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Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-08-2018
This report will have two sections: One for TID effects of V3.3 and then this morning's report of last night's V3.3 usage. Also be aware that I was using Ultra Success 4G and MHS 3G before switching over to DMSI V3.3.
12/7/2018 - TID from DMSI V3.3
I felt extremely happy, almost euphoric during the first half of the day. Was talking to random chicks around campus just to keep my skills sharp but I am talking to a chick now and pursuing a relationship with her (more details later). Did well on both finals but afterwards got frustrated because I have a work project due and the coworker I was supposed to meet up with cancelled on me. Btw, this coworker is also the one I'm pursuing a relationship with. I was a bit frustrated to say the least. Notable effects:
* Increased willingness to speak my mind more which shows in how I speak and text
*Not as concerned with others opinion
*General anxiety decreasing
*Frustration and anger building in regards to my current situation with this chick, income, and living situation (at home, with family).
12/8/2018
In the middle of the night I woke up and almost turned the program off because I was getting scared. Granted I had phlegm in my throat which caused me to wake up initially but a few minutes later while laying down a strong feeling of uneasiness swept into my mind as if I was going to have a panic attack because I thought "how can I let this program into my mind? It's f*cking me up inside". The feeling subsided after a few more minutes.
Fast forward to now and I'm PISSED. I mean PISSED. At a lot of shit. Mostly with the way some people have treated me and I have the urge to just lay a verbal smackdown on all of them.The anger I'm feeling is all-consuming yet I'm still able to maintain professionalism (I'm at work right now). I see small sh*t changing in my mannerism however I'd rather wait and see if this sticks. Most likely feeling with the fear of being disappointed with V3.3 even though logically the damn thing just came out so there's plenty of time.
For the record, my biggest issue has been biting my tongue and not voicing my displeasure either at all or early on when someone/something pisses me off/disrespects me/treats me in an unfavorable manner.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-09-2018
Yesterday I had a lot of rage at the beginning of the day that subsided over the course of the day so I'm thankful for that. I ended up working a double shift essentially with my boss yesterday (female, very cute). We've grown closer because I've been employed with the company longer and she trusts me to get things done. We both smoked some weed (unprofessional I know but meh
) and I was still able to be on point with my banter. At one point she said (I'm paraphrasing) "guess we should just hold hands and get all our woes out" at which point I hesitated for a microsecond and then just reached my hand out for hers and she grasped back and I playfully took a deep breath to signify stress relief which made her giggle.Later went over to a small get-together to celebrate two b-days for some buddies of mine. Drank a bit but still felt good. Very little anxiety if any. Shook hands with the ladies at the party and dapped up the fellas. Lots of good vibes. One of the girls (my buddy's ex) gave me a "are you serious?" facial expression when I held my hand out to shake her hand and she got up from her seat, said "I don't want a handshake, I want a hug" and hugged me as if I was some long lost friend (we've only spoken TWICE...EVER). No she's not that attractive but she's cool. My buddy told me a while back that she said I was gorgeous
.Final Comments
* Drug override programming seems to work, although I didn't drink myself under a table nor did I smoke a whole bunch of shit. Wonder if it can override artificial pheromones....(joking Shannon, I know the rules
)* Less apprehension about confrontation. HUGE plus for me. The thought no longer makes me as nervous (although I still get a bit nervous) as before. But I need to see more of it in action though.
* The filter from my gut to my brain is dissipating. In other words, if I feel something I'm more likely to just say it.
* This sub can be dangerous for people wanting to be in a committed relationship. Me and this other chick having been talking serious about our relationship in terms of goals, marriage, etc. but frankly I don't like her behavior. I've just tried to be patient. Having options and knowing I can dismiss her with the snap of my finger is changing my disposition. Drastically.
* I'm started to feel "uncaged". Imagine an animal that's been locked in captivity for a long time but gets it's shackles loosened.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-10-2018
I f*cked up and missed my loops last night. That said, I woke up feeling so good. FRM V4.1 is the TITS.
Anyway, last night my friends called me saying there was a bunch of girls over at the party even saying that a few looked good (I was disappointed but meh). What I loved about this was that normally I'd come up with excuses not to go over there but as soon as I got the call I took a quick shower and got dressed super quick. Sometimes in the past I'd sabotage things by going slow or some other goofy shit.
