I had a weird dream 2 nights ago that I can't even explain or even comprehend it myself. But I woke up with a realization that i'm likely in a low grade chronic stress fight and flight type state but i'm not even aware of it. It's much less than a few years ago when I had much worse physical things going on, but it's probably still there.. and it especially increases around attractive girls.. then leads me to go down in a spiral because of it.
I went out yesterday to a market and walked around and a few other things. And when stuff was coming up I was trying to breathe (box breathing which is meant to help you come down) and just sat there in my car for a bit, then even put PM on for about 10-15 minutes which did relax me a bit and I felt better when I then went for a walk.
But still went down in a spiral eventually, even if I seemed to hold it off a bit. And went on another porn binge, probably worse than the last few times.
And usually when that happens if it's on a weekend and then the next day on monday is a workout day I still do it. But today I really didn't want to, and it's only my 3rd week on. I had all these well sounding reasons like "my body needs a rest" "maybe working out is increasing my fight and flight" and such, which are complete bullshit as it relives stress.
Then I realized "these are low t thoughts" convincing me that weakness and this bullshit is okay, that not doing it is okay. No wonder the world is as fucked as it is, if this kind of things are created by low t.
I ended up doing some stretching, don't feel good about it, but I seriously didn't feel like I could push through and do the workout. It's partly the porn binge, but also it seems even more resistance to PM. Currently been doing 12 loops, 10 at night, 2 through the day.
2 weeks left until the 3 month mark. My thoughts have been "what's going to happen in the next 2 weeks, maybe I should just stop" but still have put my loops on today. Doing my last 2 day loops before the rest day, I REALLY didn't want to listen and had to force myself to press play, I can't say i've had that much of a strong desire not to listen and reluctance to pressing play for quite a while. I seriously don't think I could handle any more than 12 loops, but I wonder if I should just keep going. But i'm feeling like if it's not breaking through then it may not do so.
I also didn't do my red light therapy this morning, which is only 6 minutes and is a very well established habit for years on weekdays.
Also thoughts that I planned to have the measurements I took in testosterone, a bodyscan, videos for the 3 months is wasted if I stop and start something else just because it's getting difficult. And I won't know if PM actually concretely improved those things, I know my physique has improved, but how much? And was it worth it? I won't know if I don't do the scan. Of course I can still do the scan I guess, but it wouldn't be good to do my testosterone test today after a porn binge as it's obviously severely drained right now. Unfortunately the body scan isn't available for another month from now.
I explored my resistance in a document, didn't really get anything that really 'hit' but stuff that makes sense such as if i'm a successful masculine man then I have to deal with stuff around girls, and this fear is impossible to deal with.. but then it goes back to my abandonment, rejection, not being wanted from my biological mum again. And any rejection will confirm that so it's safer for me to reject myself first by having this overwhelming fear, and doing stuff like going on porn binges which stops my drive and temporarily stops the desire, though it fucks everything else up like my motivation. I do notice the pattern whenever my sex drive starts increasing this all gets worse, and it was coming up again in the last few days.
It's funny how it always goes back to this obsession with girls and sex and it's even stronger on masculinity programs like PM and AM and other things i've used. But then the deeper layers under that is the abandonment and rejection which explains that obsession in some part of me thinking if I could just get the girls I want then it might make me feel better about all of that or help deal with it.
Next is likely OGSF v3. For now i'm trying to slugde through another 2 weeks of listening.
I went out yesterday to a market and walked around and a few other things. And when stuff was coming up I was trying to breathe (box breathing which is meant to help you come down) and just sat there in my car for a bit, then even put PM on for about 10-15 minutes which did relax me a bit and I felt better when I then went for a walk.
But still went down in a spiral eventually, even if I seemed to hold it off a bit. And went on another porn binge, probably worse than the last few times.
And usually when that happens if it's on a weekend and then the next day on monday is a workout day I still do it. But today I really didn't want to, and it's only my 3rd week on. I had all these well sounding reasons like "my body needs a rest" "maybe working out is increasing my fight and flight" and such, which are complete bullshit as it relives stress.
Then I realized "these are low t thoughts" convincing me that weakness and this bullshit is okay, that not doing it is okay. No wonder the world is as fucked as it is, if this kind of things are created by low t.
I ended up doing some stretching, don't feel good about it, but I seriously didn't feel like I could push through and do the workout. It's partly the porn binge, but also it seems even more resistance to PM. Currently been doing 12 loops, 10 at night, 2 through the day.
2 weeks left until the 3 month mark. My thoughts have been "what's going to happen in the next 2 weeks, maybe I should just stop" but still have put my loops on today. Doing my last 2 day loops before the rest day, I REALLY didn't want to listen and had to force myself to press play, I can't say i've had that much of a strong desire not to listen and reluctance to pressing play for quite a while. I seriously don't think I could handle any more than 12 loops, but I wonder if I should just keep going. But i'm feeling like if it's not breaking through then it may not do so.
I also didn't do my red light therapy this morning, which is only 6 minutes and is a very well established habit for years on weekdays.
Also thoughts that I planned to have the measurements I took in testosterone, a bodyscan, videos for the 3 months is wasted if I stop and start something else just because it's getting difficult. And I won't know if PM actually concretely improved those things, I know my physique has improved, but how much? And was it worth it? I won't know if I don't do the scan. Of course I can still do the scan I guess, but it wouldn't be good to do my testosterone test today after a porn binge as it's obviously severely drained right now. Unfortunately the body scan isn't available for another month from now.
I explored my resistance in a document, didn't really get anything that really 'hit' but stuff that makes sense such as if i'm a successful masculine man then I have to deal with stuff around girls, and this fear is impossible to deal with.. but then it goes back to my abandonment, rejection, not being wanted from my biological mum again. And any rejection will confirm that so it's safer for me to reject myself first by having this overwhelming fear, and doing stuff like going on porn binges which stops my drive and temporarily stops the desire, though it fucks everything else up like my motivation. I do notice the pattern whenever my sex drive starts increasing this all gets worse, and it was coming up again in the last few days.
It's funny how it always goes back to this obsession with girls and sex and it's even stronger on masculinity programs like PM and AM and other things i've used. But then the deeper layers under that is the abandonment and rejection which explains that obsession in some part of me thinking if I could just get the girls I want then it might make me feel better about all of that or help deal with it.
Next is likely OGSF v3. For now i'm trying to slugde through another 2 weeks of listening.
