My OF journal

[Johannesbrst]

Hi there,

I've been lurking in the forum for a while and commenting some, but though it was time to start a journal. I started using OF on the 26th of May 2021, so we're closing up on the 12 month mark soon.

I came from a very dark place where I was fighting a deep depression that I got into 4-5 years ago. It started when I was abroad and got a kind of "spiritual-awakening" when taking a certain recreational drug. It opened the world to me in a way, and I got a glimpse on what I actually was doing with my life and what path I was heading down. 

Unfortunately I wasn't mature enough to really get the benefit from this revelation, but instead handled things pretty badly and got into abusing drugs and getting much too deep involved with spiritual practises. This combined with just getting finished in the university and entering the work-market combined with a hurtful break-up triggered all kinds of destructive emotions. 

I became suicidal and burnt-out, as well as dissociative. It was a state I wouldn't wish upon my greatest enemy, it was sheer terror, every day, for years. But I kept going because I didn't want to inflict further pain upon people close to me, and I also got triggered by some kind of competitive impulse, like "is this all you got?" "I will show you that this can be overcome".

Fast forward some years, I'm in a career that I love, working as a web developer, which I managed to get into by studying online and working on my craft. Anxiety has dropped enormously. I'm much more relaxed around other people and can just "be" instead if feeling like I need to be someone or do or say something. 

• I almost never engage in conflict, but manage to stay relaxed and cool through most events, even if people around me are worked up about something.
  
• I'm more confident about the direction I take on things, not getting swayed by others as I easily did before, being afraid of upsetting them. This has also led me to take the lead on things much more efficiently than before. But I don't have a need to have people look at me as a leader or something, it's just that sometimes no-one takes on the role of taking the lead of stuff, and if I then do it then people seem to follow my lead as I do it with people wishes in mind but still find a clear direction on where to go.
  
• I'm respected by my boss and have what I believe is a good relationship with him.
  
• I have new determination for taking myself where I want to go with life financially and work on that goal every day. 
  
• I can take a break from things and do stuff I enjoy, and not get sucked into "how can I make money on my hobby" but just enjoy it for what it is.
  
• I'm less anxious about what people think of me and care more about what I think about myself, and to treat myself fairly and with compassion.
  
• I have more clear boundaries toward other people, which actually has made the relationships better, which would seem counterintuitive if someone had told me it 3 years back.
  
• I'm not as anxious finding a girl, or needing it as much as I felt before, if it happens it happens.
  
• I'm more comfortable being by myself, and have a better feeling on which people I can trust and not.
  
• I'm more comfortable being intimate with others, not being too focused on what they think or feel, but more present in the moment with the other person.
  

I have much to thank OF for in this progresss - it has helped me substantially to improve my life and well-being. The journey has not been easy, a lot of hard feelings have come up during this year, and sometimes stayed for weeks before they subsided. But after every period that I felt worse, I always came out on the other end feeling like my "base-level" has been elevated a few ticks.

I'm going to continue using OF until I feel like it has had the time to do the work that needs to be done. I have purchased UMS that I look forward using, but not before I'm fully done with OF, as I know that I will thank myself for sticking with it when looking back on my decisions. If OF 4.0 comes out I'll buy it in a heart-beat.

[GreekGod22]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

[Johannesbrst]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

Ah, sorry for not being clear upon that. My healing journey went very, very slow in the beginning. Almost stale. I used LTU6 and it helped some, but I started to really note a difference about 6 months into OF, and after 9 months in it was clear that OF had played a big part in my recovery.

It's hard to pinpoint on a specific change in though patterns, rather has the change been physical, and the change in attitude, emotion and thought has come from that. I've had several episodes where I felt really knocked out, staying in bed with my whole body hurting and feeling like a junkie on cold-turkey, and the change to the better has been even more apparent after those episodes. 

I've been able to trace much of my anxiety from a physical anxiety, i.e. an inability to be physically relaxed, and OF seems to have been working on this aspect and helping me dissolve tensions. Going for walks have been superb way to deal with tensions, and to let the body find its own pace in finding ways to work trough tense tissues.

Oh yeah, one big point I forgot to mention is:

• Not having the need to blow up my own self-worth and importance by engaging in grandiose thinking - i.e. thinking I'm better than someone in some way, to make myself feel better about myself. I'm much more content with who I am and the need to compare myself to others have shrunk considerably. 
  

