PM is not at all what I expected, is it what I wanted? I still don't know.
Have had very strong hopelessness, more than I ever remember. One day I was seriously sitting there just staring into space it was so full on. It kept building and I had a thought that it's trying to lead me to be like "fuck this" and do things I haven't been doing due to fear and such, and that it must be working on it to be bringing it up.
Sadly it got very strong and I went on a porn binge, after being around 6+ weeks off it which is a record for quite a while. I also felt that alot of the strong feelings coming up were due to me not pushing them down with porn. Since then it's been harder to think and become aware of the ressitance, though it's still there.
That was a week ago, then this weekend I went deeper into that hole by furthering that coping mechanism in a negative way.. all due to a seemingly impossible to conquer fear of talking to girls, no matter what I do or what method I use on it. Of course doing this shit will make the fear worse but that doesn't stop it in the moment knowing that consciously.
After that yesterday I was like "fuck this i'm doing 8 loops" and it felt right, I wasn't sure but went with it. This morning I felt weird like nothing was happening. But I had the urge to go out, and this shows the thing that is frustrating for me about PM.
Basically i'm mostly feeling 'nothing'. I'm not feeling masculine, i'm not feeling confident or really that good about myself. BUT 8 loops did something, in one shop a very sexy girl walked past and gave me this little smile and in the supermarket the girl who served me usually just seems 'flat' (like boring and unresponsive) and she was responsive, seemed attracted, and the woman working next to her talked to me too, and maybe a couple of other things I can't remember in other shops.
This is similar to I think friday, I went to some shops. Walking behind some guy into one shop and he opened the door for me and said "I seen you in the window, it's like a mirror" and he had this weird and happy vibe, then in the shop another random guy just started talking to me and didn't seem to want to stop. A girl working in another shop was all kind of nervous and I confirmed it when I said "how's it going" and her response.
But with this happening i'm not feeling that i'm projecting anything and as I said i'm not especially confidence and am feeling fairly insecure actually.
Other things i'm noticing are subtle. It seems to have guided me to a couple of small helpful habits that i've taken on, a little bit of a difference with my workouts and i've noticed that i'm shaping up a little bit, not massive but i've noticed it, my gut is less noticable in some shirts where it would stick out more.
After the 8 loops last night, this afternoon when I got home I was frustrated again, alot of it was that I didn't talk to the girl who was interested which is why I went on a bad binge yesterday too, and the cause of alot of the hopelessness and depression recently, for a while actually. And I started having thoughts of it will never get anywhere, I just need to do something else, try yet another thing, when nothing recently has helped me actually CONCRETELY achieve my goals. Just little "yeah maybe it's doing something".
Actually the frustration around this fear has lead me to some crazy thought patterns after it, but it doesn't seem that i'm able to interrupt it. Occasionally i'll break through and talk to 1 or 2 girls and it'll seem to trigger the same thing after that. Yesterday it brought strong feelings of "what's the fucking point of spending all this time working out if I can never even talk to a girl anyway?" "what's the point of training martial arts if i'll never have anyone to protect?" (e.g a girl).
The thought is "how long do I try this for?" because it is similar that I keep going and keep going, with past programs and with methods i've used thinking "yes maybe i'll hit a breakthrough" and never do. I wouldn't even want to add up the HUGE amount of hours i've spent on all of this, applying different methods dilligently, writing notes and doing exercises and such from different books, exploring all of this... and not much to show from it.
The BIGGEST part causing most of it his this fucking 'sabotage' thing that very quickly derails the shifts and changes happening. I'll have dreams indicating something being worked on and i'll wake up and it'll be right there destroying the realization or shift, or i'll be feeling good going somewhere and it'll do the same. If these shifts and realizations were actually happening properly, from how i'm feeling when they initially start, a definite difference in that something has shifted, then this sabotage ruining that and getting rid of it.. then the changes would be very noticable.
Thoughts of stopping to deal with that sabotage again, but I spent ages trying to do that and I initially made progress with one method I was getting coached in, then he tried something else and messed up all the progress and seemed to get rid of the progress i'd made towards lessening it. Or it brought me to that itself as it tries to take things i've learnt to use too, sounds crazy I know but i've been dealing with it and observing it for a long time. At some point it started I don't know why, but I do remember earlier days of subliminals that I WAS able to actually get realizations and shifts and things were happening properly, at some time it stopped.
