My healing journey - E2, Cold showers, Root chakra meditation

[Greenduck]

Read about a guy on the forum that suffer from PIED and it started to make me think about a theory I have on porn addiction.

Let say that there is a chakra-system, which is basically a system of dividing an individual into different components, in this case by labeling it by saying that at any given moment, what we do, why we do it, is because of how we are balanced energetically. I'm starting to grasp the concept, so I'll do the analysis from what I understand at this point.

So porn addiction is foremost a compulsory habit. You do it, because you have an urge to do it and you fall for this urge and perform the action. It's really a mental thing, comparable to people who need to switch on and off the light-switch when they enter a room 3 times with their left hand. Something trigger the "porn-street" in your head - something you read, that you feel lonely, that you feel stressed, etc and you walk down the porn-street and the longer you walk down the harder it become to resist, until you finally zip down your pants and pop-up an incognito browser-window.

So to overcome the habit of watching porn (insert your own reason) you can target the issue by becoming better at not walking down porn-street just by training yourself mentally, just the way that tennis or golf-players train themselves mentally in keeping a positive mindset, not letting their anger get to them when they loose a point, etc. They keep their feet on the right path, by keeping their head straight. Pretty easy? Stop watching porn, learn to resist the urge, and get your mental game straight. A lot of benefits by doing this, because you learn to control your actions and therefore will have an easier time to be one-step-ahead in general.

So why is this mental thing so powerful? Why is it so hard to resist the urge and keep your pant on. Why do it take so much energy just to control your mind?

- Because the mind control you, rather than the other way around. At least at this specific thing that you have lost control around, be it porn, smoking or gambling.

By having an addiction in your life, you are promoting a behavior which is short-sighted and are seeking something from the outside to comfort you on the inside. We all are guilty to this more or less, but it is our responsibility to take care of ourselves, short out stuff that are working against us to become driven from the inside, find what we enjoy doing, and genuinely connect with the people around us. The mind is an amazing thing if we use it, not if we are being used by it.

Oh yeah the chakra thing - Our 2nd chakra (sacral chakra) is our "emotional self", it's with this that we can connect with other people, getting to know who they are on an emotional plane. On a deeper level. When you have a "feeling" of how to connect to someone, rather than thinking of how to get to know them. All this are inside of us, but we have lost contact with it being so occupied with thinking, falling for our mental urges and keeping this up, that keeps us from feeling ourselves, what we are like, and how we feel different from others.

Then, we don't have to find our uniqueness, our identities and how we are different from others, because we already understand and feel that we are different on a more profound level, everything else just become a journey of higher self-exploration, rather than a required measure.

Long post

[Greenduck]

This latest year have really sucked, big-time. And for some reason I think that the way I used subliminals in the beginning really was even more detrimental to my downward-spiral.

I stopped listening to my own higher guidance, about what I should do, and solely trusted that the subliminal would "guide" me. Don't even know what that is supposed to mean if I'm to be honest.

Anyway, I just crammed the subliminal and didn't stop, which I believe made my crown-chakra to close and get blocked (the place that we get intuition and inspiration from, about what we should to next, etc. This is also connected to our own belief system.

Somehow I feel that subliminals, if not used in your own pace, can present a blockage in an individual, as he or she look for others opinions rather than trusting his or hers own wisdom.

But I am sure that there is much things that subliminals can be helping with, such as emotional problems, changing mindset, as long as it is used alongside your own guidance and not as a replacement for it I think you are good to go.

Anyway the blockage I have been experiencing have been substantial, and I am finally coming out from it and can tell you that it has been some challenge to get back to normal. So if you are feeling pain in your head, LISTEN and stop. These subliminals are powerful and should always be used after your own best judgement (which I clearly lacked when I didn't listen to the warning-signals).

[Greenduck]

Before shit hit the fan, I could do things that I can't do right now, and I have to face that situation to aid my current recovery.

Previously, I was a people-comforter-professional. I made other good by reading the situation, understand what they liked and adapted part of my personality to make them comfortable.

Now, I can't barely take care of my own comfort, I'm just not used to putting my attention to what I need. Previously life just went on, I could comfort other people, no problemas in particular, life went on and I just kept on going. So this have been a huge change for me. As if I don't have the energy to support a big part of my personality which is the - other people pleaser. I still can read from the situation what other people like, but now I have to change focus to what I need and like. Surely a big change.

And even though that people around me know that I have been facing a depression, they still are very used to the way I have behaved over the years. It's like I am in a current transition where I previously focused on what other people needed towards focusing on what I need, but I'm so unfamiliar with this, combined with that I feel like shit, that the transition is somewhat "not so smooth" to give a slight understatement.

