Findingme's E5 journal

[findingme]

April 1, 2023
2nd rest day

I had to turn off all music stations. I need to focus. I've always effectively hid in music, but fear (or guilt) is pointing out I'm just hiding. Avoiding what needs doing.

Writing here focuses me, but I spit out my truth. So I'm out.

[findingme]

April 1, 2023 (cont.)

A lot of things are actually working in my life.

E5 is straightening out my thought life, one day at a time.
I move into my new place tomorrow
I've been in touch with my daughter today, and multiple times in most weeks
An investment I've been hodling is coming up for use very soon.

I can easily find other good things.  But I'm writing since my mind keeps looking back to familiar misery, causing me ...... familiar misery. 

It's like.....I am so used to scaring myself and following a pattern of learned helplessness.  I used it a lot in my life to manipulate for other's attention, pity, and ultimately, a rescue. 

That's been me a very long time.  In the back of my mind I've found myself looking for people to do a rescue, but in the last couple of years using healing subs (IML and other vendors) I've found when I pay attention, healthy people will give some nonverbal cue that says "No!"  For me, a large part of growing up emotionally has been changing my thoughts from "I can't" to "I can!"  And using IML subs leads me to challenge my old unhealthy norm.

That impulse has weakened, but it's not been fully rewritten.  It was my most used tool when I felt down, even to where I'd accept being down since I knew I'd find a rescuer.  So, how does this affect me now?

With women, part of me cringes when I find out a woman I know would like to rescue me.  My marriage was somewhat of an agreed-upon rescue.  I'm stronger now, but writing now, I'm looking at women with unrealistic expectations.  So, I can address and change that in me.  At any time. 

With male peers, I see unrealistic expectations there too.  I work with all guys, and feedback has been consistent, almost all of it being non-verbal.  I catch it, but I often go to a childlike mindset around peers.  I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I'm still playing a part of the "little brother in need of rescuing".  A lot of men pick this up.  I've been afraid and (intentionally) uneducated on living differently.  Like I'm living in a fantasy.  I am.  How do I break out of that?

A clearer question (having a ton of real truths) is "why am I still wanting to be a kid around adult males?"  I know I am still seeking some brotherly treatment (even though I'm older than 90% of my work peers). 

As I've sat here wondering about that question, I felt something inside.  There's an emotional root holding me there.  I use that mindset only when I'm in survival mode, and only since I began on E5 have I not need to "survive" every day.  Some days more than others, but my gut has been relaxing more recently.

I'm going to pull off for now.  Fears (of me accepting abuse) come to my mind, and I almost shed a tear.  Am I still trying to be young, but remembering me being abused?

That answer is very, very warm.  I want to heal, but am sidelined daily by fears.  Pulling off now.

[findingme]

March 2, 2023
3rd rest day

I chose to watch a movie this morning. In the description, it mentioned a "painful childhood", so I chose to turn it on. I'm a little shocked.

This story is all about a young college girl who is having increasing PTSD memories surfacing. In her opening narrative, she spoke of not being able to pull up her past, of being disconnected from it.

I mention this since I'm still watching it now. I'm finding it TOO easy to identify with the characters. I hide behind this accomplishment or that achievement, but it's all so I won't face the emotional truth of my past. I see myself (in my head) hiding in a war-era foxhole. Just trying not to be shot (or become aware of my terrors). In truth, I spend my days doing non-stop surveillance of my present and future scenarios, trying to avoid triggering even a piece of a memory. I say this not remembering them, but feeling their power in me. Denial and confusion is demanded to cope with it. It's all that's ever worked to quiet the inner storm.

(I finished the movie)

To one not experienced in such matters, my writings and probings would seem like useless, thought-consuming, melodramatic imaginations.

But for those with actual experience, it's me truly wondering why this consumes me. And searching for how and why I need to face it. A true part of me got stuck in those memories, and I'm digging to find myself. To make peace with myself. (Crying now)

The movie is called "Wildflower". A pretty functional film, showing a lot of courage to face the truth. And courage to share it with those closest.

[findingme]

April 4, 2023
2nd listening day

I feel scared going forward but I'm seeing possibilities too. I had an uncomfortable experience yesterday during lunch with 3 other guys, where my driver began ribbing me about stuff everyone knew already. However, I didn't like it, and my responses were defensive and angry. I was trying to hide my anger, and it egged him on.

After lunch my mood was still poor, and I remembered feeling like this years back. It didn't take long for me to figure it out. I was holding expectations for him and others to be nice to me, even to coddle me. I admitted that to the driver and that was the best moment in my day. I wasn't stuck in  the loop of unrealistic and unspoken expectations.

Shortly after, I felt within a feeling of grief, and it felt connected to this broken belief that somebody else should save me. But what was strange was that it felt doable. I felt closer to being able to grieve, and that gave me hope.

Sitting here now, I realize that the pain I'm In is coming from me trying to hold on to the past. It's a relief knowing this considering I know I'm failing.

This needed grief is coming closer every day.

[findingme]

April 5, 2023
3rd listening day

Allowing some grief to process this morning.  I'm not sure my picture of grief is as accurate as I thought.

I assumed all grief was obvious outbreaks of tears and the like.  But this morning, I sensed some anger in me that I've held back.  Anger, in my view, was something I've feared expressing since, to me, anger equalled abandonment by others.  That's the simple truth for Nice Guys like I've been.

