LTU: Moving forward

[mat422]

After doing some digging this fear of happiness seems to more than the surface level issue. I think it's just more related to me being myself. A necessary component of my own happiness is being myself. But I've had years of behavior that basically is the equivalent of monitoring my every action and censoring myself or being overly cautious with how I act or what I do or say. I'm still intensely self conscious, but I feel as if that self consciousness is a symptom of having too much fear of my unregulated natural self.

I don't know. Maybe it stems from being a kid. Being who I was, nobody really liked it that much. My parents were accepting, but everyone else wasn't. I essentially learned how to interact with the world by not being myself. It feels very mechanical and forced, but at least I could sort of know the outcome of situations based on how I acted.

Even with my best friend, who I've known since 1st grade, I'm guarded around. Even my family. Everyone in my life. This forum knows more about me than most people in my life.

So yeah, achieving happiness would mean being myself 100%, no more guarded behavior, and I guess that scares me a lot. So I have an aversion to it. So I can be happy, it's just a matter of moving past these fears that hold me in place.

[mat422]

None of this insight does anything. Its always some digging, a perceived breakthrough, then back to old ways once I realize I haven't actually solved anything. I'm not saying nothing is happening or changing. I'm saying I have a tendency to think I can push it along faster by ruminating on stuff too much. If anything I'm beginning to suspect these epiphanies are more like resistance tactics. Convincing myself of change or improvement that really isn't there because I'm too afraid to take the actual steps to achieving it.

I hate my mind.

[Hittman1124]

None of this insight does anything. Its always some digging, a perceived breakthrough, then back to old ways once I realize I haven't actually solved anything. I'm not saying nothing is happening or changing. I'm saying I have a tendency to think I can push it along faster by ruminating on stuff too much. If anything I'm beginning to suspect these epiphanies are more like resistance tactics. Convincing myself of change or improvement that really isn't there because I'm too afraid to take the actual steps to achieving it.

I hate my mind.

I’m with you on that bro, I wake up everyday and have to be me.  Is LTU working for you and are subs in general?

[mat422]

None of this insight does anything. Its always some digging, a perceived breakthrough, then back to old ways once I realize I haven't actually solved anything. I'm not saying nothing is happening or changing. I'm saying I have a tendency to think I can push it along faster by ruminating on stuff too much. If anything I'm beginning to suspect these epiphanies are more like resistance tactics. Convincing myself of change or improvement that really isn't there because I'm too afraid to take the actual steps to achieving it.

I hate my mind.

I’m with you on that bro, I wake up everyday and have to be me.  Is LTU working for you and are subs in general?

I'd say that yes they are working for me. I'm a lot better than I once was. But overall  I feel as if it could be better for me. There's still a lot of difficulties I face

[mat422]

You know what? Insight is only useless if you don't do anything with it. I've established I have fear. Deep fears, ridiculous fears. Fears that controlled my life for as long as I can remember. Having that level of fear got me down the path of thinking it was some untouchable thing. That it is more powerful than it actually is.

I've been stuck. Not happy with my circumstances, but at the same time too afraid to change them. But if I continue down this path that's one of my worst nightmares. So that's enough motivation for me to keep trying.

These past few weeks I've been having this desire to "let go". This internal pressure to change, I kept trying to ignore it or I'd sort of break down and want to give up. Do anything to escape it. It felt like this desire to go all the way back to the way things used to be. I realized giving into that is what's holding me back. I need to move forward instead and stop telling myself things can't be a certain way in my life.

I have to try. I've had years of conditioning that's caused me to not even try because I think I know what the outcome will be. I assume it won't work or I'm not ready yet or any other limiting belief. It's hard sometimes trying to do your best and feeling like you ran into a brickwall at some point. Doing that multiple times really takes it out of you. But I'm going to keep going until I get to where I want to be.

[Shannon]

It will get easier as you make more and more progress, I assure you.

[mat422]

Thanks Shannon. I'm very tired lately. I think it's because I'm fighting with parts of myself that don't want to dive into these emotions that need to be healed. But I've been pushing on, really exhausted because I mistakenly assumed if I let these emotions in they would dictate my actions. I've been trying to fight how I'm feeling instead of letting it be and making conscious decisions to keep moving forward with my goals. The irony being the more I pushed this stuff away, the more control I thought i had over myself. But it's just the opposite.

It feels like venturing into a hole that I might not make it out of or a storm. I see it, but I don't see the way out through it and that's what scares me. If I get stuck there. I recognize thats just the fear talking and that what I want lies on that otherside.

[mat422]

I bumped up the volume last night to really push myself. It may not be comfortable, but going the easy safe and comfortable route leaves my subconscious with way too many opportunities to sabotage me. Maybe in the future it'll be easier, but for now I'll do whatever I have to do to make it over these hurdles in my life.

