LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

So I'm just gonna unload some thoughts here. I recently turned 28 and despite telling myself I wouldn't let it bother me it kind of did. I'm 28, still living with my dad, not fully on my own. But I've got a full time job and that's what really kills me. Yeah I could move out, get a second job to cover the ridiculous rent prices here, but really that's just dumb. I'm not going to stress myself out and take away even less of my time for my music just for the sake of feeling more independent.

I know life isn't a race and things are different now, but man I wish I was more together at this age. I wish things were easier. Today at work I was looking at this whole career path and the additional knowledge and skills I'd have to learn. I just thought to myself "I really don't want to do that". Just a strong moment of clarity.

[ResJudicata]

So I'm just gonna unload some thoughts here. I recently turned 28 and despite telling myself I wouldn't let it bother me it kind of did. I'm 28, still living with my dad, not fully on my own. But I've got a full time job and that's what really kills me. Yeah I could move out, get a second job to cover the ridiculous rent prices here, but really that's just dumb. I'm not going to stress myself out and take away even less of my time for my music just for the sake of feeling more independent.

I know life isn't a race and things are different now, but man I wish I was more together at this age. I wish things were easier. Today at work I was looking at this whole career path and the additional knowledge and skills I'd have to learn. I just thought to myself "I really don't want to do that". Just a strong moment of clarity.

This sounds like someone going through a lot of the same issues that I feel like I’m going through. Thanks for sharing and I hope you get what you’re looking for on this journey.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Yeah I'm 29 and still living at home. I have a plan to move put though, but it'll take a while. Years even. So I know how you feel. Maybe USLM can help you find a way to move out?

[findingme]

Me putting things together from dialogue with Shannon:

LTU's doing this in you Mat. Self reliance is in the original LTU script, and he included it in our 5.5G version. It's working in you

I foresee you making changes in your thinking to move when and where you wish to be. Thanks for posting this; uncomfortableness seems to be the foundation for us making ANY moves in our lives.

[mat422]

@ResJudicata Thanks. You as well.

@EvolvingPhoenix I don't think USLM would be of any help. I'm in this situation because of a complex spiderweb of issues that led me to decisions that resulted in where I am now. LTU is definitely the answer, it's just a matter of getting in alignment with the goals instead of running from them.


@findingme This is good to hear. I guess I'm just battling with what it's pushing me to do.

---

I think I'm making progress with LTU. I had a moment today where I realized my emotional turbulence was not in fact healing or letting go of things, but rather an internal focus that kept me stuck. Those emotions are a reaction to a deeper set of beliefs held within my subconscious mind. For example, when I think of work I automatically feel stress and anxiety because I've now conditioned myself to expect something to go wrong or to be criticized. But that's just a pattern I'm executing within my mind, not the truth of what happens there.

The same goes for the music. I've dealt with a lot of frustration and perceived failure with that. So now every time I create my mind has a tendency to playback the pattern of sucking at it and hating my own work.

And change. When I think of improving with subliminals or fundamentally changing my life I immediately play out the pattern of all the emotional turbulence and pain I felt in the past trying to grow. The feelings of hopelessness, the fighting for control, the exhaustion, etc.

Bad programming so to speak. But what I've really realized is how the frustrations in my life are my own creations. I'm reacting to the events created by my subconscious after the fact I execute that bad programming. Then attempting to rectify those vs hitting the root and stopping this stuff at the source.

The biggest one that I've dealt with is self worth. Doing everything in my power to "fix" myself. Everything done through the filter of being broken or incapable somehow, but I'll try anyway. The thing is, the trying was always doomed to fail. Basically because I aligned the circumstances to fail in the first place. In that respect I've actually been really successful at my goal of being totally incapable of everything. To have that amount of sheer focus and belief and have things always self destruct on yourself, it pretty much highlights how influential we are in our own lives.

Ultimately this is all choice, whether I accept I have control or don't, either one is a choice. So it makes more sense to tell myself I do have control. And if it is a choice that means the emotional pains of the past are just echoes of deeply internalized beliefs that can simply be let go of and replaced. No chasing down cathartic breakthroughs, emotionally hurtful past events, digging through old trauma, etc. Those are the byproduct, not the cause of the pain.

