I'll write this, then leave.
E2 has identified something in me, and it's steering me more to not come and be my normal self, which is fear based. When I've been out with friends, I've thought of posting, mostly since all my relationships have been based on me fearing losing people in my life. Old "comfortable" habits have looked for their normal routine. Also, (this is big) me posting means I'm at home hiding, which is an old fear-based habit.
I seriously had to think of what I would honestly write before coming here. My habits depended on you (anyone) liking me, approving of me, and me hoping you (anyone again) would direct and lead me, me playing a small child's role. It is a childhood belief and practice that I had resisted giving up. I'm unsure how much I've changed so far, but I didn't initiate this. The part where I'm not seeking permission to heal and regenerate myself, along with self validation, is fighting to be true.
Seriously, I'm not here to seek and beg for attention. I'm trying to validate myself.
I'm going to jump off now.
EDIT: I'd thought of my implied anger, this "f*** you!" attitude, since it seemed pointed at "you" again. I've actually been angry at myself posting, for there's a lot of unknown in this. Anger is a reaction which comes from 2 places: fear or pain. E2's job is to uncover them. I felt both while writing, fear mostly.
E2 has identified something in me, and it's steering me more to not come and be my normal self, which is fear based. When I've been out with friends, I've thought of posting, mostly since all my relationships have been based on me fearing losing people in my life. Old "comfortable" habits have looked for their normal routine. Also, (this is big) me posting means I'm at home hiding, which is an old fear-based habit.
I seriously had to think of what I would honestly write before coming here. My habits depended on you (anyone) liking me, approving of me, and me hoping you (anyone again) would direct and lead me, me playing a small child's role. It is a childhood belief and practice that I had resisted giving up. I'm unsure how much I've changed so far, but I didn't initiate this. The part where I'm not seeking permission to heal and regenerate myself, along with self validation, is fighting to be true.
Seriously, I'm not here to seek and beg for attention. I'm trying to validate myself.
I'm going to jump off now.
EDIT: I'd thought of my implied anger, this "f*** you!" attitude, since it seemed pointed at "you" again. I've actually been angry at myself posting, for there's a lot of unknown in this. Anger is a reaction which comes from 2 places: fear or pain. E2's job is to uncover them. I felt both while writing, fear mostly.
I want to be FREE!