The girls were "meh" with a few exceptions but I had a great time nonetheless. Good to see the Magnus Engine can fire up. Looking forward to greater progress.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-12-2018
Last few days were a bit tough because of work but I got through it.
DMSI V3.3 has helped ease the work situation a bit. I didn't get chewed out/yelled at by my supervisor the way I could/should have due to the foolishness that went on which I allowed because I let my own work standards slip because of others I work with. Unacceptable. I did bounce back in a big way so hoorah.
The chick I'm pursuing a relationship with was extra giddy yesterday and insisted on us taking selfies yesterday while at the company Winter Holiday event. She noted that another female coworker was really into me although to be fair I've know this other chick has had a thing for me for a while.
I've traced the source of my rage. It's coming from someone who is so used to bottling things up, accepting disrespect sometimes just to keep "peace", etc. that his true self was never really allowed to blossom at least not regularly or consistently. It took me YEARS to try and undo BS that happened early in my life. Now I feel it's all coming out. Sometimes on V3.3 I feel so blissful, so peaceful, and chill...but then there's times like now where I'm F*CKING PISSED. I mean PISSED. Part of me hates it because I've started snapping at people (which I'm not a fan of) but I've also started putting people in check which kinda makes me feel good.
For example, a friend/coworker (who frankly I'm starting to consider more as just a coworker because of her behavior towards me) kept interrupting me and refused to cooperate when we were trying to do a skit for my job. She then insisted on herself playing the role instead of me and because I was getting aggravated and wanted the damn thing over with I obliged. Later, she said "See K-Train, I told you I could do it better than you" to which I responded "No, I was better at COOPERATING than you which is why your role went so smooth". She then later said "well, do you want to do the role"? I told her no but since then she's acted better towards me.
@Shannon : I know from talking to you in the past you were once walked over by people a lot and didn't voice your opinion much. How did you deal with coming to terms with all the people who wronged/disrespected you? I ask because I feel like I've kept things bottled up so much that the barrier holding back all this pent up aggression is deteriorating via FRM4.1 and I just want a helpful solution to keep my emotions in check because I really am a peaceful person and strive to treat others the way I want to be treated.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-16-2018
DMSI V3.3 chemical override program works quite well. I've tested it with weed, alcohol, and caffeine. It can handle low amounts of each of these drugs. Go too high and...well you get the picture. One important thing to mention is that one reason I stopped smoking weed was due to a panic attack I suffered years ago while drunk and high. This past weekend I smoked A LOT and was on the verge of having another panic attack when all of a sudden the fear was shutdown and I was able to enjoy my high. I even took a caffeine pill today to see if I could get over my fear of having my heart rate go too high. I did. I can now consume fat burners again. F*cking FRM4.1.
I'm going to have a talk with the coworker I'm pursuing this week. I don't feel valued in this relationship and feel like she's wasting my time. In the past year or so I was normally able to be more hardline and cut chicks off when they did even half of the silly sh!t she was doing but because we work together fear held me back. Today my feeling was...so what? Cut her off, tell her to work on herself and when she's ready to treat me better I'll be ready to do more for her. But she can't ask for special treatment if she's not willing to give it. F*ckin FRM4.1.
Nothing else on the women's front but Shannon's description of how FRM4.1 works (located in my signature for those who want more info) has given me peace of mind. Even when I almost self-sabotaged the program this morning when I was about to NOT listen to my loops I fought back and still got my 5 loops in. Also of note, I've fapped twice while on DMSI but I've been able to fight off the urges much more easily.
I'm a bit disappointed by the lack of external results but delighted at the internal progress. To be fair, with 3G/4G subs it normally took about 3-4 months of usage before the effects started kicking in for me so the fact that I'm getting some of the results I'm getting now in just about about a week of usage is quite promising. Definitely interested in seeing how things are 3 months from now.
PS: I've got another Spring Break trip planned which will coincide with my 4th month on DMSI. Spring Break, DMSI 3.3, and full execution? Maaaaaaaaaaan......
EDIT: Also Shannon if you come across this thread can you answer the question I had for you in the previous post? Thank you sir.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - Shannon - 12-16-2018
(12-12-2018, 07:14 PM)K-Train Wrote: Last few days were a bit tough because of work but I got through it.