In a way I've constructed my own labyrinth. I've always been searching for happiness, answers, some kind of deep profound breakthrough that would set me free within that labyrinth. But it was never constructed in a way to give that to me. That was always the trap, an extremely myopic view with patterns and behaviors that would always lead to the same result regardless of what I did. Finding the answers in there was a lost cause, what I really needed to do was remove myself from it.

[Shannon]

LIKE!

Standing ovation! Bravo! Encore! This is some of the most profound success I have ever seen in someone trying to help themselves overcome their challenges. THIS is what makes my job worth while, when you guys take the tools I make and use them to succeed in making your lives better and overcoming your challenges.

Now that you understand this, don't be complacent. KEEP GOING!!!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Wow! That's a big compliment from the master himself! Shows just how well you're progressing. Keep up the good work, Mat!

Also, this just might be your "profound breakthrough" you've been searching for.

[mat422]

@Shannon Wow that means a lot thanks. After I came to these realizations its like I suddenly dug even deeper. I'm exhausted today, but it feels like I've finally bypassed that block that made me feel I couldn't move forward. I've been very inwardly focused all day today and it feels like things are getting released at an accelerated rate. I'm not hitting that fear wall. I'm not as outwardly productive, but it feels as if there's some major restructuring going on inside my head.

@EvolvingPhoenix Indeed, thanks. This very well could be the breakthrough I've been searching for my whole life. The freedom to choose vs the illusion of no control.

[Infinite]

edited

[mat422]

@Infinite Thanks!

---

What I said earlier about not needing to dig deeper into emotional stuff. It's partly true. It was a really good breakthrough I had, but afterwards when stuff really started flowing to the surface and got uncomfortable I resorted to some avoidance tactics. But these were more like fighting to stay positive and not give in to the "negative" emotions. What I realized is that label "negative" is completely wrong. These are emotions coming from a part of myself that need to be acknowledged, not pushed away. I can acknowledge them, then let it go. But letting go is a process, one that I shouldn't assume to know how it works because I get too much in my head. It's funny because for most of my life I thought I let stuff go, but really it was a sort of denial or shunning of how I felt and burying it.

Basically I feel as if there's a separation between the raw emotion vs the stories attached to it now. It was those stories I'd obsess on that kept me trapped in a cycle of never truly moving on.

Aside from that I decided to treat myself to something recently because I hardly ever do. Got myself a groove box called the Novation Circuit.

It came today and I had another rough day at work. Initially I felt kind of depressed today and wasn't going to mess around with it. But I got home and just played around with it anyway. It's more limited than my DAW, but it's so hands on and there's no pressure to create anything amazing. I basically bought it so I could switch to a different creative process when I'm too overwhelmed with my DAW. I can just chill outside with this thing and just vibe out to some beats with it. I can export whatever I make too, so if I've got a good idea that I want to flesh out more I can bring it into the DAW.

I've also been trying really hard to not compare myself to the artists I look up to and remember why I create music in the first place. I definitely still have that habit of fear of being good enough that makes me worry about the small stuff in my tracks that aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I'm slowly breaking that habit. It's very conditioned in me because literally every time I've sat at my computer to work on music, the past 4 years, it's just been nonstop anxiety. I'm working on switching that to fun and relaxation because that's what it should be. Part of the reason I got the Circuit, I knew the whole workflow of it would prevent me from getting into that "needs to be perfect" headspace.

It all goes back to choice again. I may not be able to switch it around overnight, but as long as I understand it's my doing I can be more aware and persistent with reinforcing what I do want.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

@Infinite Thanks!

---

What I said earlier about not needing to dig deeper into emotional stuff. It's partly true. It was a really good breakthrough I had, but afterwards when stuff really started flowing to the surface and got uncomfortable I resorted to some avoidance tactics. But these were more like fighting to stay positive and not give in to the "negative" emotions. What I realized is that label "negative" is completely wrong. These are emotions coming from a part of myself that need to be acknowledged, not pushed away. I can acknowledge them, then let it go. But letting go is a process, one that I shouldn't assume to know how it works because I get too much in my head. It's funny because for most of my life I thought I let stuff go, but really it was a sort of denial or shunning of how I felt and burying it.

Basically I feel as if there's a separation between the raw emotion vs the stories attached to it now. It was those stories I'd obsess on that kept me trapped in a cycle of never truly moving on.

Aside from that I decided to treat myself to something recently because I hardly ever do. Got myself a groove box called the Novation Circuit.