Worked on some music today. Bumping up the volume must have helped because I found myself pushing forward and not getting stuck in those little self doubt loops that ruin my creative decisions. I still find it hard to finish songs, but I've identified why. It's because I put too much pressure on myself to create something super unique or different vs just following my intuition. I can easily create something if I just follow through on it as long as I don't set ridiculous expectations for myself.

I watched a producer in the studio video and the way he worked on his music inspired me. He had such a carefree attitude, no pressure, just having fun. As ridiculous as it sounds, I rarely get that. But I'm going to work on dropping the expectations and focus on just having fun.

[findingme]

Matt,

I read your last few posts. I identify with your thinking patterns presently. Hope is brewing, but it is obscured by those same old thoughts, the same patterns we've been circling in for years.

I'm just finishing my 2 day LTU break, and will restart tonight. Last night, after having looked through other's posts and still desiring some encouragement, I pulled up my past threads and chose to read over my USLM3 journal. Wow.......I had a lot more focus then. Since it wasn't an emotionally focused sub, my thinking was freer, and even my writing style was like "I'm thinking on this, so I'll write". Whereas now, I'm thinking on stuff, and damn...... I've not wanted to feel it. Old strategies of "ignore it, and it'll go away" aren't working like they used to anymore (but I still go there first thinking my fear will protect me). For me, old emotions seem to have a lot of power. Yeah, even while writing that, old grief came up--but not just grief. I felt hope and some comfort too. In 5 seconds time, I flashed back to my UD run, feeling somber, and also knowing this grief is the one door I need to go through--for I've done it before, and joy is on the other side. For me, grief is that mountain I keep circling, and my thinking is it's too powerful for me. However, hope keeps pulling on me, seeking my cooperation. Guns and Roses' "Patience" is going through my mind now. Heard it yesterday.

While reading your posts, I identified with the insatiable part of me, the part which sees and feels fear first. I'm attempting business moves, you're attempting music moves, and even small hangups in my life seem like major blockades. I brought up USLM since problem solving seemed much easier then, and looking back, the FRM seemed to inoculate old fears from spreading and growing like wildfire.

I'm wondering how to activate and boost USLM more while running LTU. Maybe Shannon will chime in on this more. How does one focus on an outside goal when major reconstruction is happening inside?

[mat422]

I don't know how it was for you, but when I was on uslm it gave me focus and direction. Like a train plowing through everything. The problem was success wasnt the whole piece of the puzzle for me. My relationships were still terrible and my emotional health was also bad. And I kept isolating myself more and more thinking that once I hit my goals it would all fall into place. The biggest misconception I've made in life is that good mental health = success. But I've realized it can exist entirely independent of that. Which is why it's important to also address that.

As for pulling out the effects of uslm more, not really sure how you'd go about doing that. But in my case I know chasing success can easily become an escape from getting to the root of the real issues. So I'd imagine ltu prioritizes based on what you need vs what you want. Sometimes that means slowing down a bit on the goals to foster growth.

One thing is for certain. It's not a linear path at all. It can get very confusing. I think that's why is important not to expect things to be handled a certain way because you close yourself off to the greater planning of the subconscious.

[findingme]

Avoiding the discomfort has been a lifelong effort for me, and I wondered that before reading your response, maybe 30 minutes ago. Success (it's touted) always feels better than old emotional wounds. And seeking help being successful is much easier than seeking credible emotional relief.

So, thank you for pointing out the (not so) obvious to me. I'm slowing down now, after pushing myself to get some things done to possibly feel better about myself today.

[mat422]

No problem. It's definitely a balancing act. To keep pushing towards success, but not using it as a means of validation. I tend to oscillate between going all out and burning myself and being too detached. Learning to integrate this emotional healing, but at the same time not having it interfere with what needs to be done has been difficult. But I find there's always something that can be done. Interestingly enough I've found it's not the work that gets tiring, it's the conditions attached to it. That fear of potential failure that gets the stress levels rising. Eliminating that conditioning should open up a new perspective on things. It's funny how the things we perceive as hard are really just our emotional reaction to them.

[mat422]

So I messed with the volume again. This time I basically used my intuition to set it. I pretty much twisted the volume control until it felt right. Definitely a different experience as far as processing goes. It's like it hit me in my core, it seems lower volume has a much larger impact on me.

Today I felt a bit paralyzed. It was like this nonstop wave of fear that froze me from doing much. I wanted to work on music some more, but instead I took some time to sit with the feelings. I can't consciously say what it is, it's just a very physical sensation. But it feels like it's going into that very deep part of my mind based on instincts and conditioned responses so I'll see how this turns out.

[Shannon]

So why do you think you messed up the volume?