Make Fear Fiction Again (OF V3)

[Shannon]

Ben, I'm going to suggest that you start off doing 1 loop per day on and take 2 days off, and then increase 1 loop per cycle until you feel like you're getting solid results that can override the fear responses and the self sabotage.  Congrats on facing your fears.  If your experience with OFv3 is anything like mine, you're going to come to really love what it does for you.  I deeply miss it, and there are parts of me that really want to switch back.

Ok sounds good. I did my second night last night so i'll just take 2 nights off now and then do it like that. Not sure if I should then add the second loop after 2 nights off, I guess i'll see how I feel.

I can say though that i've already been having desires to listen more. This morning I had this strong craving like "I really want to listen tonight, instead of a night off" but now i'm feeling depressed and like I don't want to listen tonight and take the normal night off. That may partly be due to not eating as much today because i'm doing a liver flush tonight.

Plus my head feels constricted which come up last night after listening and has been coming and going. I'll report the stuff from last night and today in another post.

3 on, 2 off. And whenever you gwt that urge for more, do it immediately. Otherwise you end up with resistance trying to sabotage you.

This is literally a HUGE problem for me, lmao.

On one side, I hear your post about you telling someone they need rest days, especially if they're going so far outside the norm in loops listened to.

On the other side, I hear your post about listening to the autoconfig, even on off days.

Because for me, I get huge urges to listen everyday, I go days where I do like 10 loops of hybrid headphones flac. And do ultrasonic phone speakers for sleeping. I often get insatiable urges, I've rarely ever taken a day off for weeks now. So much so, that I wonder if it's even a resistance tactic. To perhaps overwhelm the mind and drown it in loops so it can't fully process them maybe.

Even now, on a "day off", I'm getting urges to listen again and it's only like 3AM, lol. I do gets bouts of exhaustion doing this, but it's intermittent it's not like a giant level of exhaustion that means I've way overdone it or anything, if you get me. So I must be able to "handle it" it sounds like.

We don't want resistance trying to sabotage us, you're right. So I guess I should just keep pushing with it until I'm crazy exhausted. Fair enough I suppose I should consider documenting things with my own journal to assist development. This issue was close to me, so I wanted to comment.

Enjoy the run, Ben!

You're not going to have to worry about "too many loops".  The fact is, resistance by trying to overload so processing isn't possible is only going to result in a bigger queue (if it does) and when you stop, all that has to be processed.  There is no escape.

If your bouts of exhaustion are intermittent, then the exhaustion is from resistance fighting tooth and nail, and not from too much exposure.  Too much exposure, and you'll be down consistently with exhaustion until the queue is processed and the effort level goes down enough to recuperate.

[Benjamin]

Play the loops when you get the urge to play the loops.  As in, if you get the urge to play them right now, play them right now.

If you get the urge to add a day on, then play them at your normal time, but add a day on.

Listen to the parts of you executing autoconfig, and follow their directions.

Ok, the urges seem to come and go. Today i'm very unsure, i'm guessing this could be a conflict between parts of me. The stronger feeling is 'I really need a day off now' another small part is 'Err I wonder what would happen if I listened'.

For now it's likely going to be a day off.

[Benjamin]

Feeling like shit today, but alot of that can be attributed to doing a liver flush. I almost didn't do it thinking it might be too much with just starting OF but then I realized that's partly fear, because the flushes aren't exactly fun.

Can't remember dreams from last night, I didn't sleep much and I was dosed up on stuff for the flush. I do remember though that as soon as I turned OF on my mind was in a struggle between this 'sabotage' trying to get rid of things, and OF trying to stop that sabotage.

Usually I try to consciously stop this sabotage from happening and can to a certain extent, what was happening last night seemed to be this happening faster and pulling from both directions.

My body was all tensed up and this struggle went on for a while and then I noticed a relaxation go through my body and I seemed to come 'down' and relax a bit and my mind went a bit quieter.

I've been thinking alot about girls in the past. And a weird uncertainty about certain things, like I really don't want girls who smoke then the thought come up like 'Is it better than just being lonely?' or 'is this fear of smoking?' but then 'no, actually i'd rather be alone than always be around someone who will damage my health with smoking'. But my mind jumping around between all of these.

And a little uncertainty about some other things in a similar way. With other subliminals it's more obvious for me what's going on especially the first few days. With this, I don't really know.