It came today and I had another rough day at work. Initially I felt kind of depressed today and wasn't going to mess around with it. But I got home and just played around with it anyway. It's more limited than my DAW, but it's so hands on and there's no pressure to create anything amazing. I basically bought it so I could switch to a different creative process when I'm too overwhelmed with my DAW. I can just chill outside with this thing and just vibe out to some beats with it. I can export whatever I make too, so if I've got a good idea that I want to flesh out more I can bring it into the DAW.

I've also been trying really hard to not compare myself to the artists I look up to and remember why I create music in the first place. I definitely still have that habit of fear of being good enough that makes me worry about the small stuff in my tracks that aren't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. But I'm slowly breaking that habit. It's very conditioned in me because literally every time I've sat at my computer to work on music, the past 4 years, it's just been nonstop anxiety. I'm working on switching that to fun and relaxation because that's what it should be. Part of the reason I got the Circuit, I knew the whole workflow of it would prevent me from getting into that "needs to be perfect" headspace.

It all goes back to choice again. I may not be able to switch it around overnight, but as long as I understand it's my doing I can be more aware and persistent with reinforcing what I do want.

I'm glad you're finding ways to enjoy the creative process. I get wanting to process emotions without identifying with them, and that's a very difficult thing to do. I'm still trying  to do that myself. But judging by the progress you've already made so far, I'm sure you'll make it past this hurdle. You're doing really well Mat! I'm glad for you

[mat422]

Something got knocked loose last night. The thought that stuck in my mind was "who are you being happy for?" And "who are you doing this self improvement for?". I realized a lot of my motivation was born out of guilt and shame. A result of that is that I found myself stressed about being happy or confident or whatever else LTU was doing.

The best way I can describe it was last night that wall was torn down. The one that's overly concerned about being perceived as depressed, insecure, or struggling with life in general. I realized there's still a lot of unresolved stuff that was hidden behind this need to not be any of those things that was really preventing me from letting go.

For a lot of my life there's been a sort of tense agitated state. Where it felt like I was trying too damn hard just to go about regular life. I'm starting to see now this was me consciously suppressing those deeper subconscious beliefs in an effort to appease the people around me. And along with that really just repressing myself because I was always different enough to stick out.

So long story short. I'm dealing with this stuff as it comes. I don't feel pressure to be positive for positives sake. I do feel worn out and beat down. Last night I just had this feeling of wanting to rip away everything and be my true self around everyone. The struggles I've been through, the challenges I still face, in general I'm tired of putting on this long elaborate act.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Sounds like you're making good progress. Keep it up man, you're doing great!

[mat422]

Thanks man.

More and more I'm disconnecting to this lifeline. I went out to a few bars with my brother and friends and we began chatting life. The short of it is, I feel like a hamster on a wheel. I'm under no dellusion that my job makes a difference and yet the mini micro cosm of that company would have you believe its life or death with everything. And I hate that. I don't want to be part of it, I don't care about the goals of this company, I don't care about the motivations that drive people in this company. I don't fit here and I thought I was doing something wrong, but it's not me.

But honestly isn't that most jobs? Is it at all likely anywhere else I go will be different? I'll explore, I won't close that door right away. But I've realized one thing on my huge journey of self growth and advancement, it's that most people don't even bother. They don't want to learn how to manage their anger better, be less materialistic or greedy, they'd rather let their stuff pollute the energetic airways and let the fallout hit everyone. I hold myself responsible for my actions but it stuns me how many people in this world just don't even fucking bother.

I got home from the bars yesterday and was laying awake in my bed. I'm just utterly tired of this life I'm subjecting myself to at the moment. And it's not about working harder to achieve something or be someone. I just don't want to be caught up in this clusterfuck of negativity that seems pervasive wherever I go. Yeah I can deal with it, I can learn to navigate through it. But ideally I just don't want it to be a part of my life at all. I'd rather just be surrounded by positivity. Surrounded by people that want to push beyond the limits vs reinforcing the status quo out of fear and dragging you down with them like a drowning victim.

I feel a sense of responsibility for staying with this company, but the more I think about it the more it feels like an energetic leech. It just takes from me and doesn't give me anything in return. And yet I'm burdened by a sense of guilt to give more. Much like the pendulum that was described in reality transurfing. It's like something dug its hooks into me and has hijacked my real motivations in life.