Fear's New Clothes - OF 5.75G

[Lucius]

Sounds like it's giving you some good realizations. Hope it helps. I can identify with similar but in a different way, in that if I ever disagreed with something my parents were saying I just got yelled at more so I learnt not to.

Thank you. I'm grateful I'm able to run this sub. Being yelled at was almost an everyday occurrence in my childhood. I just needed to make a tiny mistake and that was the least form of punishment I would get. I did not realise how negatively that affected me until I began my journey of self-improvement. I pray I do better with my kids when I have them.

For years after leaving secondary school, I had recurring dreams of still being in school, dressed in school uniform and usually taking an exam. Each time I woke up, I was thankful for it being a dream, but worried why I kept having them. One of the recent ones was about a month ago.

Yesterday, I had a dream of being back in my secondary school environment. This time, however, I knew I had past that level. I was not wearing the school uniform, but what I wore looked like one. In the dream, I even joked I should stop buying clothes which look like school uniforms. I still don't know why I had those dreams, but I hope this is an end to them.

While most of yesterday had me consumed with a feeling of anxiety, I woke up today with so much anger. For most of the day, I was angry at myself for allowing society to detect to me how I should live or what success should look like.

There is a car dealership not far from me. Each time I walk past, I see a car of about £70k and tell myself I will not drive those cars if I rely on a job for income. And, I would need to do something better than having a job to be able to afford one of them.  When I point this out to friends and co-workers, they say anyone can drive such cars if they have a decent job and a good credit score.

I was thinking about all this today and felt angry and frustrated. Why would someone's first idea on how to purchase a £70k car be his credit score? Do those who paid cash for them have three bollocks or something?

I kicked myself for not taking more risks in my life in regards to starting a business, or just doing anything that could lead me to a path of self-sufficiency. Instead, I listened to people who send letters to their managers demanding a £0.30 increase in their hourly wage. WTF?!!