05-02-2019, 03:48 AM
Something got knocked loose last night. The thought that stuck in my mind was "who are you being happy for?" And "who are you doing this self improvement for?". I realized a lot of my motivation was born out of guilt and shame. A result of that is that I found myself stressed about being happy or confident or whatever else LTU was doing.
The best way I can describe it was last night that wall was torn down. The one that's overly concerned about being perceived as depressed, insecure, or struggling with life in general. I realized there's still a lot of unresolved stuff that was hidden behind this need to not be any of those things that was really preventing me from letting go.
For a lot of my life there's been a sort of tense agitated state. Where it felt like I was trying too damn hard just to go about regular life. I'm starting to see now this was me consciously suppressing those deeper subconscious beliefs in an effort to appease the people around me. And along with that really just repressing myself because I was always different enough to stick out.
So long story short. I'm dealing with this stuff as it comes. I don't feel pressure to be positive for positives sake. I do feel worn out and beat down. Last night I just had this feeling of wanting to rip away everything and be my true self around everyone. The struggles I've been through, the challenges I still face, in general I'm tired of putting on this long elaborate act.
The best way I can describe it was last night that wall was torn down. The one that's overly concerned about being perceived as depressed, insecure, or struggling with life in general. I realized there's still a lot of unresolved stuff that was hidden behind this need to not be any of those things that was really preventing me from letting go.
For a lot of my life there's been a sort of tense agitated state. Where it felt like I was trying too damn hard just to go about regular life. I'm starting to see now this was me consciously suppressing those deeper subconscious beliefs in an effort to appease the people around me. And along with that really just repressing myself because I was always different enough to stick out.
So long story short. I'm dealing with this stuff as it comes. I don't feel pressure to be positive for positives sake. I do feel worn out and beat down. Last night I just had this feeling of wanting to rip away everything and be my true self around everyone. The struggles I've been through, the challenges I still face, in general I'm tired of putting on this long elaborate act.
INFP
