I've had something growing in me, and I've written about it before. I acted on it tonight.
I've shared how I've put on a false face to win people's approval in my 12 step rooms, the atmosphere I've spent the majority of my free time in. What's been growing in me is a discomfort with me. Yeah, a discomfort with me.
I didn't go to my meeting tonight. I've habitually put on a "I'm good!" face. I'm sick of doing this, and a slight anger is motivating me. Not pride, not fear, nor dishonesty. Like a kid in me is pissed by me ignoring me to win their approval.
I even skipped my "important" meeting Wednesday--since I don't like me there (and another guy who I feel unsafe with). I felt guilty about it Wednesday, but feel "sure" about it now, which is new to me. A fear of rejection has guided me for years.
I thought UD was kind of quiet, but having sat on it, I'm seeing it is very, very active in my thinking.
So.......this is a VICTORY for me. I did something I wanted to tonight. I took care of me.
I've shared how I've put on a false face to win people's approval in my 12 step rooms, the atmosphere I've spent the majority of my free time in. What's been growing in me is a discomfort with me. Yeah, a discomfort with me.
I didn't go to my meeting tonight. I've habitually put on a "I'm good!" face. I'm sick of doing this, and a slight anger is motivating me. Not pride, not fear, nor dishonesty. Like a kid in me is pissed by me ignoring me to win their approval.
I even skipped my "important" meeting Wednesday--since I don't like me there (and another guy who I feel unsafe with). I felt guilty about it Wednesday, but feel "sure" about it now, which is new to me. A fear of rejection has guided me for years.
I thought UD was kind of quiet, but having sat on it, I'm seeing it is very, very active in my thinking.
So.......this is a VICTORY for me. I did something I wanted to tonight. I took care of me.
I want to be FREE!