Learning to balance this own emotions/others is a new thing as I previously treated emotional energy as something that just should be spread as much as it can, and making people feel good at every moment was something of my "duty". But sure as it is a great capability. it have to be used with moderation and balance to be sustainable, as with everything else. One challenge is that people around me are used to the way I have been before, and so am I. It's like no one of us know how to act, when I am not being the way I was before.

This feels like a really big deal (Even though I know it's not), and right now I just don't know what the hell I need anyway, just like I'm in some kind of transitional vacuum.

But to put some positive energy into the post, I have felt small pushes of liking to do stuff again (felt for a while to play the piano today), which I find as a sign that the progress continue to be positive.

EDIT:
What I mean with focusing on my needs, are ultimately learning to focus on supporting my emotions rather than other peoples emotions.

EDIT 2:
Let's say that there is a way to connect with others, not based on emotion, sharing a thought, but just feeling in understanding with each other. I lack that right now, like I'm not able to "reach" to others (and point here that it's not emotionally, but i don't know...spiritually? I feel disconnected somehow. Even though it's temporary, it's taking a toll on me.

[Greenduck]

Feeling for some writing, probably most of what I'm writing is just a bunch of bullsh*t but what the hell.

I miss feeling the ability to connect with others on a higher plane, on some share understanding, sharing a belief system, finding interaction points where we understand the world the same way. Discussing, figuring things out, sharing the point of view, battling it, finding common understanding and expanding upon it and looking at it from different sides.

On another point, during this period of not feeling great, I have gained perspective on how other people have looked at me during the years. For many I have been a pretty "cool" guy, even though I never looked at myself that way. Many friends, great social skills, happy, confident. And sure I have been all those things, but I never realized that anyone looked at me that way. When dabbling about how other people perceived me (I've been pretty self-conscious) I most of the time assumed they saw the worst in me, all my insecurities and stuff that I didn't want to show.

Furthermore, I was the guy who people confide in when they ran into problems, and trusted in. They still probably do, but it's hard to be for other people when you are struggling in being there just for yourself, and you shouldn't.

It must have been a giant change for many seeing this happy guy, suddenly break down, disappear from the grid, and loose all confidence in himself. I couldn't even believe it myself, but it really happened. Like sewer-total-trainwreckage-crash. I didn't deserve this, but it happened and the only think I could do was to look at it as a gift, and looking at what I could learn from it. And I sure did, but heck I didn't deserve this shit. So let's just instead look at it from the side that God changed to "hard-mode" on his PES just to see what would happen.

[Benjamin]

Remember Rule 4 Greenduck.

[Greenduck]

Point taken mod.

[Greenduck]

I'm having a case of being ungrounded. That's it, most of my problems are residing from this. Mentally, all the energy stay in my head beacause it has nowhere else to go.

[Greenduck]

During my acupuncture session today i felt something releasing, like a tension that released itself in my head. I feel clearer now afterwards, as I am more present with my thoughts.

It's clear that I have some kind of blockage in head/neck region as I am often stuck in my head rather than being present in my whole self with emotions, body and what more it is.

Read 1/3 of the book already (eastern boy, western mind) - can really recommend it for anyone, not just people curing from depression or something, it's really educative in just general life-knowledge.

Got advise from my acupuncturer that I should dress more warm and sauna at least 2 times a week.

Also started to drink 1 cup of green tea a day, maybe it'll aid my mental tension.

[Greenduck]

Nothing makes any sense to me, like the bits are not fitting together. It's like i don't hold the glue that are needed to make existence comprehensive. Things come in and out of my awareness, and when they don't, there is simply just time flowing, and bits and pieces of information flowing, but not coming through.

The contours are inseparable, trying to find answers for questions relating to my own state just give more questions. My thoughts are deep but I can't get them to surface, as I can't put them into their own perspective, I'm still down inside of them, and to me it makes sense, but taking a step back it's just nonsense without any context.

It feels like I am "to smart for myself", always dabbling with thoughts, looking for patterns and finding a deeper meaning has colored my way of thinking and being, but as the mental capacity is no longer there, the search for deeper mening only confuses me and make me feel like I am grasping for straws where there are none, and in turn questioning my own sanity.

There must be an end to this, I know there is, but the only thing I can to is trust, keep on and having faith in it, even though I cannot summon faith I have to trust it's concept.

[Greenduck]

i have felt damn ungrounded for a long while, and just been "out of touch" with myself and everything around me.