[Z-Man]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

Ah, sorry for not being clear upon that. My healing journey went very, very slow in the beginning. Almost stale. I used LTU6 and it helped some, but I started to really note a difference about 6 months into OF, and after 9 months in it was clear that OF had played a big part in my recovery.

It's hard to pinpoint on a specific change in though patterns, rather has the change been physical, and the change in attitude, emotion and thought has come from that. I've had several episodes where I felt really knocked out, staying in bed with my whole body hurting and feeling like a junkie on cold-turkey, and the change to the better has been even more apparent after those episodes. 

I've been able to trace much of my anxiety from a physical anxiety, i.e. an inability to be physically relaxed, and OF seems to have been working on this aspect and helping me dissolve tensions. Going for walks have been superb way to deal with tensions, and to let the body find its own pace in finding ways to work trough tense tissues.

Oh yeah, one big point I forgot to mention is:

• Not having the need to blow up my own self-worth and importance by engaging in grandiose thinking - i.e. thinking I'm better than someone in some way, to make myself feel better about myself. I'm much more content with who I am and the need to compare myself to others have shrunk considerably. 
  

Hello Johanlnesbrst great results. What was your listening schedule and what tracks did you use on OF V3??

[Johannesbrst]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

Ah, sorry for not being clear upon that. My healing journey went very, very slow in the beginning. Almost stale. I used LTU6 and it helped some, but I started to really note a difference about 6 months into OF, and after 9 months in it was clear that OF had played a big part in my recovery.

It's hard to pinpoint on a specific change in though patterns, rather has the change been physical, and the change in attitude, emotion and thought has come from that. I've had several episodes where I felt really knocked out, staying in bed with my whole body hurting and feeling like a junkie on cold-turkey, and the change to the better has been even more apparent after those episodes. 

I've been able to trace much of my anxiety from a physical anxiety, i.e. an inability to be physically relaxed, and OF seems to have been working on this aspect and helping me dissolve tensions. Going for walks have been superb way to deal with tensions, and to let the body find its own pace in finding ways to work trough tense tissues.

Oh yeah, one big point I forgot to mention is:

• Not having the need to blow up my own self-worth and importance by engaging in grandiose thinking - i.e. thinking I'm better than someone in some way, to make myself feel better about myself. I'm much more content with who I am and the need to compare myself to others have shrunk considerably. 
  

Hello Johanlnesbrst great results. What was your listening schedule and what tracks did you use on OF V3??

I've been sticking to schedule pretty much the whole run - i.e. 1 run / day for 2 days then 3 days off. Have been using hybrid beside utlrasonic the first month or so.

[Z-Man]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

Ah, sorry for not being clear upon that. My healing journey went very, very slow in the beginning. Almost stale. I used LTU6 and it helped some, but I started to really note a difference about 6 months into OF, and after 9 months in it was clear that OF had played a big part in my recovery.

It's hard to pinpoint on a specific change in though patterns, rather has the change been physical, and the change in attitude, emotion and thought has come from that. I've had several episodes where I felt really knocked out, staying in bed with my whole body hurting and feeling like a junkie on cold-turkey, and the change to the better has been even more apparent after those episodes. 

I've been able to trace much of my anxiety from a physical anxiety, i.e. an inability to be physically relaxed, and OF seems to have been working on this aspect and helping me dissolve tensions. Going for walks have been superb way to deal with tensions, and to let the body find its own pace in finding ways to work trough tense tissues.

Oh yeah, one big point I forgot to mention is:

• Not having the need to blow up my own self-worth and importance by engaging in grandiose thinking - i.e. thinking I'm better than someone in some way, to make myself feel better about myself. I'm much more content with who I am and the need to compare myself to others have shrunk considerably. 
  

Hello Johanlnesbrst great results. What was your listening schedule and what tracks did you use on OF V3??

I've been sticking to schedule pretty much the whole run - i.e. 1 run / day for 2 days then 3 days off. Have been using hybrid beside utlrasonic the first month or so.

How many loops?

[Johannesbrst]

How many loops?

One loop per day for 2 days, then 3 days off.

[LionMonkey]

I'm confused how much of those improvements are from running OF, since you mentioned the changes happened in years and only in the last year you've been running OF. And how exactly did those changes occur, what behaviors or shift in thinking triggered the changes?

Ah, sorry for not being clear upon that. My healing journey went very, very slow in the beginning. Almost stale. I used LTU6 and it helped some, but I started to really note a difference about 6 months into OF, and after 9 months in it was clear that OF had played a big part in my recovery.

