Findingme's UMS journal

[findingme]

I'm a mix between sadness and fear, but I'm writing.

I was home all day, originally planning on doing laundry and shopping. But since I changed my bank account numbers 2 days ago, my debit card wasn't working. I contacted my bank, and out of fear I didn't go to it today, fearing something scary like it might work. I associated that with going out shopping and me hiding behind some mask. I was afraid of doing the same things which I regretted later, and I resisted.

The FRM is showing me fears, and what's inviting to me is they mostly show themselves when I'm around people. Seeing as I could be a homebody, this actually challenges me. For example, I went out to test my card to buy milk 30 minutes ago. I told the cashier I wasn't sure it'd work, and then it got approved. I was purposefully nice to the cashier, desiring to be real, and I succeeded.

When I began driving home though, new understandings were clashing with my old paradigm. I was being hard on myself seeing how I've protected myself by actively avoiding fearful outcomes and situations. And this is why I feel sad, like resisted sadness. I know fear isn't protecting me. UMS is showing me that. The strain I felt was realizing there was freedom out there which takes commitment to take and hold--vs. the long held feeling and belief that hiding from relationships and responsibility is the safest thing to do. My old ways are clashing with the new.

I'm fearing tomorrow morning I'll wake with the same fears and still wish to hide. As an adult male, that makes no sense in the real world. Yet I've lived in a fantasy world for a long time and found it safe. However, even small rewards like my exchange with the cashier tonight felt bigger and brighter than 12 hours at home, fearing numerous things.

I've had such experiences on other subs before, where something in me changes quickly when around people, and vividly. Simultaneously, my resistance is speaking up, and I'm seeing it.

But tomorrow's not here yet. Presently, the inner battle of old vs. new is going, and I have 8 more hours of UMS to run. One day at a time.

[findingme]

I've had clear thoughts this morning, followed by fear, and when I get frustrated like that I begin asking "where did this come from?"

The fear isn't new and overpowering, it's an old predator looking for vulnerability in me. Found out about some illegit practices with my miner yesterday, and I'm desiring to get my money and get out. Not sure how or if I'll do that. Anger doesn't bring good returns.

Then upon wakening this morning, I remembered something I'd seen yesterday in an IG post.

"Slow success builds character, fast success builds ego."

I saw my ego growing when I thought I'd won the 500k. But thankfully the big guys in business are successful since they've been doing this for years, not months. There are defeat stories we might never hear about from them until years later. And this calmed me, as I don't have answers yet. I did find some sanity in this, for it made less dependent on specific results.

Going out to shop and do laundry. I feel some fear--and it's always been there. Ticks me off that I feel fear almost constantly, but it is challenging me to grow.

[findingme]

I want to report something that stirred in me today, and it's never been so clear before.

Going back first, I've had clear times on UD mostly, but E2 too, where I'd go out in public, and since I was liking what I was feeling so much, my normal MO of meeting looks, smiling, or acknowledging someone was put off to the side. What was going on inside me felt way more important, and my self esteem had been taken out of other's control and back into my own. I had a related experience today.

I'd done my laundry, so heading home I stopped at Wally world to get something. When I was leaving, I remembered some women outside while I was coming in, and I thought they were fundraising for something. I'd planned on speaking to them to be nice. That didn't happen though.

They may have been pitching something, but upon walking outside, they both turned to me, didn't say anything, but one of them lit up wide-eyed. I was obviously not wanting to put on a mask, but her lighting up made me smile. I mumbled something, and I kept walking. What entered my mind while I was walking was "I tire myself out trying to make everybody happy". That's when I remembered and held on to past memories of not giving myself away when on that subliminal execution high.

I'd just never heard my thoughts so clearly before. I remembered just feelings before. And seconds ago, I had feelings come up quickly while writing, which were fears saying "is this alright to feel?"

The FRM is doing something.

