02-03-2013, 11:45 PM
Two days ago (from Saturday to Sunday) I fell asleep with my sleep phones and with Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. I slept well for the first 3.5 hours, but then was awake for a long time. The sleep phones are very comfortable, but when I woke up, I wanted to get rid of them. I actually had the feeling it wasn't so much the sleep phones but the subliminal. I didn't want to listen to it anymore. However, I knew that I need to be persistent and I got up and plugged in my laptop and tried to loop Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear on iTunes. For some reason I didn't succeed so I listened to Write a Chapter a Day instead.
Once I got up I continued to listen to Write a Chapter a Day for a few hours while I did some work including some work on my thesis (research). I had a few good hours.
Later on I changed to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear because I had only listened to that one for about 3.5 hours during the night. I wanted to reflect on my January thesis goals and I realized it was very uncomfortable. I had achieved very little when compared to what I wanted to achieve. It wasn't that I didn't put in the time - I know I did. It wasn't that I wasn't focused - I've been pleased with my focus and routine that helps me to be productive lately. Maybe my January goals were too high, but it's not only that. There's so much resistance.
The most brutal part for me was to realize that at the beginning of January there was hope that I could hand in my thesis in March so that I could take my exams in the summer. I know now that's not possible anymore. I've drastically reduced the hours I work till October so that I can focus on my studies and I will need to work more from October on again. It will be tough to work more before having done my exams. I don't like the thought.
A lot of stuff came up yesterday. And I realized that there's also some shame involved regarding my thesis. Shame that it is still not done. I can't even remember when I first started working on my thesis. Is it 6 years or more? And it is only a master's thesis. It is all pretty ridiculous and I'm embarrassed. All that stuff came up while my computer was looping Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear and I was aware of that. I was wondering whether it was the subliminal that caused me all those uncomfortable feelings I had to go through yesterday. And I realized it was good that I purchased Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear and not just OF.
Last night I didn't want to use my sleep phones. I didn't want to listen to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. The idea of looping it on my laptop seemed less painful and so I did that. After a few hours of sleep I woke up and I was aware of my laptop next to my bed playing Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. I didn't like that. I wanted to stop it. It seemed like I felt the power of the subliminal (or my resistance?) and I wanted to be free.
I didn't stop it. I didn't sleep much and I didn't sleep well. It's difficult to say whether my sleep (or the lack of it) had anything to do with the subliminal because I have these nights without listening to subliminals, too. However, I was aware of the presence of the subliminal and it made me feel uncomfortable.
I guess change is uncomfortable and I hope it's all worth it. Right now I have negative feelings when thinking of listening to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. Maybe those negative feelings are resistance. I hope I'll continue to listen to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. Right now I don't know. I'll for sure listen to it again tonight and then I'll see. I do want to listen to it for at least 32 days and possibly longer. Whether I will do that - I don't know at this point.
I'm also wondering whether all this means that I do respond to subliminals. That would be a good sign. There are so many programs I want to try out down the road. At this point it all could be placebo. And at this point, what I'm going through is rather uncomfortable.
Once I got up I continued to listen to Write a Chapter a Day for a few hours while I did some work including some work on my thesis (research). I had a few good hours.
Later on I changed to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear because I had only listened to that one for about 3.5 hours during the night. I wanted to reflect on my January thesis goals and I realized it was very uncomfortable. I had achieved very little when compared to what I wanted to achieve. It wasn't that I didn't put in the time - I know I did. It wasn't that I wasn't focused - I've been pleased with my focus and routine that helps me to be productive lately. Maybe my January goals were too high, but it's not only that. There's so much resistance.
The most brutal part for me was to realize that at the beginning of January there was hope that I could hand in my thesis in March so that I could take my exams in the summer. I know now that's not possible anymore. I've drastically reduced the hours I work till October so that I can focus on my studies and I will need to work more from October on again. It will be tough to work more before having done my exams. I don't like the thought.
A lot of stuff came up yesterday. And I realized that there's also some shame involved regarding my thesis. Shame that it is still not done. I can't even remember when I first started working on my thesis. Is it 6 years or more? And it is only a master's thesis. It is all pretty ridiculous and I'm embarrassed. All that stuff came up while my computer was looping Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear and I was aware of that. I was wondering whether it was the subliminal that caused me all those uncomfortable feelings I had to go through yesterday. And I realized it was good that I purchased Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear and not just OF.
Last night I didn't want to use my sleep phones. I didn't want to listen to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. The idea of looping it on my laptop seemed less painful and so I did that. After a few hours of sleep I woke up and I was aware of my laptop next to my bed playing Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. I didn't like that. I wanted to stop it. It seemed like I felt the power of the subliminal (or my resistance?) and I wanted to be free.
I didn't stop it. I didn't sleep much and I didn't sleep well. It's difficult to say whether my sleep (or the lack of it) had anything to do with the subliminal because I have these nights without listening to subliminals, too. However, I was aware of the presence of the subliminal and it made me feel uncomfortable.
I guess change is uncomfortable and I hope it's all worth it. Right now I have negative feelings when thinking of listening to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. Maybe those negative feelings are resistance. I hope I'll continue to listen to Overcoming Guilt, Shame and Fear. Right now I don't know. I'll for sure listen to it again tonight and then I'll see. I do want to listen to it for at least 32 days and possibly longer. Whether I will do that - I don't know at this point.
I'm also wondering whether all this means that I do respond to subliminals. That would be a good sign. There are so many programs I want to try out down the road. At this point it all could be placebo. And at this point, what I'm going through is rather uncomfortable.