It's hard to pinpoint on a specific change in though patterns, rather has the change been physical, and the change in attitude, emotion and thought has come from that. I've had several episodes where I felt really knocked out, staying in bed with my whole body hurting and feeling like a junkie on cold-turkey, and the change to the better has been even more apparent after those episodes. 

I've been able to trace much of my anxiety from a physical anxiety, i.e. an inability to be physically relaxed, and OF seems to have been working on this aspect and helping me dissolve tensions. Going for walks have been superb way to deal with tensions, and to let the body find its own pace in finding ways to work trough tense tissues.

Oh yeah, one big point I forgot to mention is:

• Not having the need to blow up my own self-worth and importance by engaging in grandiose thinking - i.e. thinking I'm better than someone in some way, to make myself feel better about myself. I'm much more content with who I am and the need to compare myself to others have shrunk considerably. 
  

Well done on your recovery and getting yourself in a positive direction.

The self worth thing is a common challenge in many. I had it strongly myself and sometimes I can feel it wanting to creep back when there's someone who's doing very well in an area I want to do well in and he looks similar to me.

I found that refocusing on being better than who I was yesterday helps a lot. Not better than others but better than myself yesterday or last week or last month.

-LM

[Johannesbrst]

I had a both infuriating and insightful experience tonight.

I was at a club and making out with a girl. It was really nice. Suddenly she disappears. No worries, I'm cool. I run into her at the bar a while later. We make out again in front of what I will come to learn is her gay friend.

I get the thougt  that I want to become friends with him, for some reason. He totally dissed me when I try to talk to me and becomes a major cock block and the girl start to ignore me. Some really weird dynamic going on there.

Super frustrated moment. I wanted to punch  the guy in the face but that wouldn't help my case any bit. Instead I face my losses and found a lesson inside of this:

Don't give power to people who don't have it.

That's my motto from now on. Never try to please someone. Period. If I would have just stuck to the girl and let her friend come to me, or not, the outcome would most likely haven been very different. But I gave away my power by letting her friend control her interpretation of me. Big mistake.

[Johannesbrst]

OF have been taking me trough some really deep waters lately, and bringing up almost overwhelming levels of distress and what you probably can call fear. The process is sometimes tough to go trough, but I feel it's helping me move forward, slowly and steadily.

[Johannesbrst]

I haven't learned anything. I leave everything I though I knew. Things have been reevaluated tonight.

I had a party tonight, that been spent days on preparing. We had a good time but when closing down i had one guy staying late helping me out with cleaning up. Everyone else left. It was a lot to fix. Everyone just abandoned me like I was a looser. It felt really shitty. Sounds like nothing but the way they left made me really depressed after all I did.

I feel like shit. Like they treated me like shit. I have reevaluated things after tonight. You are on your own. People you thought were your frieds only think about themselves. You are on your own. Trust few and everyone else can go fuck themselves. Never expect anything from others and stick with those that stay with you. They are few. Fuck people. I'm so disappointed. Really sad night.

[Johannesbrst]

Just have to clarify the last post, I was in a bad mental space. The party was actually a success, I just got disappointed that more people dind't stay to clean up, but I guess that's no big deal, if you host a party you need to be prepared that you will be the one cleaning up.

I'm still on OF v.3, autoconfig is telling me to have a few more days between by loops, so I have between 4-8 days rest between my, most often, 2 consecutive days of running 1 loop per day.

OF is still doing its work, and I'm happy with the direction it's taking me, I would of course be happy to use a OF with the latest level of tech, as I've decided to not start with UMS before I feel fully done with my OF journey. and OF v.4 could possibly make that journey a bit shorter.

[Johannesbrst]

I wanted to share a development that has been happening for the last week or so. I can't describe it, but it's like some kind of shift has happened, it's not obvious, at all, but just a feeling I have that something is going on. I suspect it's TID from OF.v4.

I went out this weekend, and did it all by myself. This is something I've thought about doing, but always had some blockage from actually doing, which I now with pretty good merit can attribute to fear. I still met some people I know and had a good time, but I had the feeling for maybe the first time that was "on my own", and was OK with it.

I didn't feel like people were looking at me like a looser for now being with friends, or at least I didn't pay any attention to that possible matter of fact. Instead I enjoyed myself, probably as much as I would have with friends. I'm still not fully there with conquering my fears, I still have issues toward approaching people, and sometime get nervous and put up a facade when talking to new people, which they often seem to sense, and putting a halt in the development of the encounter.

It's an interesting development, if it's caused by the TID from OF v.4 I'm looking forward listening to it "in real time" as well