah, the last day was the first day that I pretty much felt alright. Just normal. Content. Relaxed. Not worried and anxious about everything, stuff. I'm getting more proactive, engaged, have easier to laugh. Up, up and AWAY.

[Greenduck]

E2 brought me to possible the worst day in my life today. I felt like a heroine addict on cold turkey for 6-7 hours and right there it felt like it would never end, no matter how much I tried to tell myself that it was going to pass. . It was horrible. All my old traumas came up and felt so real that I just couldn’t hide. One terrible one where I had a bad trip after smoking cannabis for some time, where I really lost it one evening. I was terrified of my life, constantly for hours. I don’t want to relive this but I guess it’s the only way of processing it. I still feel like sh*t but kind of have gotten out on the other side. My body hurts. My legs have been shaking and I had a fever. Let’s see how I feel tomorrow, I’m exhausted.

[Greenduck]

I feel different today. More embodied. Still some anxiety but I'm working it out. But more stable. Calmer. More content. More present.

[Greenduck]

I'm reading the book "the superior man" by David Deida. It's a hard read, really. No bs, and if you read it honestly, you get some pretty hard realizations. A quote that i really liked in the end of the book, that spoke to me on a deep level was:

You are entirely responsible for cutting through your own laziness, addictions, and unclarity. There is nothing to wait for and nobody to blame. Whatever techniques are appropriate, use them. Try talking with your friends, using therapy, practicing meditation or prayer, going on a vision quest, reading scripture, walking in nature, keeping a journal, or studying with a teacher. Remember that your success with any method you choose de- pends entirely on your actual commitment to discovering your deepest truth and aligning your life with it.

You could meditate until you're blue in the face, but it won't work, if, when it conies down to it, you'd rather masturbate, read the newspaper, or watch TV than cut through your addictions, discipline your daily life, and give your gift from your deepest, most blissful source. The quality of your intent and the consis- tency and depth of your application determine the results of your direction in gifting—as well as your capacity to guide your woman's life into greater happiness and bodily surrender into love.

[Greenduck]

I have had the feeling last weeks that I really miss having real friends. You know people you can really trust, who you feel at home with. And yesterday a guy who I have hanged out with some, and I have had a feeling that "there is something here" in terms of friendship, under the surface but I haven't really been able to reach it, asked if I wanted to hang out with him and his friend who is a girl, who I have met one time before and had fun with. We had an amazing evening, and in some way the moment I met them in the cab I really felt "this is friends" - in a more real sense than I have felt with people before.

I'm really happy about this. I don't think that I have had a friendship with someone I could trust 100 % before, I have had one really close friend who I was and am close with and maybe my work on myself can improve also our friendship, but this was just really nice.

I also had the experience of people really looking at me in a way like...hm, I don't know, like I am special or something. Not like sexual attraction but like interested attraction or what you should say. I think that I am starting to become who I really have been underneath all my toxic emotions and insecurities and are starting to be comfortable enough with my energies to let them radiate, and this is what causing this. I feel more authentic also. Less reactive. More honest in some way. Willing to take on life in an authentic way, not cutting corners and taking shortcuts but following my own intuition for better or worse, as long I stay honest with myself.

[Greenduck]

I’m thinking of a plan ahead in long term, let’s say 1-2 years.

Priority 1: become emotionally healthy

• Become emotionally healthy (have healthy boundaries, good self-esteem, self-love, etc)
  
• feel good on a everyday basis
  
• have a number of solid friendships
  
• feeling that i can be honest with who i am
  
• enjoy playing the piano again
  
• be in good physical shape
  

Priority 2: Have a successful, developing work life

• be good at my job and enjoy it
  
• take active steps toward my financial goals such as taking up active investment
  
• work on a possible side business
  

Priority 3: develop as a man/human being

• take up dancing
  
• read at least 12 books a year
  

[Greenduck]

Interesting thing. I'm realizing that I have gone through my life with a deep seated belief that it's not safe to love myself. That's sound so f*cked up when you say it out loud but that's really how it feels. I'm starting to challenging this, and as with all fears, it's pretty scary, but I'm doing it and with some work I'm confident I will overcome it.

I thought a bit on why I have this fear, and in a classic freudian psychoanalytic perspective, it stems from my relationship to my mom. My mom is a narcissist at her roots, using the word in a lack of a better descriptive term. But summarized she is terrified of herself, and using other people's energy to sustain her self image and sense of safety by destabilizing them. What I believe, is that she didn't supported my to love myself, because of her fear of being left alone, and thus making me create walls around myself to hinder my independence and fostering a life-long dependence on her. It's a purely selfish way of raising your kid, and it's done very subtly, but it's still there. No one outside, if not being a psychologist would probably notice this pattern. Heck, I didn't even did. I think that my daily meditation combined with E2 have helped me to understand and start to process this. I am really looking forward to finding my own sense of security and love inside, and feel that life can be safe to express my self love.

