Had a dream last night about an ex who I dated while on E2, when I was 32 and she was 22. Younger women are my preference but I have alot of insecurities around it, even if I do see evidence they are attracted to me, and some of the responses earlier in PM when I got served in shops showed that too.
I was pissed off at her for ages in that she just sent a message breaking up with me a few days before I was going to see her next, with some nonsense trying to make me feel guilty, and trying to tell me something from when I was last with her made her lose all attraction to me, which is complete bs seeing that after that conflict on that day we then had sex and did something she said she hasn't done before.
I didn't reply and regretted it. I always thought I should have just went over there and told her something like "stop bullshitting me, you know I still turn you on" and kissed her. And I woke up after that dream with that choice reinforced in my mind that it would have been a good one, as it was definately some bs test trying to test if i'd back down on my own desires. And I didn't reply cos she said it was over and didn't see her again. Well I did in the street a few months later while on DMSI and she got so nervous and kept walking when I said "how's it going".
The other thing today represents my back and forth pattern. I wake up feeling inspired to do something, go somewhere (it's saturday here) and if I get on the computer or look at social media or whatever it drains my desire and mood. That partly shows me some PM/Masculine mindset kicking in being annoyed at dumb shit from people and commenting on it, atleast on facebook where I wouldn't before or wouldn't usually. I think there's a balance needed to be found between "it's useless to argue or comment on things on facebook" and to at times comment on it and tell them what you think cos you're sick of what they are saying.
But then there's the other thing, the pattern of I go out somewhere and over time (as in an hour or a few hours) I start to feel down, frustrated, depressed that there's no other good places to go around here, or not good events on that interest me, or get frustrated that my fear stops me talking to girls, or seeing couples and seeing that I seem to be the only one with this issue, or feeling like that anyway. And I go down in a spiral.
I'm not sure how to interrupt it, sometimes just staying at home playing games distracts me from it and makes it seem to not be there, but it doesn't solve the issue. Nor does it seem actually going out somewhere seem to solve it either.
So what's the solution? Half go out somewhere, have half of my body still in the house and the other half out in the front yard. I don't know.
EDIT: Ok, it come to me after this. The issue isn't completely being in a kind of small place (though it would make a difference being somewhere bigger), nor not knowing what to do. It's fear. Fear stopping me taking the actions, from being able to really goto things and enjoy myself and such.
I'm making myself turn off the computer and go somewhere instead of sitting here numbing it out with timewasting crap.
I was pissed off at her for ages in that she just sent a message breaking up with me a few days before I was going to see her next, with some nonsense trying to make me feel guilty, and trying to tell me something from when I was last with her made her lose all attraction to me, which is complete bs seeing that after that conflict on that day we then had sex and did something she said she hasn't done before.
I didn't reply and regretted it. I always thought I should have just went over there and told her something like "stop bullshitting me, you know I still turn you on" and kissed her. And I woke up after that dream with that choice reinforced in my mind that it would have been a good one, as it was definately some bs test trying to test if i'd back down on my own desires. And I didn't reply cos she said it was over and didn't see her again. Well I did in the street a few months later while on DMSI and she got so nervous and kept walking when I said "how's it going".
The other thing today represents my back and forth pattern. I wake up feeling inspired to do something, go somewhere (it's saturday here) and if I get on the computer or look at social media or whatever it drains my desire and mood. That partly shows me some PM/Masculine mindset kicking in being annoyed at dumb shit from people and commenting on it, atleast on facebook where I wouldn't before or wouldn't usually. I think there's a balance needed to be found between "it's useless to argue or comment on things on facebook" and to at times comment on it and tell them what you think cos you're sick of what they are saying.
But then there's the other thing, the pattern of I go out somewhere and over time (as in an hour or a few hours) I start to feel down, frustrated, depressed that there's no other good places to go around here, or not good events on that interest me, or get frustrated that my fear stops me talking to girls, or seeing couples and seeing that I seem to be the only one with this issue, or feeling like that anyway. And I go down in a spiral.
I'm not sure how to interrupt it, sometimes just staying at home playing games distracts me from it and makes it seem to not be there, but it doesn't solve the issue. Nor does it seem actually going out somewhere seem to solve it either.
So what's the solution? Half go out somewhere, have half of my body still in the house and the other half out in the front yard. I don't know.
EDIT: Ok, it come to me after this. The issue isn't completely being in a kind of small place (though it would make a difference being somewhere bigger), nor not knowing what to do. It's fear. Fear stopping me taking the actions, from being able to really goto things and enjoy myself and such.
I'm making myself turn off the computer and go somewhere instead of sitting here numbing it out with timewasting crap.
