My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

E2 - 4 months, 3 weeks, 3 days

This morning was the first morning in a LONG time that I woke up and could remember dreaming about stuff that was pretty pleasant. Can't really remember what is was right now, more than it was just pleasant.

[Greenduck]

E2 - 4 months, 4 weeks, 1 day
- Average listening 1,5 hours/day

My healing is continuous and I am making new progress.

• I faced a challenge in a stressful situation today when taking up our family boat, it didn't start and we had a time schedule to keep, because there was more boats that was going to be taken up from the water and we couldn't miss our slot. I solved the problem by looking in the manual and using a manual start, which was both mentally and physically challenging. I wouldn't never been able to do this 2 months ago.
  
• I'm helping a problem who are facing suicidal thoughts. I wouldn't been able to use structured arguments, thinking for this 2 months ago
  
• I'm more able to relax
  
• My connection with my dad is coming back
  
• My connection to myself is coming back
  
• I have more energy
  
• I feel better in the morning waking up, hearing birds song for example
  
• I started to read again
  
• I'm less irritated by stuff
  
• I hold my frame easier and more stable - i feel less like a victim, and I AM less of a victim to my surroundings and situations.
  
• I don't do stuff I don't want to do <- big one
  
• I'm more clear-headed
  
• Socializing is easier
  
• I look forward to things more and have a more positive outlook on stuff
  
• I have more sense of self than I had before
  
• My memory-recollection is better
  
• Less "general anxiety" about stuff
  

[Greenduck]

It's like things are becoming clearer and clearer...

I'm starting to notice which people I like, and which people I dislike. Which people that I actually get energy/companionship from, and which people that drain me from energy. And I'm getting better and not getting "sucked into" the latter ones. This include people that are victims and people who only think about their own perspective. My mom really is a victim, and beforehand I just thought about that she was, and had my suspicions, but not I can really feel and notice it, and somewhat distance myself from it. It was in some way disclosed before, for example my friends think she is really nice, but it's like I know the truth about it. How she complains about things, how she blames other people, want them to act in different ways and it's always for "your own good". She is an expert at sugar coating her energy-taking, which ultimately her behavior is. Grown from her victim-hood in life. And the funny thing is that she often blame other for this, putting herself in some sort of "higher position", someone who doesn't. It's really hard to explain. I will buy a book on narcissism to try to figure it out better, the only thing I know right now is that her behavior is damaging for me and I need to distance myself from her, and it. That insight feels extremely valuable (my previous therapist said the same) and freeing. My goal is to totally distance my from guilt in this, which is how I have let myself be controlled by her.

[StridingStrider]

You average 1.5 loops per day? That's quite low. I thought the recommended usage was 8-12+ hours?

[Greenduck]

You average 1.5 loops per day? That's quite low. I thought the recommended usage was 8-12+ hours?

It's what have been working best for me. I have been recovering from being burned-out so just doing 1 hour have been exhausting at times and listening to more than 2 hours have fet overwhelming. Now it's becoming easier and easier and even relaxing to listen to. Sometimes less is more

[Greenduck]

I have a confession to make. Or just need to wright something off me. I had a girlfriend a while back (2 years ago) we broke up, but we still talk occationally, and we had sex last time in march this year. But she doesn't want to meet again or hook up because she feel bad afterwards because of all the emotions that come back. Anyway, I have some kind of remorse regarding that. I want her, but kind of to much. I lost myself in her, and that is why I don't want to get back together (don't even know if she want to, but I still think she like me). It's some kind of pull she has, that I get lost in. I have some nude photos of her that I keep private, but from time to time I take a look at them and feel so damn attracted to her, not just her body, but _her_. It's like I can't control myself around her. My emotions and desires go haywire. And I don't like that. It feels like she has control over me someway. But I close down the photos, refrain from jacking off and just go back to normal. But still not normal, still thinking about what I am loosing.

Is it me it's wrong with? I need to work on myself and get my own stability before getting together with a girl like her, is my own analysis. So I don't loose myself in it again. She is just so..seductive, pulling.

What are your analysis? Maybe she is TO seductive if you know what I mean. That can't be healthy to. Like if everything is about sex (in some way I think she is wired that way) and that mess me up. BLuuurrrhhhgghh. Ranting, but would love to have some input on this, felt good to write about it though.

[Greenduck]

I have a confession to make. Or just need to wright something off me. I had a girlfriend a while back (2 years ago) we broke up, but we still talk occationally, and we had sex last time in march this year. But she doesn't want to meet again or hook up because she feel bad afterwards because of all the emotions that come back. Anyway, I have some kind of remorse regarding that. I want her, but kind of to much. I lost myself in her, and that is why I don't want to get back together (don't even know if she want to, but I still think she like me). It's some kind of pull she has, that I get lost in. I have some nude photos of her that I keep private, but from time to time I take a look at them and feel so damn attracted to her, not just her body, but _her_. It's like I can't control myself around her. My emotions and desires go haywire. And I don't like that. It feels like she has control over me someway. But I close down the photos, refrain from jacking off and just go back to normal. But still not normal, still thinking about what I am loosing.

Is it me it's wrong with? I need to work on myself and get my own stability before getting together with a girl like her, is my own analysis. So I don't loose myself in it again. She is just so..seductive, pulling.

What are your analysis? Maybe she is TO seductive if you know what I mean. That can't be healthy to. Like if everything is about sex (in some way I think she is wired that way) and that mess me up. BLuuurrrhhhgghh. Ranting, but would love to have some input on this, felt good to write about it though.

