*Jake's Overcoming Fear 5.75.1G Journal*

[Jake2015]

Thursday 15 October - Day 2 of Cycle 3

So today I was more eager to not waste time as I had written that I must go for a walk today. I havent really done any or much walking since covid began. Maybe once a month if even that and as im over weight too my friend has for years urged me to go to the gym or walk and after a long talk with him a few nights ago it became obvious that either I get moving or ill lose the girl or die or both.

So the plan was today to put on my mask, get outside and go see the local gym which is 5-7mins walk away followed by a 20min walk.

Let me make this clear, going outside for a walk just doesnt do it for me. At times it bores me and at other times it makes me self conscious of how I look. Considering the last time I went for a walk was with this said friend and this was perhaps in september if not August then it seems like a huge jump for me to go out today.

When I walked to the gym, I didnt feel conscious much or at all. I got to the gym and spoke to a taller and well built personal trainer - the typical alpha male or jock as they say in the states. lol

He was really good though he put me at ease, there were hardly any members there exercising and no females so i felt no anxiety and he explained things and we spoke and gelled so im going to start with him soon once I have got some things done that lead to it.

I left the gym and saw 2 girls that are on my course leaving the spa. I felt insecure, they arent my friends and thus will only gossip about seeing me at the gym etc. However I then felt why should I give a fuck and walked on towards the lifts/elevators. I have no idea if they saw me and I dont care. As my friend says youre making changes to better your life that should be commended so screw them.

I left the gym and went on my 20min walk. In total it became 36mins lol. I started to stop and take pics or videos to show the girl which i did. Some I sent to her to see the rest I will send after she and I talk on the phone.

During my walk I challenged myself. I walked and flapped my arms side to side as if im mildy stretching but it was to boost my confidence and to show I dont give a damn! I walked and it was a very slow relaxed casual pace. I took pics and I enjoyed it which was nice too.

I at 1 stage took a picture of a chocolate shop and there were 2 girls sat on a table of a cafe next to it. I think they either talked about me or something because as I was preparing my shot (like a pro obviously lol) 1 did look at me so I was like "why should I care" and just continued.

I think either its the sub or its the fact that I had on a face mask that protected me from the world perhaps and it was also supper sunny which helped too im sure.

I just got off a stressful chat with my girl. Rather than it being a nice friendly chat it started well and turned a little heavy and ugly. Misunderstanding sure. She has been home all day long today and I have heard from her but not alot today and I just feel like im not her number 1 priority or on her mind as she is on mine.

I dont like feeling that way where its unbalanced affection or attraction or lust or like or love or whatever it is, its not nice and im feeling kinda shit now.

I forgot to mention that the walking was 1 task for me today, walking of 20mins, the other being to see the gym. I also managed to throw out an email I needed to send as well as throw the trash/garbage/rubbish out so ive so far managed to do 4 tasks of many scheduled today.

I woke at 11 or 12, I didnt eat anything and these 4 things done then got back and ate around 5.30pm or 6pm.

I fill shit but anyway girls seem to do that to us guys.