09-02-2018, 04:16 PM
I had my first case of emotional spit-up since I've been on E2. I reacted to my lady trader asking me questions, and my answers I've been sharing over and over again for days. I began cussing over text via Whatsapp, and I've never done that with anybody.
I have no defense for my actions. I do have reasons. I'm still angry at this, and I've never been angry at this. Maybe some good lies in this.
Well, it's Sunday, the day I usually visit my mom. Since last night I was discussing my mom with my friends, I've been dwelling on "why" I'm angry. I realized clearly she takes and takes, calls to take, texts to take. She only calls if she needs something. Her belief is that since we're around, she can take time, anything, everything......and as long as she "needs" it, we should-----correction, I should--give it. 2 things have become apparent today.
First was her call, which came around 2pm. When I listened to her message (since I did not answer when she called) I was first pained, then angry, then pissed. I heard the "emotional emergency" I've shared I have created myself. Headsmack. She wants her laundry done, and her call was riddled with guilt, shame, and a handing off of her fear to have her OCD wants for order filled. I've done some "rescues"; it's never enough. Some "needs" are incredibly stupid, like asking me to dust her room when we got home from the hospital; it wasn't dusty AT ALL, though she feared another breathing emergency if it wasn't dusted. I did it, and she looked for misses, which she found and criticized. Grrrrrr....
The other thing was this: I've not had any consistent boundaries with her--and I've rarely spoke up for myself. I'm the strange one since I'm the only one who'll say "no" without a crisis on hand. I shared this last night with friends. I'll say "I have to get going" and she'll ignore and dismiss it with this need, this conversation, mostly (I think) since she doesn't want to be alone. Like she is saying "I don't care what you need, I want ................" and on she goes. Like I'm "rude" for having desires to not babysit a basically healthy, mobile adult. I'm pissed she is so blind to herself.
And I spit my anger at my trader today, another woman in the mix. I was reacting to feeling powerless over my mom.
I'm still battling some guilt within. I apologized to my trader 30 minutes ago, not dismissing what I'd done. My guilt is from me feeling I'm saying "F*** YOU!" to my mom since she doesn't hear "no". When my mom called again (while I was mad), I didn't try to hide it. She picked up I was pissed, even wanting to "fix it", but realized I shouldn't come over today. I agreed to come over tomorrow.
Going is not the issue. Me conveying my feelings about this is something I've avoided time and time again. I'm going to start writing this out. I can convey clearly on paper much better.
Going forward.
I have no defense for my actions. I do have reasons. I'm still angry at this, and I've never been angry at this. Maybe some good lies in this.
Well, it's Sunday, the day I usually visit my mom. Since last night I was discussing my mom with my friends, I've been dwelling on "why" I'm angry. I realized clearly she takes and takes, calls to take, texts to take. She only calls if she needs something. Her belief is that since we're around, she can take time, anything, everything......and as long as she "needs" it, we should-----correction, I should--give it. 2 things have become apparent today.
First was her call, which came around 2pm. When I listened to her message (since I did not answer when she called) I was first pained, then angry, then pissed. I heard the "emotional emergency" I've shared I have created myself. Headsmack. She wants her laundry done, and her call was riddled with guilt, shame, and a handing off of her fear to have her OCD wants for order filled. I've done some "rescues"; it's never enough. Some "needs" are incredibly stupid, like asking me to dust her room when we got home from the hospital; it wasn't dusty AT ALL, though she feared another breathing emergency if it wasn't dusted. I did it, and she looked for misses, which she found and criticized. Grrrrrr....
The other thing was this: I've not had any consistent boundaries with her--and I've rarely spoke up for myself. I'm the strange one since I'm the only one who'll say "no" without a crisis on hand. I shared this last night with friends. I'll say "I have to get going" and she'll ignore and dismiss it with this need, this conversation, mostly (I think) since she doesn't want to be alone. Like she is saying "I don't care what you need, I want ................" and on she goes. Like I'm "rude" for having desires to not babysit a basically healthy, mobile adult. I'm pissed she is so blind to herself.
And I spit my anger at my trader today, another woman in the mix. I was reacting to feeling powerless over my mom.
I'm still battling some guilt within. I apologized to my trader 30 minutes ago, not dismissing what I'd done. My guilt is from me feeling I'm saying "F*** YOU!" to my mom since she doesn't hear "no". When my mom called again (while I was mad), I didn't try to hide it. She picked up I was pissed, even wanting to "fix it", but realized I shouldn't come over today. I agreed to come over tomorrow.
Going is not the issue. Me conveying my feelings about this is something I've avoided time and time again. I'm going to start writing this out. I can convey clearly on paper much better.
Going forward.
I want to be FREE!