The best I can explain my impression of it is that other programs were almost like trying to stack something on top like 'oh yeah here's some confidence' but it feels kind of weird. Where OF is possibly 'I feel kind of normal, but there's a subtle sense of less of something that may have been there before, which may uncover who I want to be'.

I can't say i've had too much happen to say this, but subtle things are giving me this impression and if this is correct then I like it.

Today I really feel like not doing much. I really just want to play some games.

Ah my old coping mechanism again.

[Benjamin]

Have struggled to get much done today.

I've been sitting here feeling depressed, trying to get some stuff done. Just letting myself breathe a bit with the feelings in my body instead of running to a coping mechanism.

Right now what I want to do the most by far is go and look at porn. I haven't much for a while and i'm struggling against that. Why fear makes me want to look at porn, I have no idea.. but this is a very familiar old coping mechanism.

Then suddenly I had this thought "Ok either I can look at porn, or I can put OF on". I put ocean surf on my mp3 player to use on headphones so i'm not exposing others using it from my computer, I know it's better to stick to 1 format at a time, but for now at night ultrasonic and if I get these urges during the day then ocean surf, as I don't have to sit in the one place if I have my mp3 player and headphones either.

I did consider hybrid but thought maybe it's too soon.

21/7/21 - 1 loop of ocean surf through the day. Volume 5.

At this point I was planning to take tonight off, but i'll see how I feel and the urge I get before I goto bed. Another observation is that it usually takes me a while after stating a subliminal to get depressed and goto my coping mechanisms like this, and usually it starts off with alot of good stuff and comes later. So again for this to come so soon with OF V3 I feel is telling to how deep it is going.

One difference is that it's not pleasant, but I still crave the input of listening more as opposed to wanting to get away from what is bringing it up like usual.

[GreekGod22]

Right now what I want to do the most by far is go and look at porn. I haven't much for a while and I'm struggling against that. Why fear makes me want to look at porn, I have no idea.. but this is a very familiar old coping mechanism.

Same happens to me. It's my go-to coping mechanism. The more I do it and fall for it, the more addictive it gets.

[Shannon]

I think porn and masturbation is used as a distraction and a way of exhausting your energy to do what is needed to accomplish the program goals.

[Benjamin]

The urge to do 3 loops last night stayed so I did so. 3 loops ultrasonic.

When listening my mind didn't seem to be in the same 'struggle' back and forth like the night before, though this annoying sabotage still was coming up. 2 nights ago I think I was thinking about one of my big traumas and how it's held me back and made me want to not go places sometimes and it seemed to be processing and getting to a realization, just for this bs to come in and stop that. This has been a consistent frustration, like even waking up at night about to have a realization then this gets rid of it which never used to happen.

Head was quite constricted again and when I woke up this morning I was finding it hard to think.

I slept pretty well more than usual. I must have slept longer in one time than in ages cos I woke up and had the biggest pee I have in ages.  

Another mental dream. I was looking for a public toilet and went in and these 2 guys had set it up like a really posh loungeroom with a big tv and were watching something in there. They didn't want me to use the toilet but I went in anyway and they attacked me, they had some kind of weapons and I was throwing chairs and tables at them which didn't do much, most of them were missing. Then the dream ended.

Feeling quite calm and relaxed this morning. Subtle but different than usual.

[Benjamin]

Slight confusion with the autoconfig but I figured it out. I logically felt like "I need a rest, this is too much and is draining me" but I had a strong feeling that was stronger than that of 'listen again tonight' so I did 3 loops last night.

More relaxed when I turn it on, not that same struggle I reported.

Had a dream where my dog wandered into an abandoned house and I was worried and went to find her and I got stuck in some weird trap where barb wire went around my neck and strangled me. I woke up feeling scared of losing my dog and also my parents. I decided to just stay with it and that should end with me being able to stay with it and it discharging eventually, but then my mind becomes aware of that and sabotages the whole thing in this usual way which seems to interrupt that process, which then made me angry. So it feels that whatever was coming up didn't complete because of that.

This morning I feel a little better than yesterday, a bit more energy. Though I still have heavy eyes and some tiredness, more than usual. For some reason I got up at like 7:30am where usually I get up at about 8:30-9am.

I kind of feel like playing games today, but here is where it's different. Usually i'd get this and feel really depressed and goto games especially on AM6 for example.. today I feel kind of calm, not depressed (though there's some sadness in the background) and feel like playing games.

But also unlike it usually being a compulsion there is also an element of "Ok I can play games, but after I get the other things I want to do done."

