LTU: Moving forward

[Shannon]

Growth is change, Mat. A tree grows from an acorn into a mighty oak, and changes during that process, all the while being an oak tree.

[mat422]

Growth is change, Mat.  A tree grows from an acorn into a mighty oak, and changes during that process, all the while being an oak tree.

I guess I'm still afraid of change in general. Change always makes me think of loss. It seems like I have a tendency to get stuck on the past and have a reluctance to embrace the future. That's the only explanation for why I even wrote a post about comparing change vs growth. The word alone seems to invite unwanted feelings.

[Shannon]

Growth is change, Mat.  A tree grows from an acorn into a mighty oak, and changes during that process, all the while being an oak tree.

I guess I'm still afraid of change in general. Change always makes me think of loss. It seems like I have a tendency to get stuck on the past and have a reluctance to embrace the future. That's the only explanation for why I even wrote a post about comparing change vs growth. The word alone seems to invite unwanted feelings.

Is it not true that there is always a positive and a negative pole for everything?  It therefore follows that there is change and growth that leads in a positive direction, change and growth that leads in a negative direction, and change and growth that leads to a neutral outcome.

All you have to do is choose the right outcome, and go do what it takes to achieve that.

Associating all growth and change with a negative (loss, fear, etc.) is only revealing a deeper level of why you have been stuck all this time.  It isn't true that all change and growth is going to lead to a negative.  It is also false that change leads to loss, when your belief that it does is based in fear.  Likely fear of the unknown, because you have been so bent on seeking security in familiarity to keep yourself "safe" all this time.  There is security in change as well, when that change is positive.  Just choose a positive outcome and go get it!

I know that it seems difficult now, but I assure you, this is major growth being precipitated by ever deepening peeling away of the layers by LTU5.  Keep going.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah you've been doing great so far Mat. Keep it up!

[mat422]

Thanks guys. Shannon, it makes sense when you put it like that. I'm doing my best to keep moving forward. I guess I've just had a lot of bad association with change in the past. Some of it probably stemming from childhood. It's not as easy to reach those parts for me.My more surface layer consciousness understands it's not the truth. But deeper down it feels like this expectancy or guaranteed thing. If I had something solid or an experience I could show it, I feel like that would permanently shake this. It's a long pattern of fear, that's for certain. I guess looking at it now I'm seeing how the fear I've carried all my life over the future has diminished. I used to be unable to make it a day without having thoughts that something terrible was going to happen to me.

[Shannon]

I think with continued use, you will make it to where you want to be. It's just a matter of time at this point.

[mat422]

Can't tell if I overdid on the as needed loops or if I'm being pushed in the right direction. Basically I have another business trip coming up and I'm anxious as hell. So I tried using LTU for that 2 days ago. But I did one full loop at work. Then I thought maybe another one would be good.  The first one balanced me, but the second one brought on that tense overly stimulated feeling. Yesterday I was dead tired. To the point where I had trouble working without being filled with this intense anxiety. Trying to prepare for the show I have to go to and I'm waiting on everyone else to give me info, meanwhile I still have to man a help desk when shits breaking. I'm just spent. Everytime these shows come up I tell myself I won't get anxious but I do. Too much traveling, too much driving, too much dealing with extroverts when I can't leave, and too much frenetic energy from people that panic instead of keeping a calm head and just project all their shit on everyone else.

Just needed to get that out. Hopefully LTU will help me be more resilient to all the bs I'm about to be subjected to.

[mat422]

Holy hell nothing went right this week. I was trying to get prepared for this trip so I wasn't dealing with anxiety with last minute bs. First my boss says he's bailing on the trip so he was my ride to the airport and now I have to reserve a car service, but they haven't gotten back to me. I leave sat morning. I got a whole bunch of last minute items I have to print tags for. I had an import I had to do but the server I'm working on mysteriously shit the bed. And I couldn't get on it until 10pm because someone was rebooting it to fix the issue that it didn't even solve. So here I am at 11 at night, stayed up for nothing, stressed, posting on this forum because it's my only outlet.

I feel like I'm going to snap.

[Shannon]

Have you tried running LTU5 when you get to feeling like that?

[mat422]

I'm going to try it today. I was on my two day break so I held off. It probably would have helped yesterday. Is it ok to listen even if I'm on my rest day?

[Shannon]

Let's see how it works for you. I have found that my GF benefits from using it as needed, although I suspect that it would need a month or two to work on a person before that would be a good idea.

[mat422]

Thanks. Just had my lunch break, I popped it on and basically meditated in the car. It definitely brought me back to being stable. Prior to that I was an anxious mess because I found out all the stuff I printed was wrong and I'm leaving tomorrow. I was on the verge of having a panic attack, but LTU centered me. I was listening for about 20 minutes. Now I'm going to tackle the problems I was facing and hopefully get things situated.

[mat422]

At home now and was trying to unwind with some TV. It didn't work. I think the worst part about anxiety is how it ruins everything else. So I put on LTU because I felt like I was in an anxious loop and couldn't relax. So far it's like the fear is being squeezed out of me while listening. Like all the crap that's been on my mind is being let go of. It definitely helps in the moment. When I'm in the grips of anxiety trying to use logic doesn't work for me. No matter how much I assure myself what I'm afraid of isn't a big deal or how I should stop worrying, it doesnt do anything. I'm not gonna lie when I get like that its really painful. For two reasons. One, I feel I can't handle this stuff like everyone else and my threshold for what I can tolerate is low. Two, the ongoing fear is just psychologically torturing to me. I can't do anything, it just feels like I'm paralyzed.

I think just deep down I still have a very strong fear of people's perception of me or I'm sensitive to rejection or something. No matter how much I tell myself it doesn't matter, it does. And when I've got a lot of triggers hitting me at once with regards to anxiety its hard to keep myself under control.

But ltu does help a lot. Oddly enough when I get like this and put it on I feel like I need to cry. There's an emotional release there I can't access without it. Without ltu it feels like I have a bunch of stuck energy in my body that cycles around and makes me feel overly wired or on edge.

[Have at ye]

According to a certain psychoanalytic bullshitter/genius (opinions are highly divisive ), the unconscious issue of how one is being perceived from the outside (by the Other, as an object) is an inherent and immanent issue which arises in the infantile stage (infantile, as in, literally - pre-speech) when one begins to notice that one exists not just subjectively, but is also being perceived. (There's tons of other implications and intricacies of this on which I'll skip).

Whenever something gets borked up during that stage of unconscious development, there arises this particular issue of the subjective perception becoming that of being weak/helpless in comparison to the Other, which appears to be all-powerful and, when bad stuff happens, mean and cruel. This, later on, results in the discrepancy between one's subjective perception of one's actual power (which at some level is being subjectively perceived as that of an infant, so pretty much powerless) and one's actual power as a fully grown organism (which is as powerful, or may be even more so, than the Other) - then one becomes kinda stuck in comparing themselves to the Other and/or pleasing the Other to avoid harm, in a way (I'll skip on some further intricacies).

The solution is trying to find a way to subjectively acknowledge that one now has as much, or even more, power than the Other. The subjectivity needs to be first experienced, though - hence the need for release, I think.