08-20-2018, 04:16 PM
I'm going to share something which scares me kind of. But it's not emotional stuff, memories, and such. It has to do with my present occupation.
I'm taking from an E2 journal I read sometime in the last 2-3 weeks, and the sub user shared he didn't like the occupation he was in. He was reevaluating his present direction, and Shannon chimed in saying E2 has that ability to put them on a path following their heart. I'm wishing to find that journal again, for I very grossly put it in my own words. That journal encouraged me, though I'd forgotten about it. I'll lay out where my head was today to bring me where I am now.
While at work travelling to different stops, I'd get on my phone and check emails. I'm subscribed to a number of journals here.
I also get emails from another sub vendor who makes his own subs. The message today was about finding your purpose. Intrigued, I read. I've never used any of his subs, but the idea(s) were in my head.
For some reason, I am examining my actions and desires for doing an online business, which I'm currently not doing. I was looking and considering things I've not really considered before. One leads seller I've been subscribed to for almost 3 years, and I actually unsubscribed many months back. Still getting his emails in my trash folder, where I found it and looked inside. I was considering his offer in tandem with other services or products I could sell.
But what struck me came at the end of the day. Since I've actually been hired on (since last Friday), I'm wearing their uniform now. I had one worker say I was a "company man" now. I liked the attention, but the title...........I'm not sure that's me. It feels like I've sold my soul, almost. Another driver asked me about me getting my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I was honest, though I realized I was close to the boss' office, where he could have heard me. I told the driver "I've not been looking into that lately. I've been looking into lots of things". I felt nervous, so I was purposely vague.
I've not stated I don't want to be a driver for this big company, but it's not my dream or want at all. The money's good.......but is that the ONLY reason I'd stay for years? The expected response from normal employees would be sickening to me:
Do it for the money!
Get the benefits!
Work for 20 years and retire nicely!
........they're small, small, very small ideas of what motivates me. Those things do NOT motivate me. The primary reason I've been a "good employee" was to earn my boss's approval. I won't hide that. Making my boss think I could be his man to choose for new positions was my focus. Now I've been chosen, and I'm feeling.....unimportant. I'm thinking "I'm just on the hamster wheel now. Same thing, day in, day out..."
The reason I've started and stopped in successful home and online businesses 10 times or so is simple. I've not believed in myself. I'm doing my present job since someone else believed in me, and it encouraged me to work for more of it. And I did that. Just...... something is changing in me. My motivation is not money. It's freedom. Freedom to create, explore, grow, explore more, make peace with myself, all of that. It feels like I've stated before, like I'm selling my soul working with this "stable" company.
I've eyed USLM to motivate me more and clear out my hindrances to move forward. UMOP is good, but my procrastination is fear motivated. Fear of this, that, whatever. Being successful, in my mind, is similar to my messy thoughts about sex: like I'd have to "use" people to execute on it. And that's never felt right to me.
Lastly, I'll connect some dots here. In the Myers Briggs tests, I am an INFP. I questioned it in the years I learned about it, I gave room for misjudgements, but retesting many times and reading on feelings and characteristics, I know I am an INFP. A dreamer. An idealist. I've gone into my main library and pulled out MBTI books to remind me and refocus my desires so I wasn't wasting my time considering options (mostly when job searching). From life experiences, I am a musician, a teacher, an encourager, a builder of other's dreams, and now I'm in a new spot; I'm looking at MY dreams, MY motivations, and everything that is ME.
Thank *** I'm on a sub focusing on MY stuff, MY feelings, and apparently, MY dreams.
Just sharing here: I feel like I have to run AWAY from naysayers of my dreams, but moving towards my dreams excites me. And I just felt that.
I'm taking from an E2 journal I read sometime in the last 2-3 weeks, and the sub user shared he didn't like the occupation he was in. He was reevaluating his present direction, and Shannon chimed in saying E2 has that ability to put them on a path following their heart. I'm wishing to find that journal again, for I very grossly put it in my own words. That journal encouraged me, though I'd forgotten about it. I'll lay out where my head was today to bring me where I am now.
While at work travelling to different stops, I'd get on my phone and check emails. I'm subscribed to a number of journals here.
I also get emails from another sub vendor who makes his own subs. The message today was about finding your purpose. Intrigued, I read. I've never used any of his subs, but the idea(s) were in my head.
For some reason, I am examining my actions and desires for doing an online business, which I'm currently not doing. I was looking and considering things I've not really considered before. One leads seller I've been subscribed to for almost 3 years, and I actually unsubscribed many months back. Still getting his emails in my trash folder, where I found it and looked inside. I was considering his offer in tandem with other services or products I could sell.
But what struck me came at the end of the day. Since I've actually been hired on (since last Friday), I'm wearing their uniform now. I had one worker say I was a "company man" now. I liked the attention, but the title...........I'm not sure that's me. It feels like I've sold my soul, almost. Another driver asked me about me getting my commercial drivers license (CDL), and I was honest, though I realized I was close to the boss' office, where he could have heard me. I told the driver "I've not been looking into that lately. I've been looking into lots of things". I felt nervous, so I was purposely vague.
I've not stated I don't want to be a driver for this big company, but it's not my dream or want at all. The money's good.......but is that the ONLY reason I'd stay for years? The expected response from normal employees would be sickening to me:
Do it for the money!
Get the benefits!
Work for 20 years and retire nicely!
........they're small, small, very small ideas of what motivates me. Those things do NOT motivate me. The primary reason I've been a "good employee" was to earn my boss's approval. I won't hide that. Making my boss think I could be his man to choose for new positions was my focus. Now I've been chosen, and I'm feeling.....unimportant. I'm thinking "I'm just on the hamster wheel now. Same thing, day in, day out..."
The reason I've started and stopped in successful home and online businesses 10 times or so is simple. I've not believed in myself. I'm doing my present job since someone else believed in me, and it encouraged me to work for more of it. And I did that. Just...... something is changing in me. My motivation is not money. It's freedom. Freedom to create, explore, grow, explore more, make peace with myself, all of that. It feels like I've stated before, like I'm selling my soul working with this "stable" company.
I've eyed USLM to motivate me more and clear out my hindrances to move forward. UMOP is good, but my procrastination is fear motivated. Fear of this, that, whatever. Being successful, in my mind, is similar to my messy thoughts about sex: like I'd have to "use" people to execute on it. And that's never felt right to me.
Lastly, I'll connect some dots here. In the Myers Briggs tests, I am an INFP. I questioned it in the years I learned about it, I gave room for misjudgements, but retesting many times and reading on feelings and characteristics, I know I am an INFP. A dreamer. An idealist. I've gone into my main library and pulled out MBTI books to remind me and refocus my desires so I wasn't wasting my time considering options (mostly when job searching). From life experiences, I am a musician, a teacher, an encourager, a builder of other's dreams, and now I'm in a new spot; I'm looking at MY dreams, MY motivations, and everything that is ME.
Thank *** I'm on a sub focusing on MY stuff, MY feelings, and apparently, MY dreams.
Just sharing here: I feel like I have to run AWAY from naysayers of my dreams, but moving towards my dreams excites me. And I just felt that.
I want to be FREE!
