08-21-2018, 12:48 AM
Something in me has changed, and I think it's good. I've shared many times, on this and other journals of mine, how I hate lying to others full-time. This morning, I imagined being defensive when talking to coworkers when I arrive at work, so I looked at what's bothering me.
I have thought that being fake was the only thing acceptable. I'd rather ignore people and not look them in the eye vs. put on a front. I've done the latter hundreds of times, and I've had few times I'd want to do it again. I feel like I'm on stage, constantly looking for my parts to come up.
But this morning, some choice in me is trying to be acknowledged. I don't have to be fake. My defensiveness is more pointed at myself. "Why can't I drop the act?"
I also thought I'd feel stronger when I chose to not put fronts on. My "strength" has always been fear, nothing more. Fear puts on a lot of masks.
I'll see what happens today.
I have thought that being fake was the only thing acceptable. I'd rather ignore people and not look them in the eye vs. put on a front. I've done the latter hundreds of times, and I've had few times I'd want to do it again. I feel like I'm on stage, constantly looking for my parts to come up.
But this morning, some choice in me is trying to be acknowledged. I don't have to be fake. My defensiveness is more pointed at myself. "Why can't I drop the act?"
I also thought I'd feel stronger when I chose to not put fronts on. My "strength" has always been fear, nothing more. Fear puts on a lot of masks.
I'll see what happens today.
I want to be FREE!