[findingme]

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[findingme]

I'm comparing myself against other's success, and it doesn't feel good. I'm trying to be detached from my circumstances, but it ain't working. I just went into my emails, which is a habit in the mornings, and focused on one business email. The only reason I'd do this one business is for the money, seriously. But I'm not really an advocate of vaping, and it's a wholesale business. Money is the only attraction.

The root of my discouragement is my female miner set me up from the start a year ago with a bogus support contact, him posing as a Blockchain customer support rep. And I've sent money to him throughout the year. I'd been feeling very wary since she tried to bully me out of my profits 2 weeks back, and it's been growing in me. Not a helpless panic, but rather a insistence on knowing what's really going on. I sent a support ticket to Blockchain, and I found out the email I was given is a scam email. And I've not contacted the female miner yet since I'm too lit about it. I'd attack too quickly.

I've been trading with another male miner who I've shared this whole story with. Yesterday I left a message with him that I wanted to write her, but I sought his opinion about how to contact her. He messaged me last night, but I was already in bed. I found one of UMS's goals is to detect and accept good advice for UMS and to also detect and reject bad advice, and I'm seeing and feeling a difference.

My mind has been eyeing other opportunities though, knowing whether I gain or lose in this deal, I'll still want to move forward. I'm realizing I'd lazily put all my eggs in one basket. Why? Just realized I was afraid of success. Most businesses today give some template to follow so one can succeed. With mining, I'm on the sidelines doing nothing. Even thinking about months back, jumping into an interactive business scared me away, with feelings of unworthiness deciding for me. Something's changing.

[findingme]

A major part of me has been afraid today. I'd like to say it's due to my miner's games, but....I'm not sure that's it at this moment. I'm realizing major changes have happened in my thinking. I have these scary feelings, yet I also observed something neat.

Scary stuff, since it's new: My eyes are forward in this stressor. I'm not seeing or feeling myself back down, and I'm making possible discussions in my head with her. Doing so from fear or anger is not what I'd like to do. With boundaries, yes. With anger or rage, no. Good business deals don't advance when anger is pointed at a person.

Even now, I'm feeling some part of me trying to punish her with anger. And simultaneously, that part is being heavily restrained, like a little boy wishing to tongue-lash this adult woman. However, I have not been active in this restraining process. Is it E3?

My mind has been very active seeking possible solutions. I believe it's scaring me since it's very confrontational and assertive in this situation. I'm normally not like this.

And the neat thing I noticed today: I saw me not being scarcity minded . I spent most of my last paycheck on bitcoin to trade it and multiply it. Yesterday, I'd planned out my money by getting enough food, buying gas for the week, and getting change to do laundry. Everything was covered, and I had $2 and change for the week. I thought I might buy 2 coffees during the week since one's only a buck.

Well, today I worked a route, I ate my snacks in my bag at break, and I realized I'd not put extra food in there. I realized we'd be having lunch right next to a dollar store I use, and I bought 2 snacks when I got there ($1 each) that will last 2 or 3 days. Smart move. When leaving the store, I realized I had no money now. This used to get me fearful, but in truth, I'd get slightly terrified. Fearing I'd not have enough. Fears would spring up as "possibilities". I'd want to isolate, I'd feel poor, and worse, it made me swim in childhood memories of feeling helpless.

But those thoughts never came. I had an emotional flashback when I first realized I was broke, I even tried to allow those feelings, but they wouldn't come. I wasn't owned by fear of being broke. I didn't slip down that slope of self-degradation and abusing myself emotionally. I didn't!

That's a victory!

[Shannon]

I would say that is a BIG victory!

[EvolvingPhoenix]

Congratulations man!

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=3NuFVQk_CCs

In all seriousness though, I am real happy for you

[Paul1131]

Awesome!

[findingme]

Thanks guys. I write here since it feels good not being alone, so I appreciate your input.

[findingme]

I had a truth in my life become obvious to me today. UMS must be working on it.

