09-12-2018, 03:13 PM
Why am I feeling so bad?
Why did I not tell my mom to stop when she began criticizing me?
Why do I keep going back, expecting her to love me like I needed love?
Why do I often keep my mouth shut when she is criticizing me or someone else?
Why do I miss such a sad time in my life?
Why do I keep going back?
Why am I scared of being vulnerable to my mom?
Why am I ashamed to be linked with her in public?
Why do I turn to an empty well for support?
Why do I think something is wrong with me?
Why do I own HER stuff, thinking it's mine?
Why is so much pain coming up?
Why do I believe "this is all I'll get"?
Why do I not allow myself to feel my pain, and hold it in?
Why am I owned by others?
Why do I feel helpless and even like it sometimes?
Why do I feel shame of this and hide, hoping my isolation is good for me?
Why am I afraid of letting go of this? (cuz I'll grieve)
I'm crying, on and off. I took off work today to take my mom to her doctor's appt. No major issues, but I turned E2 on on my phone before leaving the clinic, and kept it in my pocket. I felt old pain since my mom was doing what she's always done. She was critical to me. Low-key stuff really, but back to back to back little things I noticed. I felt pain and anger, and I just let go of the outcome since pain and anger, in my experience, are often not felt together. I wasn't sure how I'd end this. I've been thinking of AM6 and asserting myself, and anger was definitely brewing in me. I realized I was pulling away from her emotionally. I only spoke up my last 10 minutes there. She made a dig at me, looking for me to laugh with her, and I told her (gently, really) that her comment was painful. She actually caught herself. It turned very intellectual after that by her, but I began it by saying I'm realizing she just doesn't know since I've not spoken up to her. And I'd been sitting on it for an hour so far. So, I spoke up, though I'm still feeling hurt.
And I came here today, NOT wanting to say A+B=C, since it doesn't in emotions. But Shannon had said in a Universal Detox thread (today or yesterday) to chase down the issues by asking why. So, I did. I found a trail. I felt a lot more when asking why, since I know and feel most of my answers when I'm asking. It's embarrassing, and I'm feeling an old shame I felt growing up, for my mom was the neighborhood alcoholic, screaming loudly at us, and neighbor kids all knew about it. Noone spoke about it, and she ......damn.....let out this loud message I saw then, and I saw it again today, which invited shame. That message is "DON'T LOVE MEEEEE!!!!!!" Even us kids weren't allowed to be close to her emotionally. Noone is allowed to love her. I've always felt it similar to a teenager getting her heart broke. She just has never budged from this place of pain. (ewwww! She's even shared some sexual fantasies of hers while I was on DMSI.......yuuuuck!)
Why am I afraid I'm doing the same thing as her?
Why did I instantly own her shit?
Why do I keep women away now?
Why do I fear trusting men? Why? Not all are dangerous and malicious
Why do I keep thinking "if I feel like a child, maybe some adult will rescue me"?
Why am I staying in the SAME shit, day after day, year after year?
Why do I hope someone will save me?
Why do I miss my brother so bad?
Why haven't I let go? Why am I afraid to grieve this?
Why is misery more comfortable? Since.......it keeps everyone away. I've believed that.
Again, why am I terrified of men and women loving me? I might get hurt
Why might I get hurt? I fear sabotaging a good thing, because doing that keeps them away. Not trying prevented pain.
Why do I want to sabotage relationships? I've wanted to test people, to know they'll love me before I trust them, if I even engage people personally. (that's dangerous thinking, I see now)
Why do I live a pain-filled lifestyle? well, since love, in my experience, equaled pain.
Why am I re-creating it? It's so dumb, and so normal
Why am I hurting myself? Since I saw it modeled to me daily growing up.
Why do I feel like that was a lie, a cover for the truth? Damn, I always thought the authority (my mom) was my leader. I greatly feared her abandoning me if I weren't super-glued to her and her standard.
Why am I afraid to grieve? Why am I holding on to this? I'm afraid I'll lose my whole world. I've feared abandoning myself.