The more time goes and as I read into the subject, the more it make sense that I lost contact with my lower chakras and that my energy just went straight up into my head and upper chakras.

Been doing Tai Chi every day and I feel that the physical exercise do good work in "opening" up the lower chakras (root and chakral). I also feel more contact with my body and feeling it's heaviness as well as getting more in contact with my own emotions, even though that I have to fight the urge to try to find comfort from the outside. Read a quote that said "true self-esteem come from your own emotions".

For a while I was all into doing stuff that just stimulate upper chakras, as I tried to flee from my own emotions as they felt to painful to deal with. Tried opening 3d eye, doing all this visualizations and I was just very much...off track and lost touch with reality. And to start running AM when feeling that way, is not an good idea. Yeah well feels like I tried to explain my situation a 1000 times now, but for every time it just feels more clear and coherent to myself.

Still feel numbness on top of my head and like I am "spacey" not really able to get my head around things, but feel better physically and starting to feel again. Working with the basics, and working my way up.

EDIT: My last post is a clear example when I get "spacey" and try to figure stuff out, just up all in my head. That is not making anything better, better idea (note to self) if I feel that way, is just to go for a walk or make a cup of tea and go to bed and trust that everything will get better the next day. You will be able to figure things out and use your brains soon, but right now you are just dribbling yourself away Get better!

[Greenduck]

It feels like I'm starting to be able to take a step back and not being so damn occupied with my problems all the time, but to lift my head and see a bit further. Like a cone that is slowly lifted from my eyes.

[Greenduck]

your life is your life
don’t let it be clubbed into dank submission.
be on the watch.
there are ways out.
there is light somewhere.
it may not be much light but
it beats the darkness.
be on the watch.
the gods will offer you chances.
know them.
take them.
you can’t beat death but
you can beat death in life, sometimes.
and the more often you learn to do it,
the more light there will be.
your life is your life.
know it while you have it.
you are marvelous
the gods wait to delight
in you.

[Greenduck]

Having this experience, "the burn-out", have been somewhat eye-opening.

Previously I could always laugh off stuff (and maybe I should try to do so more) and pondered upon that other people seemed to be so run by their emotions, because you always could just relax and know that everything would be alright. I experienced stress at moments, but having a mind that worked, a solution or rationalization could always be made and the situation could be looked at with clear eyes. Little did I know what was waiting down the road.

Other peoples thoughts and emotions have been invasive and I somewhat lost grounding in my own experience, which damn sure is a great recipe for insanity. When the internal dialog goes silent, a big part of you goes away. And you loose track of your own perception, is this good? Is this bad? You loose your ability to "frame" a situation and therefore are afraid of putting this responsibility to someone else you don't trust. If they then judge you, you may actually think that their way of thinking about you/the situation is real and not just their point of opinion. Hence, you loose contact with your reality which is basically your ability to see things from different perspectives. Combine this with your emotions being are all stirred up, counteracting your ability to emotionally access a situation and understanding who is a close friend and who is not - ladies and gentlemen - there you have a challenge. An eye-opening hard-mode kick-ass kind of a challenge, and I'm on my way to overcoming it, day by day, part by part.

I'm probably stronger emotionally than I dare to think, but my mind is still working on some lower gear. Physically I'm not where I used to be, but what the hell could I expect experiencing this? But the development is positive, so that's a big thumb in the air. Hurray for me!

[Greenduck]

The more time goes, the more I'm able to get out from the panic-state I have been in, feeling totally helpless and defeated, like I didn't even could reach out for help, because the balloon felt punctured. Maybe it was.

Being out-of-touch with oneself is what best would describe it, not being able to be myself, because I had treated "myself" so badly that I totally shut off. I didn't reach out for help when I should, and I just let it go for so long time that it almost passed the point of no return.

Today was the first time that I could read a book and follow it's story for longer than a couple of minutes, and feeling like I could somewhat be calm in myself. This weekend I hanged out with a old friend and for a couple of minutes I also felt "myself" again. So it's coming back, but the process is slow and require a lot of patience.

My chest-area feels deflated and vulnerable, but I'm slowly able to reach it with great care. I guess I could compare it with a hurt child who have problems trusting anyone, especially myself as I was part of putting me through the self-neglect. Trust is a fragile thing, and need to be nurtured and taken care of, especially for yourself as you are equally important as everyone else. And by taking the time to know yourself, you will also be able to share this part of you with others, but it has to start with you. Trust is growing inside of me, and I'm taking every chance to listen to the needs coming within, hoping to reestablish the contact that I had with myself before.