09-08-2020, 12:51 PM
St1, Session 5, day 2
I actually felt like sh** emotionally today, for I kept looking inward for strength, but I kept seeing weakness and failures. I noticed I was beating myself up, and this stuck out since I normally put on rose-colored glasses when feeling uncertain or fearful.
I share this since this is the first time I've experienced it on St1, but I was likely just heavily avoiding it when I began this.
I'm encouraged when I take a look at the big picture. I became aware how I've been lying to myself to hide this from others, and what I noticed before I began writing was an actual emotional calm. I do not feel overwhelmed. I feel a little afraid of it, but I'm seeing it like it's "over there", like I'm watching a movie of my life. It's a calm kind of strange for me.
I know I've habitually beat myself up when I've believed I failed---and I actually just realized I'm having to LOOK for reasons that this is true. Up to this point in my life, I've thought that basically, I was a failure. That's actually why I felt like sh** today.
Again, the detox module is kicking stuff up, but I'd rather it be pulled up than more hiding and lying to myself. I've used old ill-working tools for decades, and my biggest fear was being discarded for not helping others resolve the crisis that were created. I had fears like "I can't handle this--it's too big for me". Writing that made me connect to old childhood thinking, even manipulative victim thinking. I used this when young to avoid physical danger and distract others from the created "crisis". Can't believe I'm sharing this.
It's uncomfortable, but I feel and think it's just temporary.
I actually felt like sh** emotionally today, for I kept looking inward for strength, but I kept seeing weakness and failures. I noticed I was beating myself up, and this stuck out since I normally put on rose-colored glasses when feeling uncertain or fearful.
I share this since this is the first time I've experienced it on St1, but I was likely just heavily avoiding it when I began this.
I'm encouraged when I take a look at the big picture. I became aware how I've been lying to myself to hide this from others, and what I noticed before I began writing was an actual emotional calm. I do not feel overwhelmed. I feel a little afraid of it, but I'm seeing it like it's "over there", like I'm watching a movie of my life. It's a calm kind of strange for me.
I know I've habitually beat myself up when I've believed I failed---and I actually just realized I'm having to LOOK for reasons that this is true. Up to this point in my life, I've thought that basically, I was a failure. That's actually why I felt like sh** today.
Again, the detox module is kicking stuff up, but I'd rather it be pulled up than more hiding and lying to myself. I've used old ill-working tools for decades, and my biggest fear was being discarded for not helping others resolve the crisis that were created. I had fears like "I can't handle this--it's too big for me". Writing that made me connect to old childhood thinking, even manipulative victim thinking. I used this when young to avoid physical danger and distract others from the created "crisis". Can't believe I'm sharing this.
It's uncomfortable, but I feel and think it's just temporary.
I want to be FREE!
