LTU: Moving forward

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Bumped up the volume on my speakers last night. I feel better today, so maybe I wasn't getting the volume right for my level of resistance. I've noticed the more convoluted my reasoning gets for resisting the more likely it is that it's a convenient excuse. I need to keep pushing on and ignore these distractions. My mind likes to make excuses why change is so far off or presents these lllusions that I haven't progressed. When I latch onto them it feeds the doubt which distracts me from moving forward.

These urges feel like an itch in my brain at times. A compulsion to stop what I'm doing. The more I move towards what I want, the more I feel as if I need to stop and "think" vs do. I can't describe it all that well.

Well at least you're progressing to that point. I'm sure you'll overcome the resistance! Keep on moving forward! I have faith in you

[mat422]

I feel like I'm going through a transitioning point. I was always super self conscious, concerned about fitting in, trying to fit in, trying too hard to just live my life. But no matter how hard I tried it never worked and it never felt right either. On my drive home I basically thought to myself I'm tired of these "rules" that I was forced to obey. The expectations of how you're supposed to behave, do, think, act, etc. I say it's a transitioning point because I'm not quite there yet in the idgaf attitude. The sentiment is there, but not my actions or subconscious reactions. So this in between part has me oscillating between the extremes. Not quite being fulling independent from that control, but not exactly fitting in either.

But I feel a stronger sense of identity in myself as a conscious being. And understanding what life really is and how important it is not to stifle my own soul. I used to think I failed somehow. But I see now I just wasn't supported, I wasn't understood, my very nature is foreign to most people.

There's a strong feeling of wanting to leave this current reality behind. But at the same time the fear of the unknown stops me. I feel like I can sense it, almost touch it. But I can't get "into" it. I no longer see it as impossible, but it's just a matter of embracing it and allowing it.

[mat422]

So I've been reading more into reality manifesting, like Neville Goddard and all of them. I've been trying hard to improve my life, but it hit me yesterday that I was doing it out of insecurity. Nothing was ever good enough, I felt like I had to be this pillar of success, that I had to transcend all my demons and be this super being. Even with LTU, there's always been this subtle pressure from myself to make it work.

So all that being said, I'm never going to find happiness if I can't consider myself worthy of what I want. It's not that I haven't been trying hard enough, visualizing everything, etc. It's the simple fact one side of me wants these things and another part thinks I'm not good enough to have them. So long as that part of me still believes I don't deserve better things, I'll constantly be rejecting a better life. So I'm going to be focusing on raising my self worth more and beginning to accept I deserve good things in life instead of constant struggle.

That means not working in jobs that stifle me, not beating myself up over my music, not rejecting friendships because I think people will dislike me, not going after goals as a way to prove my worth. I've realized a lot of how things played out in my life was due to a deep internalized dislike of myself and very low self worth.

Obviously this realization alone isn't going to change things. I have to actively affirm how I want to treat myself and make it a habit to reject the negative and enforce the positive.

[mat422]

Hmmmm this subconscious fear is very deep. I didn't realize how deep. Just realized for the past few weeks I've had a low hum of anxiety and this internal sense of panic. Consequently all my decisions have been bad. Making decisions on life in the grips of fear is terrible. My perspective on life is completely biased. I didn't screw anything up badly. Just more so avoiding what needs to be done to move forward and be happy.

I think I've touched on this before but it's ironic that my response to relaxation and calm is fear. Almost as if I let my guard down something will blindside me and kick my ass. My life has followed a pattern of calm and then eruption, stability and instability, feeling good then feeling bad. So I'm really working on calming myself so I can accept LTU. I've found when I'm in the grips of panic or fear I immediately reject LTU because I need to escape and get somewhere "safe".

The more LTU starts to influence me, the more fear it triggers. If I don't control this fear I'm just going to end up spinning in circles.

[Shannon]

What I see happening is that you are coming closer and closer to the goals of FRM and LTU, and as you do, that part of you that is fearful is trying harder and harder to escape. The question is, is LTU5 tuned high enough in the power department, and is FRM 4.5 good enough, to achieve the break point, where you face your fear and realize how ridiculous and silly it was all along?

I'd say that as you get closer and closer to facing that fear your fearful self is going to try to escape and derail more and more, and that is a sign that the program is working.

So even if it rejects (or tries to reject) LTU5, keep going.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I've been sticking with 5 loops 4 days on two days off routine for a bit now. Do you think it's time I should experiment or keep this? Stopping was never in the plan so I'm not worried about that. But as that part fights back more and more it gets difficult to just enjoy life. I saw your recent post about experimenting with LTU on an as needed basis in addition to the loops. I might try that. I'm actually going on another business trip soon and it's particularly stressful to me. I'll have to see how the extra listening time works out. Might help during my flight as well.

