07-10-2020, 01:09 PM
I'm one day into my third cycle of listening. I could not wait to get back to listening during the ASRB2 break. I would "big-up" myself when indoors but get all nervous when I walked outside. If I could, I would have run away from myself.
When it comes to fight or flight response, it has almost always been flight for me. Back in my country, respect for elders is learned from a young age. This is a good thing as I can see the consequence of the lack of this training in some countries.
However, this was not always implemented correctly. `For example, there was always this subtle message that the elder was always right. So, even when I stood up for myself for what was right, I was punished for challenging elders. It did not matter if I was right or wrong. To them, I was being disrespectful. So, I learned from a young age not to stand up for myself.
Not having younger siblings meant I was an elder to no one. I did not receive the kind of respect I gave to others.
This past week, I'm becoming more open to the idea that I may have some subconscious negative feelings towards my mother. I was born when she had relationship issues with my Dad. She moved out into her own house, though staying married to Dad. Up until when I left the country, she was always short-tempered with me and would raise her voice when I made the slightest error. Or, she would go off on one of my elder sibling, who would then transfer the anger towards me. I became skilled at walking on eggshells.
Back in 2014, a friend of mine pointed out I needed to forgive my Mum. That sounded so ridiculous to me at the time because I see my Mum as a hero. She went through hell to make sure her kids were ok. (If you understand West African family politics, especially when in-laws are involved, you will know what I mean). Now, I'm beginning to see what my friend was talking about. I think I'm harbouring suppressed anger towards her and some of my family members. Anger for not giving me the chance to speak up, which created a fear of speaking out.
In a recent conversation with my Mum, I jokingly mentioned she has gone too soft. She helps with raising my nieces and nephews and they basically have their way with her. She told me she had to be very hard on her kids because she was scared of what would become of us if she died. I think she unintentionally transferred some of those fears to me.
EPRHA 2.0 helped me to overcome self-pity, and the desire to receive pity from others. Before E2, these were some of the strategies I used to avoid confrontations. I think OF is going deeper than that.
When it comes to fight or flight response, it has almost always been flight for me. Back in my country, respect for elders is learned from a young age. This is a good thing as I can see the consequence of the lack of this training in some countries.
However, this was not always implemented correctly. `For example, there was always this subtle message that the elder was always right. So, even when I stood up for myself for what was right, I was punished for challenging elders. It did not matter if I was right or wrong. To them, I was being disrespectful. So, I learned from a young age not to stand up for myself.
Not having younger siblings meant I was an elder to no one. I did not receive the kind of respect I gave to others.
This past week, I'm becoming more open to the idea that I may have some subconscious negative feelings towards my mother. I was born when she had relationship issues with my Dad. She moved out into her own house, though staying married to Dad. Up until when I left the country, she was always short-tempered with me and would raise her voice when I made the slightest error. Or, she would go off on one of my elder sibling, who would then transfer the anger towards me. I became skilled at walking on eggshells.
Back in 2014, a friend of mine pointed out I needed to forgive my Mum. That sounded so ridiculous to me at the time because I see my Mum as a hero. She went through hell to make sure her kids were ok. (If you understand West African family politics, especially when in-laws are involved, you will know what I mean). Now, I'm beginning to see what my friend was talking about. I think I'm harbouring suppressed anger towards her and some of my family members. Anger for not giving me the chance to speak up, which created a fear of speaking out.
In a recent conversation with my Mum, I jokingly mentioned she has gone too soft. She helps with raising my nieces and nephews and they basically have their way with her. She told me she had to be very hard on her kids because she was scared of what would become of us if she died. I think she unintentionally transferred some of those fears to me.
EPRHA 2.0 helped me to overcome self-pity, and the desire to receive pity from others. Before E2, these were some of the strategies I used to avoid confrontations. I think OF is going deeper than that.
Confront your problems. Walk away from BS. Seek wisdom to know the difference.
