09-08-2018, 07:22 PM
I've been facing a lot of doubts about myself. Going through it, I've felt scared, sad, and when pushed, angry. A norm in my personality is being shaken up, and I've felt really successful some days, but I've felt my confidence slip when in a new setting. Today/tonight I've felt my confidence--or my cockiness--pull back.
I just realized something. I used to immaturely lean on people continually, letting them lead me. I've been back and forth doing that this week. I think I'm pulling away from this, and part of me is still looking for it. It'd keep me in this non-responsible and immature reality. And I've been not supportive of myself a number of times today when I would distract myself from this truth.
I'm writing now, trying to put it in words clearly.
I was in Walmart just now, having stopped there after leaving my friend's house. I was already feeling vulnerable, and I was trying to be noticed by some women in the store, both with and without boyfriends with them. Though I was aware of this, I was (and am) in conflict. Why? I felt like I was putting on a front, and a growing part of me is trying to get MY attention. I need peace with myself about something ... I'm just not sure what this part is trying to say.
I almost wrote it's confusing. No---that's not it either.
I've lived behind a wall/mask for so long I'm not sure who I'll be when I've healed a bit. I've hid myself since I'm more responsible and aware of the many painful people and circumstances in my life, and I know I'd actually face these challenges, peacefully if possible. I'm seeing worst-case scenarios in my mind, which has effectively kept me stuck.
I am still in a process of change.
I just realized something. I used to immaturely lean on people continually, letting them lead me. I've been back and forth doing that this week. I think I'm pulling away from this, and part of me is still looking for it. It'd keep me in this non-responsible and immature reality. And I've been not supportive of myself a number of times today when I would distract myself from this truth.
I'm writing now, trying to put it in words clearly.
I was in Walmart just now, having stopped there after leaving my friend's house. I was already feeling vulnerable, and I was trying to be noticed by some women in the store, both with and without boyfriends with them. Though I was aware of this, I was (and am) in conflict. Why? I felt like I was putting on a front, and a growing part of me is trying to get MY attention. I need peace with myself about something ... I'm just not sure what this part is trying to say.
I almost wrote it's confusing. No---that's not it either.
I've lived behind a wall/mask for so long I'm not sure who I'll be when I've healed a bit. I've hid myself since I'm more responsible and aware of the many painful people and circumstances in my life, and I know I'd actually face these challenges, peacefully if possible. I'm seeing worst-case scenarios in my mind, which has effectively kept me stuck.
I am still in a process of change.
I want to be FREE!