I am seeing progress and my whole mentality on how to live my life has shifted dramatically. I don't feel tethered to those limiting beliefs. But if I can do anything to accelerate the process I'll do it.

[Shannon]

If you believe you would benefit from using it "as needed", then do that. Last night I did an experiment where I played LTU5 all night long on loop. This morning I left it running. GF was up after me, but she was up and dressed and ready to go before I ever saw her. She walked into my office and asked me when I wanted to go eat. Usually she'll wander in nude and give me my morning greeting and hug. Then on the way to breakfast she started telling me, enthusiastically, about her plans for a restaurant one day, where she will have X and Y and Z and do A and B and C differently and how awesome it will be and how it will be so successful that people will travel from near and far to eat there. There wasn't a hint of negativity, it was all positivity, passion, happiness.

So I think what we have is a situation where LTU5 is doing too much at once in the beginning for you to reasonably handle more than 5 loops per day, but as it gets past certain milestones, you can handle and benefit from more than 5 loops per day.

So if you think it would help, go for it.

[mat422]

I'll definitely be trying it, thanks for the input. Was the all night loop a one time thing? Or are you going to continue with it? Ideally I'd like as much exposure as possible within my own limits, seems kind of difficult to gauge. Definitely still unknown territory as far as exposure goes for me.

[Shannon]

I have found that too much exposure causes exhaustion, since USLM is pushing you to be successful and that requires a lot of energy, focus and effort. But you'll be able to find that point for yourself.

[mat422]

Thanks, I hope so. I seem to constantly oscillate between pushing myself way too hard and detaching completely. It's been getting better since being on LTU so I should be able to know my limits now. That's why I stuck with the 5 loops, it was guaranteed I couldn't screw that up. But it's definitely felt like lately I need a little more to counteract that resistant side of me.

[mat422]

Was having a rough day today. This business trip coming up reminded me I'm constantly being subjected to stuff in my life I'm tried of. So I popped on LTU. Something about being conscious while listening must have made me more aware of how I respond to negative thoughts and anger. I've realized I try to stop them, but really I just bury them and they still play in the background. I realized I have to let these things flow because they are me, but control how I react to them and how they influence me. Not controlling the emotion, that's a futile thing. That's been my mistake for years, thinking I have to feel a certain way or avoid certain feelings.

So I'm feeling intense anger. I'm trying to think positive but at the same time another part of me is shouting that it doesn't care. The money doesn't matter, the job doesn't matter, all that matters is time and experience and I'm losing those going down this route. It's pissed at society, the conditioning causing people to engage in the rat race of life, and people taking advantage of me. That last one. I consider myself a responsible person. Meaning I keep my anger under control and don't explode on people. But i know one of these days someones gonna push me the wrong way and I'm going to let them have it. And you know what? I'm done feeling guilty about it. Moving forward if people want to disrespect me I don't care about being a "good" person. I'm done. For the time being all this anger is leaking to the surface. I sure as hell won't push it back down, I'm going to process it and I imagine it will be a little shaky at first given the fact I've gone close to 10 years not addressing this.

[DavisMind91]

Was having a rough day today. This business trip coming up reminded me I'm constantly being subjected to stuff in my life I'm tried of. So I popped on LTU. Something about being conscious while listening must have made me more aware of how I respond to negative thoughts and anger. I've realized I try to stop them, but really I just bury them and they still play in the background. I realized I have to let these things flow because they are me, but control how I react to them and how they influence me. Not controlling the emotion, that's a futile thing. That's been my mistake for years, thinking I have to feel a certain way or avoid certain feelings.

So I'm feeling intense anger. I'm trying to think positive but at the same time another part of me is shouting that it doesn't care. The money doesn't matter, the job doesn't matter, all that matters is time and experience and I'm losing those going down this route. It's pissed at society, the conditioning causing people to engage in the rat race of life, and people taking advantage of me. That last one. I consider myself a responsible person. Meaning I keep my anger under control and don't explode on people. But i know one of these days someones gonna push me the wrong way and I'm going to let them have it. And you know what? I'm done feeling guilty about it. Moving forward if people want to disrespect me I don't care about being a "good" person. I'm done. For the time being all this anger is leaking to the surface. I sure as hell won't push it back down, I'm going to process it and I imagine it will be a little shaky at first given the fact I've gone close to 10 years not addressing this.

