(02-01-2019, 02:53 PM)Benjamin Wrote: The last sentence sounds really good. I bet E3 will kick this into overdrive, do you plan to use it when it comes out?
Thanks, yes that was some deep stuff. Yeah I am thinking about it, right now I feel that E2 is really hitting some stuff, my only concern is that that would be interrupted if I change to E3, but that's maybe hard to answer. I will ponder for a while what to do, the important thing is that E2 is working
(02-01-2019, 03:51 PM)findingme Wrote: Greenduck, I too have hid myself behind masks my entire life. I've either thought I was way above and elitist to certain people, but more commonly I've gone into a less competent, less worthy, self-denigrating role (E2 helps me with this). I'll be starting LTU 5.5 next week since it has Universal Detox in it, and that sub hit me straight on, calling me on my lies and facades I lived by on a daily basis. UD has my utmost appreciation, as it cleaned out powerful self deceptions I'd completely dismissed. Putting it together with E3 in LTU is golden due to the deep pains and awarenesses UD can bring up.
Your persistence with E2 is noteworthy to me due to the length of time you've been on it. You've cleaned out a lot, seeing by your honest regular posts, and in almost any mood imaginable. You have my respect.
I look forward to reading your E3 journal
Thanks man. +1 on the any mood possible. Sounds nice, I will follow your LTU-journey. Are you doing any other work on yourself other than subliminals?
(02-02-2019, 01:16 AM)findingme Wrote:(01-29-2019, 04:03 AM)Greenduck Wrote: I have so much problem with my mother right now. I feel like I just want her to go to hell and go f*ck herself. I don't do this, as it would have catastrophic consequences and i would probably be kicked out of the house. At the same time I am watching this video (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsBRrVqAAs8) where Gabor Maté talk about suppressed emotions and how we are stuck in behaviors rooted in our childhood. This is exactly it. I couldn't just say what I thought and felt because it would upset my mom too much. I started to shut down internally, and taking care of her emotions instead. Becoming a surrogate parent. I'm f*cking furious about this right now, at her, at my f*cking coward that who couldn't handle conflict but was to f*cking scared and just tried to put it under the rug. Things wasn't discussed and emotions were held back, making the connection inauthentic and it still is. But I started to give less f*ck about how other people feel about what I say and I just say it. Not to a degree I want to, but slowly and steadily I am expressing myself more freely and without so much inhibitions regarding on how it will be received depending on my tone of voice, etc. I just say what's inside of me, without this additional step that I always have taken in "how till the other person respond to this emotionally". That isn't authentic, saying what you feel and how you feel it is authentic, and it's up to the other person to deal with it, it's not my responbility, not my f*cking responsibility.
Phew. Lots of anger coming up now clearly.
EDIT:
I had a walk and some deeeeep rooted anger came up, my whole body tensed up and i started breathing heavily. Some of it was directed towards my mom and how she abused me emotionally during my lowest point of my depression and took out all her fear just because she could. I felt like I would be ready to kick the ass out of anyone who would try to do that again.
That's pure growth happening there man. Major growth!
It takes guts to go through what you've suppressed your entire life. Respect.
Thanks man. Yeah little by little it goes forward. I am looking forward to this year.
Thanks for your comments, I came home with a really shitty mood yesterday after beeing out drinking, I really felt self-hate for some reason. But I woke up and listened to E2 and feeling OK again. Overall I had a pretty OK time out yesterday, I still feel insecure around girls, and don't really know how to talk to them. It's the lack of sense of self that I carry that gets in the way, but now I am at least able to hang around with my friends and have a pretty good time. Also chatted with my friends tinder-date yesterday and we really had some good laughs and enjoyed each others company, so that was a clear positive!