I think that E2 is starting to hit on something deep. I realize that hanging out with this ex GF made some of my shadow personality traits (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shadow_(psychology)) show up and that's one part in why I found the relationship and companionship with her so different and exciting. But instead of working on the shadow traits, I was controlled by them, and that was what caused the problems, that made the relationship unhealthy to continue with. But the good thing now, if I am right, is that I am able to start to work on this stuff and sort it out so it will be under conscious sight and more easily managed. I know that there is a lot of stuff that I have pushed down because it wasn't "OK", but I never realized that you can feel stuff, and not have to act on it. That separation have appeared on later days when I have started working more on myself with meditation for example, and let me allow things to come up, feel them, but not having to act on them.

I feel a nervousness when I do my root chakra meditation, a deep unpleasant feeling that I know for a long time, a feeling that I have tried to push away, instead of welcoming it, understanding it and accepting it. I think I have handled this thing the wrong way all the time. Time will tell. Interesting to say at least.

I read some on the show written by Jung and it feels pretty accurate...

The eventual encounter with the shadow plays a central part in the process of individuation. Jung considered that "the course of individuation...exhibits a certain formal regularity. Its signposts and milestones are various archetypal symbols" marking its stages; and of these "the first stage leads to the experience of the SHADOW".[14] If "the breakdown of the persona constitutes the typical Jungian moment both in therapy and in development",[15] it is this that opens the road to the shadow within, coming about when "Beneath the surface a person is suffering from a deadly boredom that makes everything seem meaningless and empty ... as if the initial encounter with the Self casts a dark shadow ahead of time."[16] Jung considered as a perennial danger in life that "the more consciousness gains in clarity, the more monarchic becomes its content...the king constantly needs the renewal that begins with a descent into his own darkness"[17]—his shadow—which the "dissolution of the persona"[18] sets in motion.

"The shadow personifies everything that the subject refuses to acknowledge about himself" and represents "a tight passage, a narrow door, whose painful constriction no one is spared who goes down to the deep well".[19] If and when 'an individual makes an attempt to see his shadow, he becomes aware of (and often ashamed of) those qualities and impulses he denies in himself but can plainly see in others—such things as egotism, mental laziness, and sloppiness; unreal fantasies, schemes, and plots; carelessness and cowardice; inordinate love of money and possessions—...[a] painful and lengthy work of self-education".[20]

The dissolution of the persona and the launch of the individuation process also brings with it 'the danger of falling victim to the shadow ... the black shadow which everybody carries with him, the inferior and therefore hidden aspect of the personality'[21]—of a merger with the shadow.

[Greenduck]

I am, around 3 years later, finally starting to see the light in the tunnel of the existential hell that I have been living in. Like there is finally something to gravitate back towards, and not just pure suffering without any direction or points of reference. That's what it has been like. I have just gone forward on pure faith that thing will one day become better, and now they have. I'm starting to function as a human being again, able to do simple things just like starting to work again, I had lunch with a colleague today and discussed some work, that couldn't be done before. I was just not able to, I wasn't there. It feels fantastic to finally have the buoy back, the stable point that is me, back again. I can't even express it in words right now, but I will be later on.

[Greenduck]

I am reading a book called "Stop walking on eggshells - Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder" and the more I read, the more I realize that my suspicion about my mother having BPD is more and more correct. I feel how my "normal" is challenged, things I have thought about myself and how things should be, that I need to take care of other people, start to fade while I read.

And one even more interesting insight, is that I myself recognize some of the behaviors that are described to people suffering from BPD from this past years, but I no longer suffer from (thanks to E2, TRE and meditation...).

[Greenduck]

I'm starting to feel normal again. I take initiative to things, start to take contact with people, organize trips, my sense of humor is coming back, I am laughing more, I shake of things easier, I'm less anxious about other people and I'm less affected about other people. Things are really starting to lighten up.

[rayrocanaldo]

It's like things are becoming clearer and clearer...

I'm starting to notice which people I like, and which people I dislike. Which people that I actually get energy/companionship from, and which people that drain me from energy. And I'm getting better and not getting "sucked into" the latter ones. This include people that are victims and people who only think about their own perspective. My mom really is a victim, and beforehand I just thought about that she was, and had my suspicions, but not I can really feel and notice it, and somewhat distance myself from it. It was in some way disclosed before, for example my friends think she is really nice, but it's like I know the truth about it. How she complains about things, how she blames other people, want them to act in different ways and it's always for "your own good". She is an expert at sugar coating her energy-taking, which ultimately her behavior is. Grown from her victim-hood in life. And the funny thing is that she often blame other for this, putting herself in some sort of "higher position", someone who doesn't. It's really hard to explain. I will buy a book on narcissism to try to figure it out better, the only thing I know right now is that her behavior is damaging for me and I need to distance myself from her, and it. That insight feels extremely valuable (my previous therapist said the same) and freeing. My goal is to totally distance my from guilt in this, which is how I have let myself be controlled by her.

I can relate.

[Greenduck]

Today has been the darkest day that I can remember in a long time... Just everything felt upside down, weird, sad, depressing, powerless.. Had a bit of a cry in the everning. Going to sleep now but things are starting to feel a bit better.

[Greenduck]

I'm often looking out for signs that I am becoming better, getting away from the depression, from darkness to light. One thing I have noticed is that my father and I have started to laugh together again. We have somewhat found back to the humor. That feels nice, and empowering.

[Greenduck]

I'm really impressed on how E2 can take me from feeling _total shit_ in the moment of waking up with terrible anxiety, to feeling just normal and calm with just 30 minutes listening.