01-30-2019, 08:02 AM
The past month was a sh!t show. I went through major bouts of doom and gloom. I'm still at the same job with the chick who made up a bunch of BS and essentially turned out to be a manipulative time waster. I'm so angry at myself for not seeing it earlier and trusting my own instincts. In addition, motivation for school and life in general sunk to record lows.
Restarting DMSI 3.3.1 was a chore. Part of me just wanted to say f*ck it and quit. FRM has revealed something to me though. Many of the worst memories I have came from my youth and as a result my "youthful-self" contains many of the fears I currently have. Obviously I'm older, wiser, and can see the world (usually) through the lens of logic and wisdom. That said, I always carry my younger self around. The "young K-Train" is the source for a lot of my creativity and a lot of my happiness. The "young K-Train" is what makes me smile and contains many cherished memories...but unfortunately it also carries the bad ones.
The reason why I believe I have been able to partially resist DMSI off and on is because in order for FRM to work, in order for me to get consistent success I have to remove the fear contained in those past memories. And my subconscious views this as me attempting to kill my younger self (or my mental projection of it) for the purpose of full execution. Put simply: I feel like I'm killing part of myself and burning down my childhood.
Hopefully this data proves fruitful for future FRM development. I've long suspected that this was a problem but I kept "forgetting" to write about it. Translation: my subconscious knew if I mentioned it then there was a chance that a technology would be created to purge it thus it found ways to keep me from "remembering" for the purpose of self-preservation.
Restarting DMSI 3.3.1 was a chore. Part of me just wanted to say f*ck it and quit. FRM has revealed something to me though. Many of the worst memories I have came from my youth and as a result my "youthful-self" contains many of the fears I currently have. Obviously I'm older, wiser, and can see the world (usually) through the lens of logic and wisdom. That said, I always carry my younger self around. The "young K-Train" is the source for a lot of my creativity and a lot of my happiness. The "young K-Train" is what makes me smile and contains many cherished memories...but unfortunately it also carries the bad ones.
The reason why I believe I have been able to partially resist DMSI off and on is because in order for FRM to work, in order for me to get consistent success I have to remove the fear contained in those past memories. And my subconscious views this as me attempting to kill my younger self (or my mental projection of it) for the purpose of full execution. Put simply: I feel like I'm killing part of myself and burning down my childhood.
Hopefully this data proves fruitful for future FRM development. I've long suspected that this was a problem but I kept "forgetting" to write about it. Translation: my subconscious knew if I mentioned it then there was a chance that a technology would be created to purge it thus it found ways to keep me from "remembering" for the purpose of self-preservation.