DMSI V3.3 has helped ease the work situation a bit. I didn't get chewed out/yelled at by my supervisor the way I could/should have due to the foolishness that went on which I allowed because I let my own work standards slip because of others I work with. Unacceptable. I did bounce back in a big way so hoorah.
The chick I'm pursuing a relationship with was extra giddy yesterday and insisted on us taking selfies yesterday while at the company Winter Holiday event. She noted that another female coworker was really into me although to be fair I've know this other chick has had a thing for me for a while.
I've traced the source of my rage. It's coming from someone who is so used to bottling things up, accepting disrespect sometimes just to keep "peace", etc. that his true self was never really allowed to blossom at least not regularly or consistently. It took me YEARS to try and undo BS that happened early in my life. Now I feel it's all coming out. Sometimes on V3.3 I feel so blissful, so peaceful, and chill...but then there's times like now where I'm F*CKING PISSED. I mean PISSED. Part of me hates it because I've started snapping at people (which I'm not a fan of) but I've also started putting people in check which kinda makes me feel good.
For example, a friend/coworker (who frankly I'm starting to consider more as just a coworker because of her behavior towards me) kept interrupting me and refused to cooperate when we were trying to do a skit for my job. She then insisted on herself playing the role instead of me and because I was getting aggravated and wanted the damn thing over with I obliged. Later, she said "See K-Train, I told you I could do it better than you" to which I responded "No, I was better at COOPERATING than you which is why your role went so smooth". She then later said "well, do you want to do the role"? I told her no but since then she's acted better towards me.
@Shannon : I know from talking to you in the past you were once walked over by people a lot and didn't voice your opinion much. How did you deal with coming to terms with all the people who wronged/disrespected you? I ask because I feel like I've kept things bottled up so much that the barrier holding back all this pent up aggression is deteriorating via FRM4.1 and I just want a helpful solution to keep my emotions in check because I really am a peaceful person and strive to treat others the way I want to be treated.
At first I lashed out with 0 calibration. Lost my girlfriend and pissed off my mother big time. Then spent a lot of time contemplating my actions and found a balance of reasonable response. I would accept no shit, but I also wasn't being an ass about it. The key is blunt, no nonsense communication. "My boundaries are X, and if you cross those boundaries you will have to deal with the consequences and that is that."
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-18-2018
Found out the chick who I've been pursuing has been saying some real f*cked up shit about me behind closed doors. I'm a bit hurt because this chick has put a damper in several friendships and familial relationships even when I've had her back and told people to chill out when they talked about her. That said, I'm honestly glad this stuff came to light.
Her actions are a result of my inaction. But this shit ends. Thank you FRM 4.1 for helping to remove/reduce my fear of confrontation and allowing me to freely love myself enough to END THIS BULLSHIT.
"Never love anyone more than you love yourself" - Patrice O'Neal
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - Theron - 12-19-2018
hello mate,
perchance I came across your journal and some of the things you said were so spot on, I could not believe it.
I am experiencing some things that you are going through and I can't believe how well your words describe what I was feeling.
Particularly these two quotes
Quote:Fast forward to now and I'm PISSED. I mean PISSED.
A chick stood me up and I got so pissed at her and few other unrelated chicks that I found it hard to control my anger.
and this
Quote:For the record, my biggest issue has been biting my tongue and not voicing my displeasure either at all or early on when someone/something pisses me off/disrespects me/treats me in an unfavorable manner.
And then I read Shannon's words and again it is so surprising that I was thinking almost exactly these lines
Quote:My boundaries are X, and if you cross those boundaries you will have to deal with the consequences and that is that.
This was super helpful because I was trying to figure out what to do with this chick. In the past, I would just block her in messages and never look at her again and be done with it.
But now, I feel like I should point out her mistake to her face and give her a piece of my mind instead of ghosting her.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-19-2018
Thank you to @Theron and everyone else for their support. More information has come out which has made the situation worse. I may end up leaving my job due to this foolishness. But I do appreciate everyone's support.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-26-2018
Chick from the job tried spreading a bunch of BS about me which was crazy considering I thought we ended our relationship in a cordial way. Long story short, she proposed we be just friends and I told her "I don't go out trying to be friends with women I'm attracted too" but I told her that I would be willing to discuss business with her just not personal shit.