Today I realized, though I knew already (but deny it constantly), that I've been 100% dependent on other's approval of my decisions I make. The denial starts when around others I'm trying to impress, as I try to appear independent like some appear. I always thought these guys had so much more courage. I saw the shop manager in the bathroom today, we talked 30 seconds, and something in me was mixed between wanting his approval, but at the same time I had those painful grief feelings again. I feel small when I do that.

I believe this popped up during an unusual circumstance today. I was forklift trained when I began this position a year ago, but I was so nervous when people watched and critiqued me that people lost trust that I could handle it. My lack of confidence mirrored theirs in me. And today some items needed to be moved with a forklift, and I was the only person available.

Noone stood there and guided me. Normally someone does. Each person on the spot was occupied and focused on a different task. I actually was nervous before starting, but I jumped in and did exactly what needed to be done. And though I felt confident and less fearful during and after this, my gut was still feeling that old grief. I didn't recognize it yet. And 10 minutes after this, I realized I was trembling in fear.

Then, in the afternoon, I drove solo doing some deliveries, and I turned on the radio. I cried at almost any song. Something in me needed to come out. I'm still in that same spot now, and I didn't know what to do with it since I am on day 3 of break.

But I chose to come home and run loops, which I'm doing now. Me avoiding healing is what makes it hard. Me not using UMS to handle heavy emotion is hard. I'm doing what I can--and also seeking acceptance from others by writing....... I think I'm not accepting myself much. And sadness came to me in that last line. It's been true. (I think I've been seeking "success" to avoid the grief)

I could write and write. What I need is to feel.

[findingme]

I'm feeling the same things as yesterday. Took a shower and realized I've been dependent on other's acceptance since I avoid myself constantly. I just re-read that last line, and tears came up.

Why don't I want to accept myself? What triggers me to do this? Feels like some loss I've never grieved or let go of.

I looked at my romantic life (none presently)--and I realized I expected/wanted my wife to accept me like I didn't do it for myself. I've known that is still active, and it shoots confidence down quickly. I don't want to mar another relationship.

But.....why? Fear rises all around the answers, but so did tears, again. Gotta get to work. This won't leave me (hopefully). My fear is trying to confuse me now.

[findingme]

I had a change in my thinking today regarding me and my habits.

I reflected on how I've been in down moods in the past, and came here to write.....to get attention. I realized I've even sought out that mood when writing then, painting my reality as (sometimes) worse than it was.

I realized this wasn't feeding me. I have no "want" to hang onto familiar pain, and being dishonest about it only hurt me. I don't have to hurt myself. I don't "need" to do that. That's nice

Listening to loops, chatting with my (male) miner throughout the day today, as we're making a big move soon, which is why I've not been sharing about money lately. I've been feeling a bit of old stuff this week, and my thinking on money has not been so divorced from this. As I wrote, I realized that was a change in my thinking too. Money used to be seen MAINLY as a tool to escape the emotional traumas I've hid so much from. I'm facing possibilities to grow my money exponentially now, though I'm not so attached to the outcome.

It appears my reality is constantly changing, for the better, on UMS.

[EvolvingPhoenix]

I had a change in my thinking today regarding me and my habits.

I reflected on how I've been in down moods in the past, and came here to write.....to get attention.  I realized I've even sought out that mood when writing then, painting my reality as (sometimes) worse than it was.

I realized this wasn't feeding me.  I have no "want" to hang onto familiar pain, and being dishonest about it only hurt me.  I don't have to hurt myself.  I don't "need" to do that.  That's nice  

Listening to loops, chatting with my (male) miner throughout the day today, as we're making a big move soon, which is why I've not been sharing about money lately.  I've been feeling a bit of old stuff this week, and my thinking on money has not been so divorced from this.  As I wrote, I realized that was a change in my thinking too.  Money used to be seen MAINLY as a tool to escape the emotional traumas I've hid so much from.  I'm facing possibilities to grow my money exponentially now, though I'm not so attached to the outcome.  

It appears my reality is constantly changing, for the better, on UMS.

That is AWESOME! Keep up the good work, Findingme!