This is interesting. On most past subs it tends to take a while to have dreams with intense emotions, well last night the 2nd night I had one.
First it started off like I was in a video game setting up an ambush for some public figure or something. I don't really remember that part and it doesn't stand out.
But the next part I was out the front of this technological kind of 2 story mansion, and it had these electronic 'tracks' leading from the door to a tv there. My auntie and someone else (maybe another relative i'm not sure) were trying to turn the tv up with a remote and it wasn't working. I had another remote and was trying to help.
The volume then come on and they were standing on this 'track' near the door and suddenly there was this explosion with electricity flying out everywhere and they were on the ground. And there were fires everywhere, I realized my mum and dad were on the 2nd floor and tried to go in but the stairs were all destroyed and there were fires everywhere so I couldn't get up there.
I remember strong feelings of fear and panic and I was screaming.
I woke up not feeling good, but realizing that when this happens it means it's working through something. I woke up with this weird thought and feelings of "I don't want to be violent, I just want to feel love".
Confusing, as part of my goal of the program is to improve my martial arts skills and such.. but in reality I don't want to have to fight. Thinking about it later in the day I thought "well actually if this training and having to fight is coming from love, as in having to protect somebody or myself, then that's fine and it makes sense".
I'm getting a sense that PM is noticably different than the AM programs in that with those I was much more moody, didn't give a fuck about much. Whereas with PM there seems to be this kind of element around love and good feelings as opposed to "FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYTHING FUCK THE WORLD".
I can't explain it, but I usually tune out when I read stuff about love, especially around Masculinity. But I also was reading something around that after my first listening yesterday and it suddenly made more sense to me. I can't remember what it was now specifically. Of course it's too early to really say if this is the case, but that's my first impression. I think part of my fear for PM was due to the crazy rollercoaster, mood swings and intensity and just being crazy and angry with rage alot of the time on the AM programs and thinking it would be like that. We will see.
Also I noticed after getting up I was feeling like contacting my biological mum and brothers and sisters and feeling like seeing them. This is different because a few years ago, maybe on OFv3 I decided that she was not a positive in my life at all and stopped talking to her. She keeps messaging me every now and then and sending cards but I haven't had any desire to reply. Also haven't seen my brother and have always had this feeling since covid when his girlfriend deleted me from facebook for my opinions that it'd just be awkward and uncomfortable.
Though a bit later those feelings of wanting to see them again passed, but i'm guessing it will keep going in the direction of reuniting with them. My thought was that I felt like I couldn't deal with it, and obviously Masculinity means being able to deal with things that might be difficult or uncomfortable. I don't mind if it keeps developing in that way and I end up feeling like talking to them again.
I also hate christmas but I actually in the morning had this feeling of enthusiasm for it briefly, along with those other feelings around my biological mum. Interesting, but that passed too after a while.
First it started off like I was in a video game setting up an ambush for some public figure or something. I don't really remember that part and it doesn't stand out.
But the next part I was out the front of this technological kind of 2 story mansion, and it had these electronic 'tracks' leading from the door to a tv there. My auntie and someone else (maybe another relative i'm not sure) were trying to turn the tv up with a remote and it wasn't working. I had another remote and was trying to help.
The volume then come on and they were standing on this 'track' near the door and suddenly there was this explosion with electricity flying out everywhere and they were on the ground. And there were fires everywhere, I realized my mum and dad were on the 2nd floor and tried to go in but the stairs were all destroyed and there were fires everywhere so I couldn't get up there.
I remember strong feelings of fear and panic and I was screaming.
I woke up not feeling good, but realizing that when this happens it means it's working through something. I woke up with this weird thought and feelings of "I don't want to be violent, I just want to feel love".
Confusing, as part of my goal of the program is to improve my martial arts skills and such.. but in reality I don't want to have to fight. Thinking about it later in the day I thought "well actually if this training and having to fight is coming from love, as in having to protect somebody or myself, then that's fine and it makes sense".
I'm getting a sense that PM is noticably different than the AM programs in that with those I was much more moody, didn't give a fuck about much. Whereas with PM there seems to be this kind of element around love and good feelings as opposed to "FUCK YOU FUCK EVERYTHING FUCK THE WORLD".
I can't explain it, but I usually tune out when I read stuff about love, especially around Masculinity. But I also was reading something around that after my first listening yesterday and it suddenly made more sense to me. I can't remember what it was now specifically. Of course it's too early to really say if this is the case, but that's my first impression. I think part of my fear for PM was due to the crazy rollercoaster, mood swings and intensity and just being crazy and angry with rage alot of the time on the AM programs and thinking it would be like that. We will see.
Also I noticed after getting up I was feeling like contacting my biological mum and brothers and sisters and feeling like seeing them. This is different because a few years ago, maybe on OFv3 I decided that she was not a positive in my life at all and stopped talking to her. She keeps messaging me every now and then and sending cards but I haven't had any desire to reply. Also haven't seen my brother and have always had this feeling since covid when his girlfriend deleted me from facebook for my opinions that it'd just be awkward and uncomfortable.
Though a bit later those feelings of wanting to see them again passed, but i'm guessing it will keep going in the direction of reuniting with them. My thought was that I felt like I couldn't deal with it, and obviously Masculinity means being able to deal with things that might be difficult or uncomfortable. I don't mind if it keeps developing in that way and I end up feeling like talking to them again.
I also hate christmas but I actually in the morning had this feeling of enthusiasm for it briefly, along with those other feelings around my biological mum. Interesting, but that passed too after a while.
