Magnus' journal

[Magnus]

Well just caught up with my ex before to exchange the last bits and pieces well it did kick off a few emotions it was no where near as much as it would have in the past. I was also very relaxed during the interaction and in fact I didnt really find her attractive physically at all.

Just to put this into context last time I saw her I had a panic attack and couldn't breath and had to leave work. She is basically as my therapist says my trigger of a lot of my fears. Fear of abandonment, not feeling good enough, codependency issues, neediness and so on. This is by no matter dealt with and I know its going to take a few runs through to get it sorted but so far progress has been made

[Magnus]

On a side note today is my first day of stage 3

[Magnus]

So a lot of stuff has come up over the last while since seeing my ex.

For one its shown me how far I've come but its also shown me how far I have left to go and also reiterated the fact that for now I want to remain single.

I've also changed my view on what being alpha really is. Its not about being a jerk but more about being comfortable with who you are. You can be compassionate with people but at the same time not let people walk all over you. Its a way of being not a way of acting like I did for so long. Its about being emotionally mature and having the courage to face your deepest fears.

For this I have been of Anti depressants for a while now as I found they masked my fears and am now trying to face those fears with strength and courage and for once in my life I actually feel like I can stare them in the face and be scared but stand strong at the same time.

Shannon a question stage 3 will that help deal with a fear of being alone and also not feeling good enough even further?

I know stage 2 was touching on that with a dream that came up last night where my ex gave me a bit of paper that said everything she wanted in a guy and everything where I didn't measure up. The thing was that I could just read the titles and nothing else. I know this was due to the very deeply held belief that I'm not good enough

[Shannon]

Shannon a question stage 3 will that help deal with a fear of being alone and also not feeling good enough even further?

Yes, most definitely.

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon

So stage 3 day 2 and the anxiety is back. Whether this is due to seeing my ex yesterday or the program I am unsure but my god I have been hit hard today. Feel the all to familiar feeling of being drawn back to my ex but one thing I've realized is alot of what drew me to her was my insecurities

[Magnus]

So yesterday when talking to my ex she mentioned how strong I seemed for the first 4 years of our relationship. The weird thing is I felt the exact opposite of strong.

Even now I feel weak that I can't see what is most probably my daughter because of my fears and insecurities that come up when seeing my ex. To tell you the truth she has become one of my main motivations to working towards becoming a emotionally healthy male. It very much saddens me that I can't see her and I know its been hard for her as well she has been crying for me at night and yesterday when I saw her she called me her best friend. I also feel guilt around the fact that I left her.

Anyway one question I was thinking about adding in mirror affirmations but wanted to check that they wouldn't conflict with the subs

Was going to add in

* I'm OK
* I'm OK being alone
* I love myself
* I love women
* Women love me

[Shannon]

Those should be fine. You might want to add in:

• I deserve to be happy.
  
• I forgive myself.
  
• I am a good man.
  

[Roy]

I can't see what is most probably my daughter

Can you explain that?It's not that clear.

[Magnus]

Thanks Shannon,

Ill add those into it. Appreciate the feedback.

Roy its a complicated story but ill try keep it short.

When I first started seeing my ex I didn't want to have a relationship for various reasons insecurities most likely one of them. So we were having sex for quite a while before she decided to go and get married but we continued to have sex while she was married. She then fell pregnant so I did the math and figured out we would have most likely slept together most nights around that time (Silly me didn't wear protection) so anyway she decided to put the child under the husbands name. So the child is born and we have this connection that I haven't had with any other kid and she looks a lot like me (Still does). I then decide I want a relationship with her and so she leaves her husband for me. This was 3 years ago I raise the kid as my own and we get along really well. Unfortunately she doesn't agree to a paternity test and in my country its next to impossible to get one as a potential father unless you are listed on the birth certificate. Come back to today I can she the child if I want but at the same time have to deal with my insecurities that my ex brings out in me after I have seen her.

Messy I know but hope it all makes sense

[Magnus]

One last question since starting stage 3 I've had a lot of anxiety but at the same time I have been crying alot. I'm not one to cry much but lately the gates have been opening 5 or 6 times daily at least. I've also found this has been a temporary release of this anxiety.

Is this quite normal? Didn't experience it much on stage 1 and 2

[Ryan]

Stage 3 and 4 are rough. I would say many different things are normal for you to experience during these stages.

Ryan

[Magnus]

Cheers Ryan

Good to know so I can just ride it through. The issue i'm having at the moment is its hard to determine whether its the sub or seeing my ex that's bringing up this anxiety (As I met up with her the same day I started stage 3). I'm going to stick with it being the sub and ride it out as I know that going through this sub will at least start at removing these insecurities

[Magnus]

So i'm trying to figure out exactly what fear comes up before and after I have seen my ex to help me with the future and ridding of all my insecurities.

The funny thing was I was completely comfortable when I was with her. Wasn't trying to do or be anything just being myself. I wasn't in my head at all and in fact was speaking a whole lot at all. I actually had zero anxiety when I was with her. When I left and for the days after that was when the anxiety kicked in. I'm still not sure what caused it but it is something I want to deal with. There's a few things I'm thinking it could possibly be

1. Fear of abandonment kicking in
2. Not feeling good enough (I'm starting to doubt this one as I would have thought that would have got me trying to brag and prove things to her)
3. Anxiety over the anxiety itself. Because of the shear amount of anxiety that appeared during and after my relationship with her its possible i'm getting anxious about that anxiety returning
4. The anxiety is only related to the subs

[Shannon]

It is normal for someone who needs to release grief or pain to want to cry. If that is your response, then allow yourself to cry. It needs to come out to heal.

It is also possible that you had an anxious response after the fact because you had too much time to think about it. It is common for that to result in a slippery slope response, which leads to anxiety.