Why did I not tell my mom to stop when she began criticizing me?
Why do I keep going back, expecting her to love me like I needed love?
Why do I often keep my mouth shut when she is criticizing me or someone else?
Why do I miss such a sad time in my life?
Why do I keep going back?
Why am I scared of being vulnerable to my mom?
Why am I ashamed to be linked with her in public?
Why do I turn to an empty well for support?
Why do I think something is wrong with me?
Why do I own HER stuff, thinking it's mine?
Why is so much pain coming up?
Why do I believe "this is all I'll get"?
Why do I not allow myself to feel my pain, and hold it in?
Why am I owned by others?
Why do I feel helpless and even like it sometimes?
Why do I feel shame of this and hide, hoping my isolation is good for me?
Why am I afraid of letting go of this? (cuz I'll grieve)
I'm crying, on and off. I took off work today to take my mom to her doctor's appt. No major issues, but I turned E2 on on my phone before leaving the clinic, and kept it in my pocket. I felt old pain since my mom was doing what she's always done. She was critical to me. Low-key stuff really, but back to back to back little things I noticed. I felt pain and anger, and I just let go of the outcome since pain and anger, in my experience, are often not felt together. I wasn't sure how I'd end this. I've been thinking of AM6 and asserting myself, and anger was definitely brewing in me. I realized I was pulling away from her emotionally. I only spoke up my last 10 minutes there. She made a dig at me, looking for me to laugh with her, and I told her (gently, really) that her comment was painful. She actually caught herself. It turned very intellectual after that by her, but I began it by saying I'm realizing she just doesn't know since I've not spoken up to her. And I'd been sitting on it for an hour so far. So, I spoke up, though I'm still feeling hurt.
And I came here today, NOT wanting to say A+B=C, since it doesn't in emotions. But Shannon had said in a Universal Detox thread (today or yesterday) to chase down the issues by asking why. So, I did. I found a trail. I felt a lot more when asking why, since I know and feel most of my answers when I'm asking. It's embarrassing, and I'm feeling an old shame I felt growing up, for my mom was the neighborhood alcoholic, screaming loudly at us, and neighbor kids all knew about it. Noone spoke about it, and she ......damn.....let out this loud message I saw then, and I saw it again today, which invited shame. That message is "DON'T LOVE MEEEEE!!!!!!" Even us kids weren't allowed to be close to her emotionally. Noone is allowed to love her. I've always felt it similar to a teenager getting her heart broke. She just has never budged from this place of pain. (ewwww! She's even shared some sexual fantasies of hers while I was on DMSI.......yuuuuck!)
Why am I afraid I'm doing the same thing as her?
Why did I instantly own her shit?
Why do I keep women away now?
Why do I fear trusting men? Why? Not all are dangerous and malicious
Why do I keep thinking "if I feel like a child, maybe some adult will rescue me"?
Why am I staying in the SAME shit, day after day, year after year?
Why do I hope someone will save me?
Why do I miss my brother so bad?
Why haven't I let go? Why am I afraid to grieve this?
Why is misery more comfortable? Since.......it keeps everyone away. I've believed that.
Again, why am I terrified of men and women loving me? I might get hurt
Why might I get hurt? I fear sabotaging a good thing, because doing that keeps them away. Not trying prevented pain.
Why do I want to sabotage relationships? I've wanted to test people, to know they'll love me before I trust them, if I even engage people personally. (that's dangerous thinking, I see now)
Why do I live a pain-filled lifestyle? well, since love, in my experience, equaled pain.
Why am I re-creating it? It's so dumb, and so normal
Why am I hurting myself? Since I saw it modeled to me daily growing up.
Why do I feel like that was a lie, a cover for the truth? Damn, I always thought the authority (my mom) was my leader. I greatly feared her abandoning me if I weren't super-glued to her and her standard.
Why am I afraid to grieve? Why am I holding on to this? I'm afraid I'll lose my whole world. I've feared abandoning myself.
I want to be FREE!
