Jennie's Journal with Emotional Pain Relief and Healing Aid

[jennielee]

Thanks for all the comments. @ swisston ive had problems with being codependent in general. He knows that he is too much of a distraction to me, and he didnt want to hinder me from the important goals in life. It just really hurts, that he is out of my life because he was one person i can say actually loved me enough to always do the right thing by me. But all in all its my own fault. If i had listened and followed his advice i wouldnt be in this spot.

Day 18: i had less trouble sleeping, but still had some none the less. Im still sick and think im coming down with something. I find myself starting to focus on the right things now even though losing him has left a gaping hole in my heart. Thankfully though i haven't been too self destructive. More importantly i haven't tried to put anyone else into my life. I find myself content being alone and waiting to see what happens in the future. He is worth waiting for even if he never comes back. Right now though i am just trying to do my best to make him proud by honoring him and becoming successful in the ways he asked me to and in the ways i should. The added hours of the sub seem to be helping me stay focused. Im still grieving but its not to the point that my whole life is focused on it. Im just trying to stay focused on the good memories as much as i can. I know he watches over me and checks on me. Im hoping one day what he sees will be enough for him to knock on my door and come back. But with all things there is no guarantee so regardless i need to focus on the things that are in my life. My daughter and providing for her is my main focus now.

My next challenge is on me too for my business. I need to find some creative way of getting people to buy. Im getting alot of resistance and some of it seems to be the fact i don't have a reputation as of yet, someone also suggested that my pricing was weird. Im not sure what it is exactly yet. Maybe im just expecting too much at the start. Im considering a few things for getting it out there, but i dont have money for business cards yet which would go a long way with in person interaction. What i have already learned is helping me quite a bit, but it seems there is way more to figure out. Im just trying to educate myself as much as possible on a daily basis. I know my mom would probably help me if i got into a bind, but thats not the point of all this. I have to do it without help as much as possible.

Im done making the same stupid mistakes, im ready to stop running from responsibilities but most of all im ready to start embracing this change even if the road is rough. I see this sub as pushing me to where i need to be. Now that ive stopped digging my heels in the ground maybe things can move a bit faster. I plan on using this program likely for 6 months to a year. Next on my list is LTU. But first i have to get through this.