At the gym today, I found my mind wandering to the women. As usual. I decided I would really analyze my thoughts and the motivations behind them.
I came to the conclusion that I've spent years building up a false sense of confidence. I walk with my head up, I meet people's gaze - or ignore them completely. After all, I have an excuse - my earbuds are in, how could we talk anyway, right?
Being real, I realize there's a thick wall of FAKE that I've built up around myself. I appear hard, but my mind is overrun with thoughts about who's looking, who's not. I started asking myself WHY do I even want/need them to look? And if I was approached, what then? Would it be exciting, or would I be nervous? What would I even do with it? And to let go of the looking, and thinking about who's looking, it feels like I'm losing something. What could I possibly lose? It's confounding. What's wrong with a simple, normal human interaction? Why does it have to be something else?
The only conclusion I can come to is I want to feel needed, wanted, and valued. If I'm feeling that way, I'm not generating that within me, and must feel like I don't get that at home. Essentially, I'm a fake, fear-filled mess. That's hard to admit to yourself.
I came to the conclusion that I've spent years building up a false sense of confidence. I walk with my head up, I meet people's gaze - or ignore them completely. After all, I have an excuse - my earbuds are in, how could we talk anyway, right?
Being real, I realize there's a thick wall of FAKE that I've built up around myself. I appear hard, but my mind is overrun with thoughts about who's looking, who's not. I started asking myself WHY do I even want/need them to look? And if I was approached, what then? Would it be exciting, or would I be nervous? What would I even do with it? And to let go of the looking, and thinking about who's looking, it feels like I'm losing something. What could I possibly lose? It's confounding. What's wrong with a simple, normal human interaction? Why does it have to be something else?
The only conclusion I can come to is I want to feel needed, wanted, and valued. If I'm feeling that way, I'm not generating that within me, and must feel like I don't get that at home. Essentially, I'm a fake, fear-filled mess. That's hard to admit to yourself.