But my landlord told me last night I was a "nice guy", and I immediately felt anger brewing in me.  He didn't know.  I've just been feeling it more lately.  I then remembered this morning that anger is a stage in grieving.  I'm angry because the images that you've seen--I'm feeling pissed since that show, that image is not working for me anymore.  I instantly want to push you (anybody) away.  That is NOT ME.

Hadn't planned on writing this morning.  I'm gonna head out.

[findingme]

April 6, 2023
1st rest day

I'm writing since it forces me to own what I'm feeling, and I'm fighting some change this morning. Without using E5, I'd would be swimming in fear and dealing with it by denying it. I want to do that, but even just imagining that, I saw and felt the pain and grief inside. The grief says "nah, it never worked before either".

There's something on my mind.

I'm facing feelings of responsibility for myself. That's what's spooking me. I'll just leave that.

Fear wants me to bullshit and explain. Nope.

[GreekGod22]

Can I ask what your age is? Just to get some perspective. You mentioned a daughter.

[findingme]

I'm 51. She's 18 now. She lives in another state with her mom, my ex-wife.

[findingme]

April 7, 2023
2nd rest day

I've been saying I'm scared (I've been feeling it today), and I'm realizing why.  I've been feeling anger bubble up at times, and I'm scared  .... you'd leave if I shared it.

It's been bubbling up today, and I got home 15 minutes ago, walking into a dinner my landlord is having with some of his friends from out of town.  So, naturally, I put on my smile.  I talked with them a minute, then excused myself.

He gave me a big compliment, and though I played the part of being grateful for it, it so collided with the anger that's been sitting in me.  He said I was a gentleman, and ..... in my mind I was like "No I'm NOT!".

Related to this, I had a conversation with the driver I was with today, and it was about alcohol.  He said he likes to have drinks with people to find out who they really are.  I myself am not a drinker, but my dad was a salesman when he was alive.  He told me he would always have drinks with his clients to learn who they really were, and I shared this with my driver.

I'm bringing this up since this anger and fear rose up in me during this conversation.  I shared I remember the last time I drank, and that's why I don't.  I was with my older neighbor, her in her mid-90's, and she was still grieving her husband passing months earlier.  She brought out some wine, and I had a small glass.  What I remember is what I'm experiencing now.  I was with a 94ish year old woman, and I felt this hostility waking up in me.  It made me feel like I was losing control, and I left within 10 minutes.  I was afraid of my anger; I was afraid it'd come out at her, and she was completely innocent.

This runs my life.  I hide behind a lot of BS, but the hiding is all so you won't see the real me.  Me being angry.

While writing that, I quickly imagined following my feelings.  Right behind all this rage and anger is a great sadness.  It's been trying to come out this week.  But expressing anger, for some reason, equals abandonment to me.  It's been a key fear in my life.

[NOMAD]

Buy yourself a punching bag and some gloves. Stuff it work old clothes. Beat the shit of it.

Don't hold that anger in. Release it in a healthy manner.

[findingme]

April 10, 2023
2nd listening day

I've been given that advice before Nomad.  Thank you for pointing it out again.  I'm slowly acclimating to what's really in me, and not the sanitized, shiny picture I've hid behind.  Rest days bring my stuff out, and I was glaring with anger.  I'm grateful I had time to sit with it some.

I'm here tonight since I had a valuable experience last night, courtesy of E5.

My last rest period was rough.  My first day wasn't too turbulent, but day 2 and 3 churned me up, and my last post showed it.  And what came up was a set-in-stone unhappiness I've carried like a family heirloom. It worked for noone growing up, but I'm seeing now that familiar stuff can be very, very uncomfortable.  But it's only used and re-used since it's familiar.  i know what to expect, and it gives me a sense of control over my life.  Results aren't good--but fear of imagined possibilities keep me holding onto what is familiar.

And what was familiar these last 2 days was me running away.  I contacted a subliminal user with another vendor I've been with in years past, and I shared I was struggling.  (Looking back, I never shared I was on my rest days and the sub was activating).  I had plans to jump to the other vendor's subs this morning.

And then my bitcoin miner emailed me last night in the early evening.  He simply wanted to know how I was doing on E5.  I opened up to him like I'd done with the other subliminal user.  But something had changed in me, in my thinking.  I'd begun an angry (scared) reply sharing what I'd been feeling, and what I'd been thinking.  And while writing, thoughts of mine popped up loudly.  I didn't want to quit on ME.  And I only discovered this while writing. I was putting my heart and soul into being emotionally honest with him, and I heard me talking to myself.  

I didn't want to quit....on myself.  I've done it countless times, smearing over the hurt, pain, and confusion it brings up.  i didn't want to live this out once again, and I told him I was going to put on E5 loops.  I sent the email, and began loops.  And more was still to come.

I was up almost the full 4 hours (I play 3 loops).  Fears must have been active because I didn't sleep well.  But something did clearly show up: liking and loving myself.  i felt myself liking myself even while my mind was seeking "familiar" ways once again.  I also realized why i got unusual attention from women while I was on E2.  E2 had those very same goals, and me liking myself must have showed clearly.  It's desirable to be around anyone who truly likes themself, and i had that experience repeatedly while using E2.  And today i felt attractive around a femaie cashier.  Nothing sensual or sexual.  It was just awesome feeling attractive and attracted to her without mindgames going on in me.

I'm grateful Shannon gives so much attention to not running away from the issues we need to face.  I'm also still wowwed by my own actions.  I stood up for myself.  I was in my own corner.  I didn't expect it, and i'm definitely not complaining.