Have had very strong hopelessness, more than I ever remember. One day I was seriously sitting there just staring into space it was so full on. It kept building and I had a thought that it's trying to lead me to be like "fuck this" and do things I haven't been doing due to fear and such, and that it must be working on it to be bringing it up.
Sadly it got very strong and I went on a porn binge, after being around 6+ weeks off it which is a record for quite a while. I also felt that alot of the strong feelings coming up were due to me not pushing them down with porn. Since then it's been harder to think and become aware of the ressitance, though it's still there.
That was a week ago, then this weekend I went deeper into that hole by furthering that coping mechanism in a negative way.. all due to a seemingly impossible to conquer fear of talking to girls, no matter what I do or what method I use on it. Of course doing this shit will make the fear worse but that doesn't stop it in the moment knowing that consciously.
After that yesterday I was like "fuck this i'm doing 8 loops" and it felt right, I wasn't sure but went with it. This morning I felt weird like nothing was happening. But I had the urge to go out, and this shows the thing that is frustrating for me about PM.
Basically i'm mostly feeling 'nothing'. I'm not feeling masculine, i'm not feeling confident or really that good about myself. BUT 8 loops did something, in one shop a very sexy girl walked past and gave me this little smile and in the supermarket the girl who served me usually just seems 'flat' (like boring and unresponsive) and she was responsive, seemed attracted, and the woman working next to her talked to me too, and maybe a couple of other things I can't remember in other shops.
This is similar to I think friday, I went to some shops. Walking behind some guy into one shop and he opened the door for me and said "I seen you in the window, it's like a mirror" and he had this weird and happy vibe, then in the shop another random guy just started talking to me and didn't seem to want to stop. A girl working in another shop was all kind of nervous and I confirmed it when I said "how's it going" and her response.
But with this happening i'm not feeling that i'm projecting anything and as I said i'm not especially confidence and am feeling fairly insecure actually.
Other things i'm noticing are subtle. It seems to have guided me to a couple of small helpful habits that i've taken on, a little bit of a difference with my workouts and i've noticed that i'm shaping up a little bit, not massive but i've noticed it, my gut is less noticable in some shirts where it would stick out more.
After the 8 loops last night, this afternoon when I got home I was frustrated again, alot of it was that I didn't talk to the girl who was interested which is why I went on a bad binge yesterday too, and the cause of alot of the hopelessness and depression recently, for a while actually. And I started having thoughts of it will never get anywhere, I just need to do something else, try yet another thing, when nothing recently has helped me actually CONCRETELY achieve my goals. Just little "yeah maybe it's doing something".
Actually the frustration around this fear has lead me to some crazy thought patterns after it, but it doesn't seem that i'm able to interrupt it. Occasionally i'll break through and talk to 1 or 2 girls and it'll seem to trigger the same thing after that. Yesterday it brought strong feelings of "what's the fucking point of spending all this time working out if I can never even talk to a girl anyway?" "what's the point of training martial arts if i'll never have anyone to protect?" (e.g a girl).
The thought is "how long do I try this for?" because it is similar that I keep going and keep going, with past programs and with methods i've used thinking "yes maybe i'll hit a breakthrough" and never do. I wouldn't even want to add up the HUGE amount of hours i've spent on all of this, applying different methods dilligently, writing notes and doing exercises and such from different books, exploring all of this... and not much to show from it.
The BIGGEST part causing most of it his this fucking 'sabotage' thing that very quickly derails the shifts and changes happening. I'll have dreams indicating something being worked on and i'll wake up and it'll be right there destroying the realization or shift, or i'll be feeling good going somewhere and it'll do the same. If these shifts and realizations were actually happening properly, from how i'm feeling when they initially start, a definite difference in that something has shifted, then this sabotage ruining that and getting rid of it.. then the changes would be very noticable.
Thoughts of stopping to deal with that sabotage again, but I spent ages trying to do that and I initially made progress with one method I was getting coached in, then he tried something else and messed up all the progress and seemed to get rid of the progress i'd made towards lessening it. Or it brought me to that itself as it tries to take things i've learnt to use too, sounds crazy I know but i've been dealing with it and observing it for a long time. At some point it started I don't know why, but I do remember earlier days of subliminals that I WAS able to actually get realizations and shifts and things were happening properly, at some time it stopped.