I feel the celebrity effect from DMSI V3.2 and V3.3 helped out because all my coworkers sought me out and told me they don't believe her because they know my character (one even hit me up yesterday wishing me a Merry Christmas). Regardless, I'm going to look for a new job and quit this one in the very near future. I've never personally had to deal with a chick this f*cking toxic.
On the V3.3 front I feel the stress from this situation caused me to fap more. My mind has been doing a lot of crazy shit like trying to listen to less loop, trying to break ASRB, and other shit. For the most part, I've been able to work around it.
Also, part of me is trying to say this program isn't doing anything for me and that I should just quit. Resistance tactic #5 and #6.
EDIT: I just thought about this. One of the biggest fears I've always had was the fear of a crazy b*tch f*cking up my reputation/job. I feel this has held me back from being as successful as I could/should have been with women.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 12-29-2018
Quick report: FRM 4.1/DMSI V3.3 are working on one of my biggest lifelong problems which is procrastination . These last few days I was on my break and I began getting an urge to do stuff like keep my store clean, not waste time daydreaming, study conversation techniques I've had for years, etc. What's crazy is that I began feeling extremely uneasy about the whole thing. A part of me literally said "please don't make me do this" ("this" referring to just being more productive at work and being more proactive in studying ways to improve my ability to be more successful with women). It was so interesting. It was like my subconscious was literally begging me not to continue. It's the same type of response I get when I resist the urge to fap sometimes.
This means DMSI is working on my fear of success which is the source of the majority of my procrastination habits. Based on the response from my subconscious I'd say this may be a very big battle one in which my subconscious seems to be losing because I've been very productive these last few days but it feels like dragging along a whining 3 year old who doesn't want to cooperate.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - Kol - 12-29-2018
Subscribed. Great journal.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 01-30-2019
The past month was a sh!t show. I went through major bouts of doom and gloom. I'm still at the same job with the chick who made up a bunch of BS and essentially turned out to be a manipulative time waster. I'm so angry at myself for not seeing it earlier and trusting my own instincts. In addition, motivation for school and life in general sunk to record lows.
Restarting DMSI 3.3.1 was a chore. Part of me just wanted to say f*ck it and quit. FRM has revealed something to me though. Many of the worst memories I have came from my youth and as a result my "youthful-self" contains many of the fears I currently have. Obviously I'm older, wiser, and can see the world (usually) through the lens of logic and wisdom. That said, I always carry my younger self around. The "young K-Train" is the source for a lot of my creativity and a lot of my happiness. The "young K-Train" is what makes me smile and contains many cherished memories...but unfortunately it also carries the bad ones.
The reason why I believe I have been able to partially resist DMSI off and on is because in order for FRM to work, in order for me to get consistent success I have to remove the fear contained in those past memories. And my subconscious views this as me attempting to kill my younger self (or my mental projection of it) for the purpose of full execution. Put simply: I feel like I'm killing part of myself and burning down my childhood.
Hopefully this data proves fruitful for future FRM development. I've long suspected that this was a problem but I kept "forgetting" to write about it. Translation: my subconscious knew if I mentioned it then there was a chance that a technology would be created to purge it thus it found ways to keep me from "remembering" for the purpose of self-preservation.
RE: Journey Through Fear and Sabotage: DMSI V3.3 Journal - K-Train - 02-07-2019
Right now I'm experiencing a "rage" unlike anything I've ever experienced. I mentioned this in Shannon's journal, but what's happening is often times when I feel fear or sense myself doing something or avoiding something out of fear my reaction follows a predictable pattern: sense fear --> rage gets generated at the fear...a defiant rage along the lines of "you won't bully me" --> perform an action that makes me face the fear --> move on from the fear.
This appears to be the Magnus Engine and the FRM's solution to solving my fears. It's basically decided "K-Train MUST get to the design goal of DMSI...but...he's got these fears in front of him. It seems that when he's angry or riled up he tends to confront his fears better so let's remind him of all the success he's LOST from his fear, get him riled up, and then he'll just go into attack mode on all his fears until there aren't any left. Hat trick!"
Well played DMSI...well played.
EDIT: Work place productivity, celebrity effect, and overall sense of well being have improved. I'm supposed to go on break for the next 3 days but I'd like to test to see if continued listening breaks the wall. Eh, we're a long way off from a new FRM so I might as well follow protocol and provide solid data. Thanks to everyone who supports this journal.
Now I'm going to go spread the love and like some posts.