Good for you. Your post falls in line with what I’ve been reading on a concept in psychology known as shadow self integration, or something like that, where one seeks to learn to work with their negative emotions and identity instead of suppressing their “darker” half, so they can ultimately become a “whole” person as opposed to a perfect one.

[mat422]

Was having a rough day today. This business trip coming up reminded me I'm constantly being subjected to stuff in my life I'm tried of. So I popped on LTU. Something about being conscious while listening must have made me more aware of how I respond to negative thoughts and anger. I've realized I try to stop them, but really I just bury them and they still play in the background. I realized I have to let these things flow because they are me, but control how I react to them and how they influence me. Not controlling the emotion, that's a futile thing. That's been my mistake for years, thinking I have to feel a certain way or avoid certain feelings.

So I'm feeling intense anger. I'm trying to think positive but at the same time another part of me is shouting that it doesn't care. The money doesn't matter, the job doesn't matter, all that matters is time and experience and I'm losing those going down this route. It's pissed at society, the conditioning causing people to engage in the rat race of life, and people taking advantage of me. That last one. I consider myself a responsible person. Meaning I keep my anger under control and don't explode on people. But i know one of these days someones gonna push me the wrong way and I'm going to let them have it. And you know what? I'm done feeling guilty about it. Moving forward if people want to disrespect me I don't care about being a "good" person. I'm done. For the time being all this anger is leaking to the surface. I sure as hell won't push it back down, I'm going to process it and I imagine it will be a little shaky at first given the fact I've gone close to 10 years not addressing this.

Good for you. Your post falls in line with what I’ve been reading on a concept in psychology known as shadow self integration, or something like that, where one seeks to learn to work with their negative emotions and identity instead of suppressing their “darker” half, so they can ultimately become a “whole” person as opposed to a perfect one.

Yup, that's definitely what I've been going through. I read about shadow self theory a while back, but all the theory in the world doesn't compare to actual application of it. Despite how much I read there was still always an aversion to accepting that part, the complete opposite of what I should have been doing with the shadow work. The irony is those that need to become whole the most rarely do because they are so fragmented. I found while studying the shadow stuff I got obsessed with doing it "right" which defeats the purpose of accepting those parts of yourself that are often shamed or suppressed. Definitely tricky.

---

Pondering for the day. Can something as simple as a haircut be linked to the past and cause you to act out in past behavior? Weird but today I chopped off most of my hair, it was getting long and I was considering doing something with it. But two things stopped me. One, my hair is thinning pretty bad and the longer hair made it look worse. And two it felt like I was trying to hold onto some past version of myself by holding onto this longer hair. As ridiculous as it sounds. It kind of feels like shedding. I was in this mental state for a while of the older me, the kind of lost anxious, childish version. I think if I'm honest it's been hard facing the reality that I'm 28 now. I know that's not super old to a lot of people, but when I consider how much of my youth slipped through my fingers it's kind of like grieving.

I have no idea if it's possible if past AM programming is still in my head and now the blocks are being removed and I'm executing those instructions. Or maybe DMSI. But it feels like there's a push to be more masculine. Although I shouldn't say a push, more like an innate desire. And that desire kept being stalled because a part of me wanted to go back to being a kid or teenager. To escape responsibility and run from these things I fear.

Or it could be all BS and I'm just imagining it. But my mindset has shifted from "the subliminal is pushing me towards this" to "a part of me that wants this is pushing for this and another part is resisting". That distinction is important because it means it's my choice, I'm not being forced into this stuff. I'm not killing myself, who I am, not changing for the sake of guilt or shame around who I am. As ridiculous as it sounds, but I think that's been my perception of change with these subliminals for a while now. I'm somehow being inauthentic or denying my true self. The fallacy of the "true self". Maybe I'm even afraid of losing my identity or concept of who I am, who I've been in the past, who's loved me as that person.

[mat422]

I think an important distinction needs to be made between growing vs changing. Growing is when you accept all parts of yourself and improve upon it. Changing is when you fundamentally try to become someone else. Kind of swung a little too far in that direction yesterday. Trying to drastically rewrite who I am because I've been sick of myself a bit. But that isn't right. There's always going to be "me". To deny that part and try to be someone else is only going to cause me pain. But the important thing I'm learning is being ok with myself. If I can do that fully, nothing else matters. It's not an excuse to slack off and to stop trying new things and growing. But it is a reminder that I'm not changing for other people. Whether that be for approval or out of some sense of shame.