[Greenduck]

Some observations, actions and insights I have had over the last days

• I went out partying to a rave totally sober, a thing I can't imagine myself doing even before I got depressed. Absolutely progress! I had a pretty good time, enjoyed dancing and listening to the music. still social game isn't fully there, I saw some girls being interested and showing ioi's like flipping their hair and giving me looks, but I hadn't the guts to approach them. But it was fine, I kept enjoying the dancing and focusing on having a good time in a way that suited me. There will be a day, pretty soon, where that will include approaching the interested girls
  
• I catched myself realizing that I should be happy that I am who I am. To be happy to be me. Thats fundamental to emotional well-being and emotional health. I sometimes go around looking to others and in some way thinking that they are better than me, more "able" or what you should call it, but that kind of thoughts stems from poor self-esteem and i should cultivate thoughts that reinforce my happiness and belief in being me and believing that I am whole as I am, not needing to try to be like someone else.
  

[Greenduck]

I forgot to mention that I am starting to be less attached to people. Before I could get very attached to my ex-gf, thinking about how she was seeing other guys, etc. Now I let her be her own person, and living her life. My life isn't dependent upon what she does, I'm starting to have my own emotional equilibrium which wasn't really there before, fueling the co-dependent though patterns and behaviors.

[Greenduck]

I have dedicated myself to NoFap as I realized when my sexual desire increases as I am getting from out of my depression the urge to watch porn also will increase. My goal is to totally overcome my desire to reside to porn in moments of distress and inability to hold sexual energy. I try to sustain from masturbation in general as I feel my energy levels are higher when doing so and so is my ability to get things done, so I will try to abstain from it as much as possible. I don’t refrain from having sex as I enjoy it to much and I enjoy the intimacy from it to much. I plan on working on some Kegela later and continue reading a book on learning to control orgasms called “come again” https://www.goodreads.com/book/show/34234819-come-again where my goal is to be able to have enjoyable sexual for 20 minutes, where I right now struggle a bit with premature ejaculation, lasting around 5 minutes i guess, needing to stop during the intercourse not to come.

[Greenduck]

Something is happening right now (I think it's a root chakra opening) that is felt very powerful within. I feel supercharged, almost to the point of being overwhelmed, like my body is generating all this kind of emotions that I haven't felt in a long time. Like I am at the point of bursting into laughter or starting to break down into crying at the same time. Like my love for life and curiosity for things, love for people, desire to express myself, to travel, feel, haha a lot of things at the same time. I am taking it slowly, my root meditation make it extra apparent.

At the gym today I felt a bodily power I don't think I have felt before. I usually go to the gym hitting a punching bag and doing som muay thai moves like kickes, knees and punches and today my kicks were just raw-powerful. I had so much real aggression that I could use, and it felt so damn releasing. I made a lot of noise and bodily noises while beating the shit out of the bag and there were two other people, one girl and one guy who were just beside my, but it didn't stop me (why should it?) doing what I needed to do. I felt like masculine power for a lack of a better word for it. Embodied power. This have been long awaited, I feel it that way. Like something inside of me is ready to wake up that haven't gotten the place that it should and now the momentum and movement for it is starting to become unstoppable. That is how it feels.

I also gave a friend sound relationship advise and he complimented me on how rational I can look at emotions and be able to access a situation and how much he appreciated talking to me about it. I'm really happy about it, as this have been one friend who have stayed with my during my whole depression and I am glad to be able to give something back to him as I really value our friendship and like him.

[Greenduck]

I am more and more emotional. Crying to Tv-series like i haven't done before, and it feels good. Like I need it. I need to get in contact with my emotions, there is the source of my healing. To help let it out. I am afraid of showing emotions in some way, and to get help by a catalyst like an emotional scene is really helpful.

I have realized that showing emotions haven't really been encourage in my home growing up, as my mom clearly have problems when other show emotions, due to that I believe is some disorder along the BPD-spectrum. But this have caused me to bottle up emotions and not letting them flow freely when needed, which have caused all kind of problems from back pain to depression. I'm starting to change this ingrown habit, slowly but steadily and I believe it will be fundamental in reaching emotional health.

I also realize that I am becoming more compassionate as I'm getting more in tune with my own emotions. Understanding yourself is as familiar, the basis for understanding others. And the more I discover about myself the more similarities I see with other people.

I really thing this bottling up thing have had big consequenses on how I look at myself and other people. I haven't really been comfortable with other people at any time in my life. I have had friends and so on, but I haven't really been able to relax in anyones company, not fully, and being myself. I have been more comfortble in groups than in one on one, because then I could somewhat hide in the group.

But I really think these things are going to pass as I get in contact with who I am and my emotions. I am looking forward to 2019 and the things I will discover and do!