No problems with people today at work. I am having a self-created problem now, which I'll share.
Well, I got paid a good paycheck. I got quite a raise in the new position, and my mind has been thinking since I got home "what business direction can I/should I jump into next?"
I took my shower, and had a Rule 4 chat since......I'm very, very used to sabotaging my joy and success endeavors. I've looked into 3 or so different ventures BUT I realized while in the shower that I want to do this mainly to earn love and respect. Like "if I make money over here, I'll be lovable." This has been a part of my foundation and why I've jumped in and out of businesses.
I also realized something which is E2 related. I've been pushing people away, and the businesses I've looked into are primarily self run. No team. No alliances. Just me. I've even been pushing my trader away, and she called me on it this week. I've done that.
I don't have to wonder long, as a big fear rises fast when thinking of working with a team. I can put on a face for a short while, but fear has held me back. I even joined a successful company 4 months back, and cancelled last week. I knew it when I started that I'd have to coach people under me, and a damn fear holds its ground. Due to this, I never promoted it, though I'd set up ads to run. I'm unsure how to conquer this now.
I feel insecure......and I'm attempting to return to 13--an E2 connection. My brother left, and in a new business (in present times), I'm fearing failure and imagining feeling unwanted again, and hoping my brother will come rescue me--like I'd hoped back then. The tradeoff for me is I've been hard on myself. The old "why the f*** can't you do this?"
That's what's on my mind presently.
I've been looking for success so I'd not feel this pain. I've been eyeing some good avenues, but I stall due to pain rising. I'm trying to use success to shield me from the pain. Seeking my brother (in my mind only) still.
Well, I got paid a good paycheck. I got quite a raise in the new position, and my mind has been thinking since I got home "what business direction can I/should I jump into next?"
I took my shower, and had a Rule 4 chat since......I'm very, very used to sabotaging my joy and success endeavors. I've looked into 3 or so different ventures BUT I realized while in the shower that I want to do this mainly to earn love and respect. Like "if I make money over here, I'll be lovable." This has been a part of my foundation and why I've jumped in and out of businesses.
I also realized something which is E2 related. I've been pushing people away, and the businesses I've looked into are primarily self run. No team. No alliances. Just me. I've even been pushing my trader away, and she called me on it this week. I've done that.
I don't have to wonder long, as a big fear rises fast when thinking of working with a team. I can put on a face for a short while, but fear has held me back. I even joined a successful company 4 months back, and cancelled last week. I knew it when I started that I'd have to coach people under me, and a damn fear holds its ground. Due to this, I never promoted it, though I'd set up ads to run. I'm unsure how to conquer this now.
I feel insecure......and I'm attempting to return to 13--an E2 connection. My brother left, and in a new business (in present times), I'm fearing failure and imagining feeling unwanted again, and hoping my brother will come rescue me--like I'd hoped back then. The tradeoff for me is I've been hard on myself. The old "why the f*** can't you do this?"
That's what's on my mind presently.
I've been looking for success so I'd not feel this pain. I've been eyeing some good avenues, but I stall due to pain rising. I'm trying to use success to shield me from the pain. Seeking my brother (in my mind only) still.
I want to be FREE!