[Benjamin]

Struggled to focus today, was really braindead this morning.

I even tried to play games but got bored. It's interesting to note that even when I feel like shit on OF where on past programs i'd want to run away from it, I still have this desire to listen. Haven't had a night off yet and I have the urge to listen again tonight.

I was going to leave it until tonight but started feeling really depressed and the urge to listen got stronger and stronger so listening to a loop of ocean surf on my headphones now, then i'll do my 3 loops of ultrasonic when I goto bed.

I've just put it on and I already feel a little more relaxed, almost like 'this is what you needed'.

[Shannon]

Support those parts of you doing thw work, and they will make it happen.

[Benjamin]

Man, today was like opposite ends of the spectrum.

Had a meetup in the morning, met a few new people and I kind of naturally just took the lead and it was like even others volunteered me to like I had that vibe, I like it as i've never really been a 'leader' more just done my own thing even if it's unpopular.

Then in the afternoon after that I went from pumped to feeling drained, went to another meeting with friends and I was getting annoyed cos it was like on the opposite end, it felt like I was almost being completely ignored, barely acknowledged or listened to and I was like 'what the fuck' and shutting down further. In the end I just got really drained and left.

Got a bit of a headache now, strong feeling that tonight I need to take a night off so i'll do so.

[Benjamin]

This morning was feeling like maybe another night off tonight. Then through the day have been starting to feel like shit and as it got worse the urge to listen got stronger, so finally I put 1x ocean surf on.


Tried to do a few things today, play some games, watch some Sopranos which I got into again, nothing seems interesting at all. Not really drawn to anything today other than listening to OF right now. Feeling slightly better after listening about 20 minutes, like it took the edge off it.

[Benjamin]

I'm surprised how much the loops have ramped up.

Yesterday after that 1 loop of ocean surf a bit later I had this strong urge to do another loop. Then when I went to bed I did 6 loops of ultrasonic. I was expecting to wake up like a zombie, but I felt relatively good. Actually almost got up like 2 hours earlier but decided it was a bit early and went back to sleep.

I think I let fear get in the way of an opportunity as I was having conflicted thoughts either way.

At the moment it's difficult to meet women as most things aren't on at all. There's a few women in my friendship group now but i'm not attracted to any of them. Well a few days ago a woman come up to us due to something we were doing and was all happy and we invited her to a gathering we were doing the next day and she was happy about it. Everyone else left and I chatted to her a little more, she was pretty cute.

Then in the morning I felt drained and tired and it was pretty cold. I half wanted to go mainly for her, but then thought 'nah, don't go just for her, my health is more important and I need rest' and I went back to sleep and didn't go. Then I had a thought that maybe it was partly fear, like fear of rejection and not being able to flirt with her because of fear, looking like an idiot etc.

I just had this thought all of a sudden before.. 'What if part of her reason for going was also hoping I would be there, but I didn't end up going'.

Anyway sitting here, same old coping mechanisms coming up that would during past programs.. wanting to distract myself. The difference is again when this is happening the urge to listen gets stronger. So again x1 listen of Ocean Surf. I had the thought to goto hybrid but not sure if I should yet.

Frustration around girls is getting stronger, making it worse that there's no good place to meet them. Generally this would lead to me wanting to look at porn, the urge is coming up.

But no.. a loop of OF instead. Which makes for interesting sentence structure.

[Benjamin]

This is weird how everything seems so bland, but the urge to listen continues. At the same time I can't say that OF seems that 'exciting' so far as compared to like AM6 and LTU and other programs. I don't really know what's happening, nothing too obvious other than this urge to listen more that mostly hits me when I feel the worst.

The only thing that moderately sounds exciting to me is looking at porn. But i'm fighting that because inevitably that makes me feel much worse not just after but for like a week or more after, and also lowers my deservingness and creates more insecurity. But despite that how strongly the mind promotes it as 'nah come on, it's the solution, you'll feel better'.

6 loops a night for as long as I have the urge, and hyrbid through the day when I get that urge from now on.

Strong insecurities coming up. I no longer feel like going into detail about some of these things here but I note them for myself.

I identified some fears really holding me back with women, circumstances in the last few years have really takes it's toll on my confidence in that area. I opened a document and explored these fears and it started off making sense and I kept going deeper.

I've found the first half of this before, but not the second half. Of course this is completely illogical. It amounts to.

"I'm afraid to die, but i'm also afraid to live".

Yeah, what a useful, totally logical fear.