It just so happens that last night I read a few posts in Chatterbox that mentioned the manuscript. I will have go back in there to find your posts related to the manuscript.
As for the subliminals, I actually do think that they are working, slowly. I think the dreams I can recall, some are mentioned in the journal, suggest the inner struggle. Based on past experience, letting go has always been difficult for me. The process of letting go each time lasted longer than the relationship. So, for the recently ended 9 month relationship, past experience would suggest that it would be 1 to 1.5 years before I fully moved on.
In this instance, I am dealing with the additional problem of knowing that the timing of a relationship between CC and me is not ideal. Having been friends a few years before we dated, I was fully aware of the problems in his decade long marriage and suspected a divorce would be inevitable unless some significant changes were made.
It was only a few months after publically announcing the divorce that he began to pursue me. I knew the risks, but was busy enough with grad school that I believed I would be able to manage my emotional involvement. I was wrong. While CC continued to tell me he was emotionally checked out of his marriage for years and ready to be in a relationship, his actions told another story. Eventually, this emotional rollercoaster wore me down though other fairly large stressors with respect to grad school played a role as well.
Unfortunately, over the winter I had become a woman I did not recognize. I suspect that CC saw the same and in relation to the demise of his marriage, became most uncertain about continuing a relationship with me. I am not solely taking the blame for the demise of this relationship. CC has his own huge bag of issues including a victim mentality surrounding being left, “by all of his significant others” of which I may now be included.
I decided that it would be best, for both of us (but especially for me) if we took the summer to each do what we needed. For me that meant getting a handle on grad school, feeling more confident about my creativity and the new skills I am learning, and most importantly, re-connecting with the bubbly, gregarious, happy-go-lucky rock star artist who had all but disappeared.
Other reasons driving my decision to stop the relationship this summer have to do with my belief that CC needs to spend some time dealing with his issues, re-connecting with his hopes and dreams, and healing. For most men that includes engaging in non-committed, non-monogamous, intimate relationships with various women. (Something he has already managed to do when we began having problems, but I digress) As I have never been able to manage an intimate relationship outside of a committed, monogamous relationship, attempting to do so now would only make my situation worse.
My decision to give CC his “freedom” to pursue whatever and whomever he wanted is not 100% noble. The emotional and physical intimacy and connection we shared was quite special. (At one point he confessed to not having shared this kind of connection with anyone, not even his ex-wife or ex-fiancé. I have experienced something similar to what CC and I shared only once before and with less intensity than with CC, at the very young age of 22 and have spent the last 20yrs. wondering if I would ever find it again.)
In any event, I want him to explore and “play the field” (though I imagine he may have played the field before he was married.) I’m not being noble or a martyr in this regard. In doing so it is my hope that he realizes (remembers?) the connection we shared is not easily found or replaced. Perhaps he will choose to pursue a relationship with me when the timing is better for each of us, but he could just as easily decide to try to find it again with someone else or run away from it entirely. It’s a roll of the dice, but as the saying goes ‘If you love something, set it free- if it comes back to you, it was meant to be".
As for the subliminals, I actually do think that they are working, slowly. I think the dreams I can recall, some are mentioned in the journal, suggest the inner struggle. Based on past experience, letting go has always been difficult for me. The process of letting go each time lasted longer than the relationship. So, for the recently ended 9 month relationship, past experience would suggest that it would be 1 to 1.5 years before I fully moved on.
In this instance, I am dealing with the additional problem of knowing that the timing of a relationship between CC and me is not ideal. Having been friends a few years before we dated, I was fully aware of the problems in his decade long marriage and suspected a divorce would be inevitable unless some significant changes were made.
It was only a few months after publically announcing the divorce that he began to pursue me. I knew the risks, but was busy enough with grad school that I believed I would be able to manage my emotional involvement. I was wrong. While CC continued to tell me he was emotionally checked out of his marriage for years and ready to be in a relationship, his actions told another story. Eventually, this emotional rollercoaster wore me down though other fairly large stressors with respect to grad school played a role as well.
Unfortunately, over the winter I had become a woman I did not recognize. I suspect that CC saw the same and in relation to the demise of his marriage, became most uncertain about continuing a relationship with me. I am not solely taking the blame for the demise of this relationship. CC has his own huge bag of issues including a victim mentality surrounding being left, “by all of his significant others” of which I may now be included.
I decided that it would be best, for both of us (but especially for me) if we took the summer to each do what we needed. For me that meant getting a handle on grad school, feeling more confident about my creativity and the new skills I am learning, and most importantly, re-connecting with the bubbly, gregarious, happy-go-lucky rock star artist who had all but disappeared.
Other reasons driving my decision to stop the relationship this summer have to do with my belief that CC needs to spend some time dealing with his issues, re-connecting with his hopes and dreams, and healing. For most men that includes engaging in non-committed, non-monogamous, intimate relationships with various women. (Something he has already managed to do when we began having problems, but I digress) As I have never been able to manage an intimate relationship outside of a committed, monogamous relationship, attempting to do so now would only make my situation worse.
My decision to give CC his “freedom” to pursue whatever and whomever he wanted is not 100% noble. The emotional and physical intimacy and connection we shared was quite special. (At one point he confessed to not having shared this kind of connection with anyone, not even his ex-wife or ex-fiancé. I have experienced something similar to what CC and I shared only once before and with less intensity than with CC, at the very young age of 22 and have spent the last 20yrs. wondering if I would ever find it again.)
In any event, I want him to explore and “play the field” (though I imagine he may have played the field before he was married.) I’m not being noble or a martyr in this regard. In doing so it is my hope that he realizes (remembers?) the connection we shared is not easily found or replaced. Perhaps he will choose to pursue a relationship with me when the timing is better for each of us, but he could just as easily decide to try to find it again with someone else or run away from it entirely. It’s a roll of the dice, but as the saying goes ‘If you love something, set it free- if it comes back to you, it was meant to be".
TigerLilly
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting!
I should have gone to bed 6 hours ago.
